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Ep #91: Listener Q&A Volume 1

Listener Q&A Volume 1

Welcome to the first volume of my listener Q&A series! I’ve been inviting you to send me any questions you’d like me to answer in-depth, and I’m addressing a few of them on the podcast today.

I’ve received questions around some of the biggest concepts that I cover on this show, and I’m so excited to get into it so you can figure out how to best navigate them to live a truly intentional life. From boundaries and interdependence to mind drama around housework, I hope my thoughts today give you some guidance and insight on how to use the tools I share here to your advantage.

Tune in this week as I address some common questions around using the thought work protocol and demonstrate how codependency, people-pleasing, and perfectionism can all play such huge roles in many of the problems you face in your day-to-day lives. And if you have a question for me that you’d like some coaching around, make sure to get in touch!

By the way, my beauties, in this episode I share about a friend who recently died by suicide. In case you are sensitive to hearing stories like this, I wanted you to know beforehand. 

I am doing a free webinar all about boundaries happening on November 17th, 2020 at 7pm Eastern standard time! It’s where I’ll be taking questions live, and all you have to do to join is click here to register. I look forward to seeing you there!

If these topics I share here on the podcast resonate for you and you want to work with me, I invite you to check out my six-month masterclass, The Feminist Wellness Guide to Overcoming Codependency, which is starting up again in early 2021. Our current group is full, so click here to get on the waitlist!

As a special thank you for leaving a rating and review about the show on Apple Podcasts, I have a whole suite of meditations to send your way. They cover boundary setting, inner child healing, and grounding yourself in your body. Click here to get them!


What You’ll Learn:

  • Why you can’t offend or upset anyone by setting a boundary.
  • How we’ve come to feel like it’s our job to keep people happy.
  • My recommendations for how to set boundaries.
  • Why you are the only person who can violate or disregard your boundary.
  • The difference between interdependence and codependence.
  • Why putting other people’s feelings above your own is not a loving choice.
  • The cornerstone quality of healthy interdependence.
  • How those of us with codependent thought habits easily take on a martyr story.

Listen to the Full Episode:

Featured on the Show:

  • Follow me on Instagram
  • Keep up with me on Facebook
  • Curious about Breathwork Journey Meditation? Check out my free gift to you, Breathwork intro – a guide to the practice and a 13-minute session, all on the house, for you to download and keep.
  • Do you have a topic request or a question you’d like me to answer? Send me an email, I’ll be doing a listener q&a episode soon enough!
  • Let’s connect! Send a text message to 917-540-8447 and drop your email address in and we’ll send you a present. 
  • Ep #5: Boundaries
  • Ep #41: Boundaries and the Holidays

 

Full Episode Transcript:

 

Boundaries, interdependence, kindness, and housework. I will be diving in this week for volume one of our listener Q&A series. I am so excited to answer these questions that were sent in by listeners just like you. Curious? Keep listening. It’s going to be a good one.

You’re listening to Feminist Wellness, the only podcast that combines functional medicine, life coaching, and feminism to teach smart women how to reclaim their power and restore their health! Here’s your host, Nurse Practitioner, Functional Medicine Expert, Herbalist and Life Coach, Victoria Albina.

Hello, hello my love. I hope you are doing so well. It’s been a minute here in the US. We’ve had a couple, two, three things going on. I hope that you are taking really, really good care of your perfect self, attending to yourself, mind, body, spirit, finding some ways to soothe yourself and attend to your nervous system, which can get really ramped up.

It’s the election season if you’re listening to this much later, and I am recording this before election week because I made the decision for my future self that I was not going to record a podcast during the week that I’m assuming we are going to be waiting to hear what’s up and what’s happening.

So a little gift I gave myself in advance by using my prefrontal cortex to decide how I wanted to think and feel, and I took action by recording this show for you. So here we are. Fingers crossed, right?

I also wanted before we dive into the listener Q&A that I’m so excited to do, I wanted to take a little minute. Someone I love very much, someone I have known for 36 years since we first came to this country, a dear brother of growing up, that’s how I translate it from Spanish, hermano de crianza.

Mike Gallogly took his own life this week. And I am just shaken. Mike has had his moments. Depression, addiction, working through it all, I loved him very much. Been doing a lot of crying, a lot of letting myself be really upset, a lot of reaching out to folks.

Yeah, so when I talk about mind management, this is a great example. I did not want to manage my mind to think positive thoughts or even neutral ones until I had processed this through my body, which I’m not done with. These feelings of sadness for him, his seven siblings, for his amazing mom and dad, Paul and Fran.

His sister was my year in school, Jesse Gallogly, and she’s one of the actual most amazing human beings I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing and I’m just really feeling her heartbreak in addition to my own. Yeah, and I’m letting it sit. I’m sitting in it. I’m not trying to push it aside or move past it or move through it or give myself any platitude.

It’s like, oh well, well nothing. It’s a sadness, it’s a loss. And it hurts my heart to think of what Mikey must have been thinking when he decided that this was the way, that this was what needed to happen, that he needed to take his own life.

So I’m bringing this up because I show up here with the realness and because I want to invite you all to check in with yourself, with your friends with a history of depression, with your friends with a history of anxiety, just check in with the people you love, the people you care about. And check in with yourself in your own heart.

And when there’s something to grieve, I want to invite you to give yourself the space to really grieve it and not push it aside. So love you Mikey, sending you tons and tons of love and care and sweetness.

Okay, I’m trying to sit with this. This is the protector part. My brain just started telling me all these ridiculous stories. Mikey Gallogly is one of the few animals that I have non-consensually hit. I think I was probably – Jesse and I were in fourth grade, he was in third and my sister was in second.

And he took her backpack and ran off with it and oh, you know this Leo older sister, all the stuff, I ran after that kid and punched him so hard. Oh my gosh, he was such a troublemaker. I love that about him. Man, alright my sweet loves, let’s do that we do.

Let’s take a nice breath in. In through your nose and out through your nose. Let’s settle in, ground ourselves, come home to our bodies. I have some great questions that I am really excited to share my thoughts around, my answers to, my coaching around. So let’s dive in.

The first one comes from Megan in Colorado. She writes, “Hi Vic, I love the podcast and it’s been so helpful. I’m writing in because I need your help. I’m new to setting boundaries and it feels scary. And I don’t want to offend or upset anyone by telling them what they can or can’t do, and it hurts so much when I try to set a boundary and then I feel guilty and other people never respect my boundaries. Help please.”

Alright, well Megan, thank you so much for sending this in to podcast@victoriaalbina.com. So conveniently enough, I am actually doing a free live webinar all about boundaries on November 17th, 2020 at 7pm Eastern standard time. So I’ll answer this one in brief here, and I’ll invite you to join the webinar. I mean, price is right.

You can register at victoriaalbina.com/boundarieswebinar. One easy payment of 0.0 American dollars. Okay, let’s start by pulling this one apart because there are several different thoughts and assumptions here that we can work with.

So I’m hearing these all as separate thoughts that you can apply the thought work protocol to and start to take a look at. So, I’m new to setting boundaries. It feels scary. I don’t want to offend or upset anyone. The premise that setting boundaries is “telling them what they can or can’t do,” feeling guilt about setting boundaries, and finally, “people never respect my boundaries.”

So let’s zoom out here. A thing that brains – and I do mean all of our brains, that brains love to do is to group all of these thoughts and beliefs together and smush them together like they’re one thing. And that as a whole, this conglomeration of thoughts means something.

I’m guessing that you’re making this whole thing mean that you shouldn’t set boundaries because your brain is set to people pleasing. That’s the place on the dial it’s set to habitually. And what makes thought work so amazing is that it gives us a protocol for questioning our assumptions, our beliefs, our thoughts, because we can understand that our human brains believe what they’re told over and over and over again.

So if you’re colorblind and you can’t clearly see red, green, or blue light, you might say that the sky is blue because you’ve been told that over and over again. Though you might not even pause to ask yourself, do I experience it that way?

So what we do is we pause, and we look at each thought separately so that we can then ask ourselves with gentleness and love, what feeling arises in our bodies when we think that thought. What feeling does that thought create, understanding we take action based on that feeling because that’s what drives us as human mammals, knowing that we then create a result in our own lives, based on the action we take or don’t take.

So let’s start with this part. I don’t want to offend or upset anyone. This thought is predicated on believing that your actions can create thoughts and feelings for other people, but in reality, they can’t, and they don’t. Each of us has our own lens through which we see the world. And so we will each respond or react to setting a boundary from our own thoughts like you respond or react from yours.

So if someone else thinks you setting a boundary means you don’t love me, then they’re going to feel unloved if you set a boundary. If they think you setting a boundary is mean, then they might feel angry or upset when you set a boundary. But that comes from them, babe. That is their own brain having that thought.

Now, I have come to love it when someone sets a boundary. I think it’s the most loving, kind, amazing thing to do because a clear boundary tells me clearly what is and is not okay for this human, and it’s such a gift. So through my lens, a boundary is freaking awesome.

Set one and I’ll likely say, “Thank you so much for telling me what works and doesn’t work for you because I can then make choices that honor me, the other person, and our relationship.” I love a good boundary.

So for example, a friend of mine recently let me know that she’s not currently available for processing emotions in situations with me. She’s dealing with her own stuff and that’s what she’s doing. So totally my inner child is like, ouch, and started to take it personally, started to make it about her and about me, and so I stepped into soothe her and to let her – and here is my inner child, know that adult me is here for her and I reparented her in that moment.

And we got into the right relationship with each other. My inner child felt like oh okay, adult Vic’s taking care of me. And adult Vic, me, the one talking, I do this work on myself every single day so that when situations like this happen, I can thank my friend because I can recognize through my own lens, oh my goodness, I would so rather know that someone isn’t available for certain types of conversations than to not know and to then get into indirect or passive-aggressive conversations.

I would so much rather have her tell me than not to, and then have her not answer the phone, or not text me back, or to spill my guts and tell her everything and then have her say like, oh okay, I’m really sorry but I got to go, I cut my foot earlier and my shoe is filling with blood.

I’d so much rather the direct communication. So all of this to say you can’t control if someone is upset or offended by your boundary and it’s not your job to manage that for them. Only they get to decide how they are going to react or respond.

And you get to clearly say if you do X, I will do y. And you then get to release it, to let other adults take care of themselves and their adult minds however they need to. And if someone thinks less of you for setting a boundary, that’s 110% on them.

It’s not your business and it’s not yours to even think twice about because you simply cannot manage anyone else’s mind for them. That’s not how it works because science. And when we grow up with codependent and people-pleasing thinking being modeled for us, it sure can come to feel like it’s our job, and that’s a false belief.

It’s a false thought. It’s never your job to manage anyone else’s thoughts or feelings for them and the sooner you drop that heavy weight of believing that it is your job, or that it’s even possible, the more free you’ll be to attend to yourself deeply.

So let’s take a look at this next part of what you wrote. The premise that setting boundaries is “telling them what they can or can’t do.” I’ll start by saying that’s not how I recommend setting boundaries. It’s not what I’m thinking. I’m never telling anyone what they can or can’t do.

And I recommend both coming to the webinar on November 17th, where I’ll be answering questions live, and also listening to episodes five and 41, which are all about boundaries. So I keep my boundaries focused on me because that’s the only person who I can control and manage.

And goodness knows, managing my own mind is enough for me, thank you very much. I am no longer out here trying to manage anyone else’s mind. So I state boundaries as if you do X, I will do Y. Plain and simple.

My focus is what I will do in response to someone else. It’s not ever telling them what they should do or how they should be or how they should act. It’s clearly stating what I will do if they continue to behave in a way that doesn’t work for me.

The focus is on me. Now, as a human with habitually codependent thinking, which I learned in childhood as a survival mechanism, it has historically felt so uncomfortable to put my focus on me. And the good news is that the more I both consciously decide to prioritize myself and use the thought work protocol to see and focus on the results I create for me, while also holding that taking care of me and setting clear and simple and emotion-free boundaries is also good for my relationships, the easier it gets to sit with that discomfort.

And these days, it just doesn’t feel that uncomfortable. It’s easier and easier for my mind, body, spirit, inner children, nervous system to believe that the discomfort of clearly saying if you do X, I’ll do Y is so worthwhile.

And these days, yeah, actually as I say that and reflect on it, it actually feels more uncomfortable not to set a clean boundary because I know what a gift it has been in my life when the people I love come at me with clean, clear boundaries without guilt or shame or BS.

So some examples here. If you do X, I’ll do Y. If you bring up my weight, I will change the topic of conversation. Just letting you know. If we are having a conversation or an argument and you raise your voice at me, I will leave the room. I will not be yelled at.

Listen, if you fight on behalf of prejudicial or discriminatory opinions, I will no longer be spending time with you. That’s my boundary. So you get to make a choice. And that’s the thing, that’s what setting boundaries does. It gives you and the other person the freedom and the space to make a choice.

If the other person doesn’t want to meet your boundary, cool cool cool. There’s a consequence. I will change the topic, I will leave the room, I won’t hang out with you. I will take care of me because it’s my job to do so. And if you want to hang out with me, splendid, magnificent, amazing, incredible animal that I am, here’s what it looks like.

Finally, Megan, you wrote about the issue of folks not respecting your boundaries. Well, there are a few things here to note. One, if you’re using the format, if you do X, I’ll do Y, then the only person who can violate or disregard that boundary is essentially you, by not upholding your side of the bargain that you set forth to take care of you.

And this isn’t about me blaming you and being like you didn’t do it. It’s the opposite. It’s about empowering you to take ownership and responsibility. If you say you’re going to hang up the phone if someone crosses a particular line, then you get to do it.

Or consciously decide if you’re not going to and ask yourself if you like your reason why. That’s when you get to make sure that you’re not in people pleasing or codependency, trying to keep them happy with you, making that more important than you being happy with you.

The second thing I’ll say is that if someone consistently does disrespect your boundary, meaning they continue to do the X that you’ve clearly stated means you will do Y, well then my goodness, that is just more information, isn’t it? And you get to pause before you make their choice mean anything about you or about them as a human.

And you get to recognize and realize that this person is showing you very clearly how they operate in the world and how they have and will continue to treat you. And you get to heed the words of the magnificent Dr. Maya Angelou who said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. And if it’s the 473 time that someone has disrespected this boundary, you can also choose to believe them now.

Thanks for writing in, Megan. So much more on the topic of boundaries coming up soon. Alright, our second question. “Hey V, thanks so much for all the free support you put out and for making me feel better about being such a nerd.” That’s cute.

“My question is this. What’s the difference between interdependence and codependence? I’m afraid that if I stop being codependent, I’ll become this terrible asshole who isn’t nice or a good friend or partner. Can you help me think through this? XO, your nerdiest fan.”

Oh my goodness, I needed this laugh. Thank you, my nerdiest fan, for your question, for the framing. This is a really important one and I’m glad you’re such a nerd. And on that note, I’ll also start by saying that I didn’t make you feel better about being a nerd. You did that.

You decided to think a different thought to feel a different way about nerdiness, perhaps recognizing that it is indeed a superpower and a very sexy, fun, modern thing to be. And you’re welcome. It’s my pleasure and honor to wrap nerdiness as – what shall we call it? The new hotness. How’s that?

And that is the lens that I’m choosing to use to see my penchant for saying things like – oh my god, I actually literally said this today. “Well you know how it goes, once randomized, always analyze.” The nerdiness runs real deep here, y’all. I actually said that in a conversation with a friend today like, an hour ago.

So nerds for the win. Alright darling, on to your question. So there are two things here. One, what’s the difference between interdependence and codependence? And two, this fear that not being codependent will make you a jerk face.

So first, and you know what, I’ll actually do a whole show about this because it’s a really common question. Like what does interdependence look like if we are positing that as the alternative to continued codependent thinking, and it’s a cornerstone of my six-month course, Overcoming Codependency.

We really look to see where in our lives we can grow our interdependence so we can be in loving connection with the people we love in a healthier way. In short, knowing I’ll do a much longer show all about this, codependence is when our identities and emotional states get all tied up with what we perceive another person is feeling or thinking.

It’s marked by a lack of balance, struggles for power and control, a feeling like one person is taking on all the responsibility for the other person’s emotional state, for their wellness, for their life, which can lead to a lot of anxiety, guilt, blame, resentment when you’re trying to manage someone else’s emotional state for them, which is an impossible task, to say the least.

In this framework, there’s no autonomy or healthy individuality. And so we seek to be perfect, and thus, uncritiqueable. To people please because we believe that if others aren’t happy with us, it’s our fault and our problem. So we try to manage everything for everyone, chronically putting ourselves, our wants, our needs last.

Some common codependent thoughts are, “I want a partner who treats me X, Y, Z way,” versus focusing first on giving that to ourselves. I just want everyone to be happy is another one. I feel guilty when I take care of myself or set a boundary is another. I’m so exhausted from taking care of other people, I have no time for myself is another.

Meanwhile, interdependence is marked by mutual enrichment, born of self-love and self-trust. I trust me to show up for me and I trust you to show up for me the way you can and want to when I ask. Not the way my perfectionist fantasy demands that you do.

In an interdependent relationship, both partners show up in their fullest autonomy, with the ability to function fully independently. And there’s a distinction between the needs of both partners and all needs are equally respected as valid, whether the other person is available to meet those needs or not.

In an interdependent relationship, both partners make an effort to support the other one’s emotional and physical needs without demanding or controlling the other, taking full ownership of their own thoughts, feelings, actions, and results.

So codependency sounds like I take care of you and get mad when you don’t read my mind and take care of me the way I think you should without my even telling you because I spend my life attempting to stay one step ahead of everyone else’s needs and wants and feelings and everyone else should be doing the same and doing it perfectly, or I will be resentful. And while I won’t tell you about it, you will know about it. And if you ask, I may deny it.

And I’m laughing because I have 127 million percent been there, so it’s the laughter of I get it. And I will just side note, one of my favorite parts of my six-month program is how much we laugh. How much we’re like, oh, I do that thing. And it’s that laugher of being held and being seen and feeling safe in a community where you can really see and own and take responsibility for your own thought habits that don’t serve you. It’s so magical.

So if that’s what codependency says, then what interdependence says is I take care of me, you take care of you, and we meet in the middle with mutual respect and care, trusting that both of us are taking care of ourselves so we can honestly, openly, and vulnerably share our wants, needs, and desires, knowing that we can take care of ourselves and can depend on one another to show up as we are able.

The energy is so different there and I will tell you, shifting from that codependent thinking to interdependent thinking has been nothing short of mind-blowing and life-changing for me.

So the second part of your question, will not being codependent, not enacting all the people pleasing, all the perfectionism, all the doing for others what they can do for themselves, will that make you a jerk face?

Well, I actually think that putting other people’s feelings above your own is the less loving choice, because then you’re not attending to you and giving yourself what you need. And that’s often accompanied by this story that other people need to fill your cup. But since no one else can really do it for you, they’re always going to F up, kind of by definition.

So the internal story often goes I’ll only be happy when my partner, my best friend, my parent, my boss, when whomever does X, Y, and also definitely Z differently, better, when they do it my way. So your mind is constantly telling you that they need to change. They need to change so I can be happy.

And this leads us to try to change the other person, try to force a solution, which is not only impossible, it’s not kind. It’s not loving, it’s not helpful, it’s not respectful. Honoring that other people are the way they are, are who they are, and coming into deep and radical acceptance around that is the most loving choice there is.

Meanwhile and simultaneously, being open and honest about what we need, what we want is a cornerstone quality of healthy interdependence. And is something we hide in codependence because we don’t think we’re allowed to have needs or wants and oh my goodness, are we resentful about it, as though it was the other person’s fault, which it’s not.

In codependent thinking, we don’t know what we want or need and don’t set loving boundaries, which sets ourselves and the other person up for failure. I could go on with examples here, my darling, but in short, when you continue to put other people ahead of yourself, you’re not actually being kind or loving.

All humans need to recharge and reset or you’re going to resent. And that just sucks for everyone. Dropping the story that you can or need to be everything for everyone allows you to do the same and not try to make anyone else your everything or think they need to do everything for you.

And in that, you allow you to take care of you and to show up for all of your relationships, your activism, your work, your life, with a full emotional cup, knowing you can and will fill it for yourself. Not expecting anyone else to do it for you, and then being pissed off that they can’t.

I hope that’s landing for you, my darling. Okay, so our third and final question for today. “My boyfriend never does any of the housework. I do all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, dog care, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I keep telling him that he needs to help, and it just doesn’t happen. I’m so freaking exhausted from doing everything and I just want him to put his dishes in the sink. Thanks, Beatrice.”

Alright, well, thank you for this Beatrice. This is such a common one for those of us with the thought habits we love to talk about here on Feminist Wellness. Codependency, people pleasing, and perfectionism. And each of those thought habits is likely playing a part here for you.

And before I even dive in, that last part kind of made me laugh. “I just want him to put his dishes in the sink.” Doesn’t sound like with four et cetera’s that all you want him to do, so just noting that. It sounds like there’s a lot more there.

So if we were coaching live like we do every week in my six-month program, I would start by getting clarity on the statement that you “do everything.” Now, I start there because we’re all about looking at our habitual thoughts and so it’s super vital to question our own stories.

Again, they don’t come from nowhere. Our minds decided that things are a certain way, often things were modeled for us, like we may have had a parent who told the same story, who was in this sort of martyr archetype and told the story I do everything, I do everything, I do everything.

And so that’s the lens we use to see the world through, it’s the lens we’ve always used until we learn the skill to stop and to question it. And I think of it for all my nerds out there who are also of myopic assortment. I’m talking to my four eyes.

You know how at the end of the day how your fingers are covered in those smushy, greasy fingerprints? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m a grossie. Totally fine. But I think of this thought work as one of the things that cleans or proverbial mental glasses so we can see the world clearly and in a new way.

And so we do that by asking, is this a thought or a fact? What we’re actually asking, is this story entirely true? And I start there, not because I distrust you or think you’re actively trying to lie here, but because it’s important to.

So not knowing the details of your experience with your boyfriend, but knowing what often happens in the minds of folks with codependent thought habits is that we can easily take on that martyr story, one in which we feel like we’re doing absolutely everything and by comparison, everyone else is doing absolutely nothing.

So you get to start by asking yourself, what are you really doing and what is your boyfriend really doing? Not with this like, tit for tat, I did this so you should do kind of energy, which is a hallmark of codependent thinking, but rather, pause and run a check. Like a reality check.

Now if you do that and you realize that you are actually in fact doing most of the housework or all of the housework, you get to pause, my darling, and to look at your own choices. And yes, we’ll get to him soon enough, but notice, when our focus is on other people, our focus is on other people.

And so a huge part of this work of healing codependency, perfectionism, people pleasing is turning that spotlight onto ourselves, to see our own internal ecosystem, our own internal landscape. So my love, I will invite you to ask yourself, why are you choosing to do most of the chores?

And to ask yourself that with love and kindness, getting curious. What’s your driver, baby? What’s your reason why? Is it to prove that you’re lovable? Is it to uphold that martyr or saint or victim story that we sure do love to roll around in?

Is it to try to make others see your value and worth in concrete ways? In number of dishes done, number of floors mopped, number of laundry cycles run? Is it ammunition for the protection of your perfectionist part so that when someone says you didn’t do something or didn’t do it perfectly you can fire back with the litany of things you did do as though that would absolve you or protect your tenderness?

Is it to make you invaluable and needed so you don’t get abandoned? Is it to attempt to control your space while your mind is unmanaged? Is it a buffer against feeling your feelings about this relationship or anything else? Is it to prove to yourself that you are perfect in this one way, that you keep a clean house?

Is it because you are socialized as a woman and so you think you have to keep things a certain way because that’s what women are supposed to do and you’ve never questioned that story? Is it an unconscious attempt to cover up for things you perceive to be weaknesses or flaws, things you may feel shame about, about yourself, or things you’ve done in the past? Thoughts you’ve had?

Is it an attempt to keep people from thinking negative things about you like that you don’t have a perfectly clean oven and thus you’re not a person worthy of love and care? My beauty, I could go on. A huge part of coaching is asking questions that get your brain thinking. And the point is this; you get to ask yourself your own reason why for the things you do.

And then you get to ask yourself if you like that reason. And if you like it, great, keep on keeping on. And if you don’t, great, you can use the thought work protocol to change your thinking so you can live with intention. It starts with getting real and honest and vulnerable with yourself before you start looking at what others are or aren’t doing.

And once you’ve done that, you can work the thought work protocol around it to ask yourself what feelings these thoughts are creating for you and what the actions and results in your own life are. And once you get clear on that, you can decide which of these thoughts you want to keep, understanding that they were co-created in your childhood likely, or perhaps in young adulthood as protective mechanisms, an attempt to try to keep you from experiencing pain or discomfort or being judged or criticized.

And my love, you don’t need to hold on to any of these thoughts. They don’t actually protect you. Instead, they keep you stuck in that old story that you have to constantly prove your worth, which you never do. You are absolutely perfect, lovable, and worthy just as you are.

My darling, you were born that way. You’ve done this work. You’ve evaluated, you’ve taken a hard look at what the what is here, you’ve asked yourself if this is a thought or a fact. I do everything, and yeah, you’ve gotten clear around it.

So let’s say you have recognized that yes, you are doing 98% of the housework and you’ve done your diving into it, and you understand your reasons why. And you’ve gone to your partner, to your boyfriend here you said and ask for mutuality, for there to be a fair distribution of household labor.

And your boyfriend either still isn’t doing what he said he would or wouldn’t agree to do half the work or gives you an excuse, gets defensive, is not available for this conversation, isn’t available to step into mutuality here, then you get to decide if this is a relationship you want to stay in or not.

If you’re not getting met with interdependence and mutuality, if you’re not getting met by a partner who wants to show up for you and your relationship, baby, you get to decide to leave. That’s perfectly okay. You always get to decide that for you.

Don’t stay because you fear you won’t find anyone else or because you’re scared to be alone, or because you think you can change him, or that if you wish hard enough, he’ll change, because that’s just not real. I mean, sure people change, that’s what we do here. We work to change our thoughts and behavior that no longer serve us, but you actively hit play on this podcast, you subscribed to this podcast because you want to.

So there has to be willingness, there has to be that desire to make change. And if there isn’t, then there isn’t. So you get to check in and see if that’s a real fact or if it’s just a thought in your mind and move forward accordingly, understanding all the stories in your head about staying, about going, about his fault, his doing, his not doing. Just get really real with it, my baby.

And on that note, you get to release that wish, that desire for him to want to do anything in the world. That desire for him to want to do anything for you or to make you happy. Because it’s a losing game and it’s creating pain and suffering for you, my beauty.

He wants to do what he wants to do, and he may decide to show up in a new way, to meet you and support you, or he may not. But wanting him to want something is not staying on your side of the street. If you want to be with someone who wants to do something you want them to do, then that sounds like being with some other dude and not the one you’re with.

So you get to drop the wishing and get realistic about the human in front of you so you can accept him and unconditionally love him for exactly who he is. Practice that, practice cleaning up your side of the street, giving yourself what you want and need, and you can then, from there, take action, to stay or go on your own terms, accepting him for who he has shown you that he is.

And that person may be someone with core values that are different from yours. These are the questions you get to ask, my beauty. Alright, that is it for today. Thank you for listening in. It is always so fun to get your questions.

If you have a question for me about a concept, something you’d like some coaching around, go ahead and email it over to podcast@victoriaalbina.com. And you never know when your question will get answered on the show, so make sure that you head on over to wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to the show.

And what that does is that it puts it on your phone using the automatic magic of the interwebs, so it’s always there for you when you want and need it. And that’s really fun because I like it when things are easy-peasy.

Okay, and finally, my masterclass. Oh babes, it is just the most funnest, most amazing-est thing I could ever have dreamt of in this world and we are starting enrollment for the January 18th, 2021 cohort.

We’ve already got a couple humans in there and I’m ridiculously excited because it’s such a blast and it’s so beautiful to see people deciding that they are ready to shift from anxiety and guilt and resentment and shame and codependence and perfectionism and people pleasing to the beautiful world of interdependence.

So magical. You can get more info at victoriaalbina.com/masterclass, so that’s a lot of things, but there you go. How fun. Thank you all. Thank you everyone who sent in questions and let’s do what we do. Nice breath in and out. Remember, you are safe, you are held, you are loved. And when one of us heals, we help heal the world. Be well, my beauty. Check in with the people you love in this life. Let them know they are loved and you’re a safe person to talk to. Be well. I’ll talk to you soon.

If you’ve been enjoying the show and learning a ton, it’s time to apply it with my expert guidance so you can live life with intention, without the anxiety, overwhelm, and resentment, so you can get unstuck. You’re not going to want to miss the opportunity to join my exclusive intimate group coaching program, so head on over to victoriaalbina.com/masterclass to grab your seat now. See you there. It’s going to be a good one.

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VictoriaAlbina

Victoria Albina

Victoria Albina, NP, MPH is a licensed and board certified Family Nurse Practitioner, herbalist and life coach, with 20 years experience in health and wellness. She trained at the University of California, San Francisco, and holds a Masters in Public Health from Boston University and a bachelors from Oberlin College. She comes to this work having been a patient herself, and having healed from a lifetime of IBS, GERD, SIBO, fatigue, depression and anxiety.

She is passionate about her work, and loves supporting patients in a truly holistic way - body, mind, heart and spirit. A native of Mar del Plata, Argentina, she grew up in the great state of Rhode Island, and lives in NYC with her partner. A brown dog named Frankie Bacon has her heart, and she lives for steak and a good dark chocolate.

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