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Ep #204: Getting Anchored: Margot’s Experience


Feminist Wellness with Victoria Albina | Getting Anchored: Margot’s Experience

It is such an honor and a privilege to work with each and every member of the Anchored community, and I am always delighted to share their stories with you. Having a model of how much your life can change with the right skills, tools, guidance, coaching, and a loving community just like Anchored is vital, and my guest today is here to let us into her journey.

Margot Hanley is an alumnus of Anchored and a life coach specializing in coaching parents of transgender and gender non-conforming children. The training she went through in cognitive coaching started her down a path of seeing that her life could be different, but she felt something was missing. It led her to our community, and she’s sharing just how much Anchored reshaped her entire life.

Join us this week as Margot shares why she felt called to join Anchored, and the transformations she’s experienced both as a member and now as a graduate. She’s offering her insights on the time and financial investment necessary, the importance of consent in coaching, and her thoughts on getting coached in the collective. 



We are starting enrollment for our first 2023 cohort of Anchored in February. If you’ve been listening to the show and loving what you’re learning, but you want to take this work deeper, I would be thrilled to have you join us. Click here to learn more and to get on the waiting list!

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What You’ll Learn:

Why Margot is so passionate about the somatic aspect of coaching. 

What led Margot to join Anchored. 

How her life has changed since being a part of the Anchored community. 

The importance of consent in coaching. 

Margot’s insights on getting coached in the collective. 

The transformations Margot experienced while she was in Anchored, and now as an alumnus. 

Why it’s not enough to do just cognitive coaching.

What she has discovered from going through the program again on her own.

How Margot managed her time to participate in Anchored as a busy coach.

Listen to the Full Episode:

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Full Episode Transcript:

This is Feminist Wellness, and I’m your host, Nurse Practitioner, Functional Medicine Expert, and life coach, Victoria Albina. I’ll show you how to get unstuck, drop the anxiety, perfectionism, and codependency so you can live from your beautiful heart. Welcome my love, let’s get started.

Hello, hello, my love. I hope this finds you doing so well. This week, I am delighted; I'm often delighted, it's a truth about who I am in this world. And so, I am actually delighted to share a conversation I recently had with Margot, who is a life coach herself and was a member of Anchored recently.

Margot shares all about her transformation, not just as a person, as a human, but as a coach. And how the program really helped her to reshape her way of thinking, her somatic or bodily experience of being alive, being a person in the world. And, just how much Anchored helped her to get grounded in herself. To come home to herself. To shift her way of relating. It is just so beautiful to hear about her transformation. And so, I'm thrilled to share it with you today.

As always, I share these conversations because having a model of just how much our lives can change is vital. I know when I was in the depths of my own codependent, perfectionist, and people pleasing thought habits, I felt like there was no end in sight. That I was just doomed. That I would be this way forever. And, another way is possible.

A whole other way of living is possible through thought work, breathwork, somatic or body-based work. We really can live differently with the right skills, the right tools, the right guidance and coaching, and the loving community that is yours, in Anchored.

I also want to make note of the fact that the sound quality of this recording is not what you’re used to here on Feminist Wellness and who knows? The robots who do the recording were maybe just not on their A-game that day and we’re going to give them the grace because that’s what we’ve got. Or maybe it’s because I was her in New York and Margot was in France, and, well, that doesn’t really hold water but anyway, the sound recording’s not great but the content is.

So, without further ado, my conversation with Margot.

Victoria Albina: Hello. Hello, Margot.

Margot Hanley: Hello, Victoria. So good to see you.

Victoria: It is so good to see you, too. Thank you so much for taking the time to join me today, and to talk with me about your experience in Anchor.

Margot: Oh, it's really a pleasure. Any chance I get to talk to you is wonderful.

Victoria: The feeling is so mutual. So, would you start us off by sharing your name and where you live? I usually ask folks to do a land acknowledgement, but you know, you live in France, so…

Margot: I have no idea.

Victoria: Well, I think it's in France. Speaking of colonizing.

Margot: Yes. My name is Margot Hanley. I am living in France currently, just south of Paris, in a small village. And, I've been here for about 12 years now.

Victoria: Margot, what lights you up? What are you passionate about?

Margot: That's a good question. I am passionate about animals, about nature, and sports, and being outside. I'm really passionate about, this last year, everything I learned in your program. Because it really changed my life up, quite a bit. I am a trained life coach through Life Coach School, which is mostly based in cognitive coaching. Which is amazingly powerful on its own and can help change lives incredibly.

But what was missing there for me was this somatic part. You know, being able to go into the body and intuition. And when you'd have these strong emotional reactions to things and trying to tap into that cognitively just wasn't working; I would get lost. And so, learning this whole part of coaching from you and experiencing it with you, I just got really passionate about all of this.

I've been talking about it with all my friends and some of my clients, and I'm creating a new program trying to incorporate all this in there, too. Because it just rounds out the whole coaching experience, I think. So, that's my new passion. But otherwise, it's usually you know, animals, dogs, or being outside.

Victoria: I love new passions, and I love that you're taking everything you learned in Anchored, and you're immediately applying it in your own coaching practice and your life.

Margot: I’m so excited. You’ve made such a difference, it's incredible.

Victoria: I want to hear about that difference. So, if we zoom back to before Anchored, what led you to join the program? What interested you about Anchored and everything it offers?

Margot: That's a great question, because I come from alcoholic home, you know, family. And I knew that I had a codependent personality, at a young age, in my 20’s. But I thought it was, that's who I was, I was codependent. It was like, you know, I was there, and I just had to deal with it. And through listening to your podcast, and learning more, and becoming a coach, but also, you know, I was a coach. And then, I started following your podcast.

It was just hearing what you were saying about codependency and how it's practiced behaviors. And it's habit, and it can be changed. It really excited me about all of that. And I was going through a really difficult time in a relationship that I'm in, and the timing of was just incredibly perfect. Because, you know, people always say this, but it was like you were speaking to me about my problem, my experience in that moment, and how I was functioning in it.

It just really blew my mind. And so, I started following you and decided I really needed to do your program. I'm so glad I did. It really, really made a difference in my life.

Victoria: I'd love to hear about that difference. What changed in your life from being in Anchored?

Margot: It's mostly bringing in the whole somatic side and, you know, heart side to being able… And I never really thought about, which is kind of funny, because I have… Well, not funny. But I have a medical background; worked in hospitals for 30 years. But I never thought about nervous system deregulation, and what that does, and how it kind of takes our cognitive function offline for a little bit.

And so, I felt really secure and knowledgeable, and able to manage my life on so many levels, and feeling very well in doing so. And then, there would be these moments where I would just be knocked sideways a little bit. And now, I know I was totally like, pumped into parasympathetic and nervousness and fear.

They were subtle; it was subtle things that could do it sometimes. And I would be lost in that moment. Like, I couldn't figure my way out of it. I couldn't access my cognitive function and to think my way out of it. It was painful. And, they were painful. And I kept thinking, you know, “When will I learn enough? When will I know enough to get over this? To not get into these moments, or to have this stop happening?”

Through working with you, I realized that a lot of that feeling is coming from within. It's not coming from a cognitive thought. It's coming from an old pattern, an old part of me inside, that's still reacting to a certain situation, a certain stimulus.

And in fact, it was interesting, because I just asked you a question that I needed coaching on, in Slack, and told you what was going on. I was saying how I was just totally taken off guard and feeling incapable of coping. I was just kind of a nervous wreck. For a day I was panicking and weird and couldn't get out of it.

And you, in response to me, you asked me one question, “You know what part of you thinks, blah, blah, blah?” And it was just, bing, my eyes opened. And I was like; this is coming from inside of me. This is coming from a part of me that's holding on to something.

And the way you worded the question helped me just to sit with myself, ask myself the question, go inside, feel where that part was, and listen to what it was saying. Like, really get in touch with where this was coming from. And, you know, instead of trying to go into thought work to figure it out, it was to go inside and find it.

Acknowledge it, and give it some love, and give it some attention and reassurance. And, not judging it. Not feeling poorly about myself and all of that, for the reaction that I had. It totally changed and shifted everything for me. And now, I've used it other times, in other situations. And yeah, it's this whole new level of opening to myself, instead of reacting at myself, and judging myself and trying to control myself and figure it all out. I'm just opening to myself and accepting. And yeah, that changes everything.

Victoria: I love everything you just shared. There's so much available to us when we prioritize presence.

Margot: Yeah, and when you are reacting in a situation, it's hard to do that. So, you need to practice it outside of, in your daily routine or whatever. It's just learning to practice those things, and to be in touch with ourselves. Because when you grow up codependent, people pleasing, all of that type of behavior, you're so outwardly focused, that you lose sight of yourself and you don't know how to do it.

And, that's what you're so great at doing. Every week we get new somatic practices and you walk through them. You show us how to be non-judgmental and open and curious in working through it. And then, in your coaching, which was just blew my mind and I loved it, you move. Like, you're not just seated in your chair talking into the camera. You're moving with that. When someone's talking you start moving as we're talking.

And then, it's always a question like, how do you want to be coached on this? Do you want to go cognitive? Or, do you want to go somatic, into the body? And you stand up with us, and we move together. Because it's not something, at least for myself I wasn't used to it at all, like moving through a feeling. Moving through thought work around a feeling. Like, moving the body and getting in touch.

So yeah, it was just, everything was mind blowing for me. It really changed things up.

Victoria: I'm so, so, so glad to hear that. I hear you speaking in there to the importance of consent. Right? When you said how do you want to be coached? Right? I'm always going to ask that. Because when we grow up in systems, family systems, the family blueprint that tends towards codependent, perfectionist, and people pleasing habits, our consent doesn't tend to matter.

Margot: No, not at all. Yeah. And that was something that was wonderful, is that you always made sure that we felt comfortable. And even if we raised our hand for coaching, and we were on the list, when you came to our turn, you’d say, “Do still want to do this? It's up to you.” It was always that way. It was great.

Victoria: Yeah, thank you. Yeah, it's really, really important to me that we prioritize and privilege nervous system safety, right? Because how can we make change in our minds, in our bodies, in our lives, if we don't feel safe in the container of the coaching?

Margot: Yeah. And that's why your program being six months long is so good, because that takes time to even figure out how your nervous system feels safe. Like, what does that feel like? Because we're so used to being guarded, or however, you know. We all come to the program differently. But we're used to our normal armoring, holding, bracing, whatever it is.

And so, you know, just being able to practice over a period of time like that, over six months, in different ways, different situations. Watching each other being coached was really… Being able to witness other people and hold the space for them. And knowing that that would be done for us also, during our coaching, just brought the group together in so close.

With your guidance, it was just amazing. Because it takes time to undo also, all those years of self-judgment, self-criticism unacceptance. And to slowly start to unravel that, it takes time. It’s something we're not used to, for sure.

Victoria: Yeah, I think we're collectively, most of us, not used to slowing things down. It's so demanded of us that we focus on productivity, on efficiency, and getting it done, and figuring it out. Yeah. Which is so the opposite of somatics. Right?

Figuring it out is all brain, it's all push. It's all like, that forward movement, you know, in that transverse plane, versus that sagittal movement of being present with the feeling. Which is, what we do through somatics.

So, you spoke to getting coached in the group. It's a thing people are nervous about, which I totally get. You know, day one, it's like, who are these people? Will they be nice? Will they be kind? Will they be just like, what's going to happen? Especially when you've never ever been coached. Could you speak a little to what it was like to get coached in the collective?

Margot: Yeah, it was, you know, I think everyone was nervous in the beginning. But as we grew together as a group, also, that changed over time. But you're so gifted at making people feel safe and comfortable. And always getting in front for everything, you know, at the start of the coaching, during the coaching; do you want to do this? Do you not? Do you want to stop doing it? You're always asking that.

And so, it just made us feel more and more comfortable, and more and more willing to raise our hands to be coached. It was just a real feeling of community and support in the group. And in the beginning, especially people who’ve never been coached, like even really knowing what to bring to the coaching, you know, to be asked to be coached on.

And then with time, over time, people were really opening up; we were crying, we were moving. We were doing whatever, with you. And it just got better and better over time, and more and more comfortable. Yeah, I do think that in the beginning, people are a little cautious, wanting to watch first, not raise their hand, see how this works.

But it's just a very warm container. And, we feel very secure in wanting to open up and get coached, for sure.

Victoria: What would you say the transformation in your life was like, concretely, while you were in the program, and now as an alumnus?

Margot: My experience was very profound because I was going through a really hard time also, during the program. Which is still continuing to this day. But I went from being somebody who, whenever I was facing a really tough challenge or something that came up for me personally, I would be scrambling to talk to somebody, to tell somebody.

And I would feel very unsafe, even in myself. Like, there was no immediate danger and I wasn't, you know, going to be put on the street, or there wasn't anything happening like that. But I can just feel so unsafe in my body, dealing with rejection, dealing with betrayal.

That kind of thing is so hard when you've been practicing codependent behavior your whole life, and you're always looking outside yourself. I think you said one time, it's when you are constantly seeking for external validation, it's like you get really brittle. And you don't have the ability to remain supple and to support yourself.

And so, through learning all about what's happening in my body when I have those reactions. My nervous system, how to practice beforehand in regulating myself and my body. And giving my own self the love that I need,  and acceptance. I mean, it's been a life transformation for me.

I don't think there's anything more powerful than being able to give yourself the love and security that you need. And also, at the same time, being able to notice when your nervous system is out of regulation. Notice what you're feeling in your body, and be able to bring it back into regulation. Or, just being able to sit with it and support it for a while.

All of that, like I certainly know, being trained in more cognitive coaching, I was able to do a lot of thought work. But if you just stay up in your head, it's not enough. You have to involve the body, the intuition, and all of that, in with cognitive. Because it's also very important to do the cognitive work at the same time to, you know, create change. Move things forward to create what it is you want to see in your life. But it needs to come together with all the rest.

So, you know, my transformation, concretely, was that I'm able to, as I'm still even going through this somewhat difficult time, just feel so much more empowered. Feel so much more clarity. Have more compassion with myself. Catch myself in the self-judgment, and you just run on repeat. Now I'm catching it, learning to go and figure out what it's about, change it.

All of that is just so profound and incredibly life changing. And also, being able to see that, now as a coach, and bringing that into my coaching business, to working with my clients, just changes everything.

Victoria: And what are you doing now, that helps you to continue to feel connected, empowered, anchored in yourself?

Margot: Well, actually, the program is so in-depth, there's so much to it. And when I was going through the program, I had had travels and different things happening. Right now, what I'm doing also, is I'm going through the program again; I'm just going through it on my own.

Because, graciously, you allow us to download the whole program, so we get to keep it, and I'm finding it so amazingly valuable. And so, I don’t know if soothing is the word, but just so…

Victoria: …Reinforcing grounding?

Margot: Grounding. And I learned a lot, as I was going through the program, and applying a lot. But now I'm like actually, like really digging in there, a lot of it. And just remembering some of the older practices, somatic practices, that maybe I wasn't doing as much anymore.

So, I'm just like really going through it, week by week, and doing the journaling a bit more than I had time for during it. Doing that, I'm journaling more, I'm doing somatic practices every day. And doing them before I go to bed at night, where it’s been really helping my sleep.

And like I said, I'm still kind of going through a difficult time, so it's helping through all of that; it's like vital, really vital.

Victoria: Yeah, some things in there that are so important to point out, is integration, is the first one, right? So, after breathwork, which we do every month in the program, we save half hour, 45 minutes, for folks to integrate. To talk about their experience, to get to witness.

And I think, for the program as a whole, it's so important. Not just the program, but learning these skills, these tools. Really shifting our cognitive and somatic experience of ourselves in the world. Really taking the time to integrate it. Because it's great to go have an experience, but if it's not actually changing your day-to-day life, it's like; well, what did we do that for? Right? So, I'm just hearing integration in there.

Margot: That's the word I was looking for. It's like being able to go back and redo things. I'm really integrating much more and, you know, taking my time with it.

Victoria: Yeah. One of the things you mentioned, is that you're doing the journaling more, now that you have some more time. Can you talk to… You know, you're a busy woman. You’re a coach, you were flying back and forth from the U.S. and France. Can you speak to time management? How much time one needs to spend in the program? Just sort of how you made that all work?

Margot: I had set aside one morning a week, and it would run over sometimes. It was actually fun. But actually, going through the unit for the week, there are recorded lessons where you're learning something new. Journaling prompts, somatic work, and then, the coaching sessions every week.

So, I would set aside my time in the morning, usually on a Monday morning, because I'd want to listen to the lesson for the week. And I would do the somatic practices at other times during the week, like, in the afternoon, you know, all by itself; just sit and do the somatic practices. And I would try to practice them a couple of times in the week.

Like I said, I'd do it before going to bed, or depending on what the practice was, it was for most of the coursework, it was like one morning, good solid morning. And, you know, if something came up, of course, that would change a little bit. But basically, it would be that one day, so I knew that I was going to go through the lesson. Doing the somatic work whenever it felt right for me.

And doing some somatic practices, which  was really new to me, took some like, you know, intentional effort; I’m going to do this. I’m going to practice this, even when I don't need it. Because then I’ll know what works for me. And then, journaling. I do that now in the morning. I used to do it sometimes before bed, when I was in the program. Because, like you said, traveling and other things would get in the way. But I'm doing it much more regularly now. And so, that's really helping.

Really, if you dedicate a little bit of time to the program, it doesn't take up that much of your week. It takes as much time as you want to give it, basically. But the lessons are recorded, so you listen to them on audio. And you can read them, if you prefer to read.

And it would depend on the lesson. Like, for me personally, because everybody's in a different state. So, some lessons I really dig more into in the moment, in the week. Certain others, I would read through and ingest and have there. It kind of flowed as it needed to. But it's very doable. Very, very doable program, as far as time commitment.

Victoria: Yeah, yeah. Thank you for sharing that. I mean, I say it all the time, I think it's nice for folks to hear from somebody else, who has actually gone through the program. So, thank you.

What would you say to someone who's nervous about making the investment, the financial investment?

Margot: I would say that, for me, it was a big investment. And I was a little nervous about it at first. But after I did it, I had no buyer's remorse. You know that thing that comes in right away, like; oh, my God, what did I just do? I had zero. It just came from this space of; this is the work that I need to do, more than anything else.

And I think anybody walking in this world with codependent, people pleasing type behavior, there's nothing more important; absolutely nothing more important. And, that's why this program changed me so profoundly. The way I show up. The way I show up for myself, number one, for sure. Not even knowing before, that I could show up for myself.

I didn't give myself enough grace and enough acknowledgement that I could be that person for me. Now, I know it. I know it in every cell in my body. And so, that is invaluable. It's just invaluable. And I think, also the change that you make in your life, and the way you show up, even at work and relationships.

And wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I think it will come back; the investment will come back tenfold. Because of the empowerment, the freedom, it's just invaluable. I mean, I can't say enough about that.

So it is, you know, if you're nervous about the investment, that's understandable. Everyone needs to make that choice for themselves. But for me, it's just, I’d do it again. I’d do it again. Because it was worth way more way more than what we pay for this program. There's so much to it.

Victoria: Thank you. Oh, it's so beautiful to hear you talking about self-concept and your relationship with yourself, and really having your own back. And I also know that you did some important work on your relationship with some beloveds in your life, with other folks in your life, with your clients. How has your relationship with others in the world shifted since then?

Margot: Yeah, it's interesting, because I've always been a very strong, independent woman. I raised my daughter; I was a single mom. I relocated from Detroit, where I was born and raised, to Hawaii. Which was a huge move. And then, from Hawaii to France. And so, I would never describe myself as…

You know, some people think of codependency and dependency as being a weak person. Or, you know, it's not about that really, at all. It's more about our internal dialogue, where we're looking for validation and things like that. But the way that I'm showing up differently in relationships, even though I understood this before from my coach training on a cognitive level, is that I really applied it to myself and my codependent behaviors and thought patterns.

I’ve changed so much; I don't even know where to start. But I'm really taking ownership for my own emotions and my own self. The emotional adulthood that comes along with this is amazing. So, you don't live so much in reaction to other people. You're very much allowing other people to be who they are, freeing them up to be who they are, and allowing yourself to do the same.

And so yeah, my relationships have shifted, incredibly. And when it comes to my clients, there's like, it's a couple of different levels to it. But I'm able to see more clearly also, where they're coming from. In many ways, because of lifting off of that filter, in a way. We always get into a neutral space before we start coaching, we always coach with love and neutrality and acceptance.

So, doing this work as a coach really helps you to release any kind of, you know, even unconscious filter that you might have on. Any kind of identifying with a client that's going through something. Being able to give them the space to be able to show up as they are. And being able to keep your own space. And when the client’s reacting to you, which happens all the time, not taking them personally.

Not being thrown off by that. Being able to allow them their reaction. Being able to be in your own zone. And also, through, you know, any coaching business, you have to also, do all the marketing and do all the calls, and the work to get clients. And when you're hearing no’s, it's really easy to take that in.

And this work helps you to be able to deal with that, and be able to process it, to be able to move through it. And not to get stuck in it, to be able keep moving forward in your business. Becoming stronger as a coach, becoming stronger as a business person.

Yeah. And just also, before, I wasn't trained in somatics, and in our thought  work and kind of trauma work, and that whole area. And I have to say, in the past I didn't recognize it, or I just kept trying to work cognitively with these people.

And I see now, where that wasn't effective. And there's this other layer where the cognitive coaching is effective, to a certain point. But there is another layer that can help really round out the coaching. And, it's so valuable. It's incredible.

Victoria: What would you say to someone who is having some nervousness or some trepidation about joining the program? Perhaps someone who's like; I don't know, is it for me? Which then, of course, my brain goes to; well at work, like is this gonna do what I need it to do? You know, sort of all of that nervousness. What would you say to that person?

Margot: I would say that, you'll get out of it what you put into it. Victoria's coaching skills are amazing. So, what you bring to her to process through, you will move forward in any area that you want. Also, when I signed up for the program and decided to invest the money, I said to myself, “I'm gonna fucking make this work. I'm gonna do it.”

And I knew it was up to me, because I have done other programs that I didn't work as much as I could have. So, I just knew. I'm like; okay, this is an investment, an investment in myself. And I'm gonna go all in, and I'm just gonna make it work.

But it's really up to you. You've got to work through the program. You've got to put the time in. You can definitely make it manageable for yourself, but you need to put the time in and commit to yourself, and be willing to give yourself that space to do the inner work, to go inside to open up.

It's not always easy, you know. Because we're so used our old behavior patterns, or buffering or denying, or just self-criticizing, self-loathing. Learning to stop those things is not always comfortable. But when you do those things, and process through, it's amazing the growth. Yeah.

So, I would say, you know, it's up to you and your commitment to the program. But it's endless. It's such a profound program. There's so much for 24 weeks, there's so much there. There’s just so much value inside the program, it's amazing. And then, on top of it, you have Victoria’s coaching, which is so awesome.

Victoria: Thank you. I'm honored by your words. Anything else you want to make sure that the good people know about Anchored?

Margot: I’ve been coached. I've trained as a coach. And then, coached and went through many programs. Honestly, Victoria’s coaching is a whole new level. It is amazing. It will blow your mind. It blew my mind. And I'm saying that honestly and sincerely. And just for me, these were really profound shifts in who I am, and how I function, and how I see myself.

And when you're doing that work, it's not easy. And Victoria is also really gifted at it making you feel and believe that you can do it. And talking to you about cutting the negative self-talk, etc. She teaches you how, and gives you an example, and talks you through it.

So, it's incredibly powerful and life-changing work, really. It’s six months for a reason. It takes time to do that work. And just to be inside the group, where we have each other’s support also, is amazing. And to do the work with Victoria, it's just a chance of a lifetime. Honestly. It changed my life, for good.

And it continues to change my life, because it's work that you continue to do. Not like you do it, and it's done. It's something that you continue to do. But I have the tools, I have the know-how, I have the practices. So yeah, it was one of the best experiences of my life, I would say.

Victoria: Thank you. Thank you. I’m receiving those words, with such a full heart. It was just so amazing to watch your transformation, and it continues to be.

Margot: Yeah, it’s continuing.

Victoria: Yeah, sure. Thank goodness, right? What else do you want to make sure people know about Anchored?

Margot: One of the modules in the program that particularly moved me and shifted things for me, was the module on self-care. Because we all hear so much about self-care and self-love nowadays. And a lot of times, it's talked about as indulgences like manicures, pedicures, whatever it is. Or, just being, you know, doing activities that you love, which are all good things, are great things.

But Victoria took it a step further, a step deeper, and she actually called it like a feminist act; self-care as a feminist act. But it's because we are taking self-care to the point where when you're taking care of yourself, you are stopping all of the inner negative dialogues and judgments.

Paying attention to them but not letting them run. Learning how to, you know, pay attention to what you're saying to yourself, and how that affects how you feel about yourself, and learning to shift it.

And she gives you ways to do that, concrete ways, to change those and to shift the way that you think about yourself. And just being able to also say things like, “I'm not available for that. No.” Learning all of that type of stuff, looking at that as self-care. Because that does more for us than any manicure, pedicure, massage, or hike, could ever do.

When we start to practice these things on a daily basis, and really make some change for ourselves and positive change, it's the ultimate self-care, in my opinion. And when I read Victoria’s teachings about self-care, it just totally blew me away, because I've never heard it talked about like that before. So, it's just a whole other level of self-care that really moves the needle. Really makes you feel different, and really makes you feel better. I love that.

Victoria: I love that resonated for you. Yeah, boundaries are self-care. Right? I think it’s the following week where we talk about not needing self-care, right? Not like, needing it in that graspy way.

Margot: Like needing it and resenting it that we don't have it,  or we don't have time to make it into a whole issue for ourselves. Really feeling like we need it, we don't have it, something's missing. Yeah, instead of just wanting it. Wanting to do it for yourself, letting it be a part of your practices or whatever, but not feeling resentful about it.

Victoria: Right. And doing the thought work, and the somatics, and the breath work, so you don't need an escape from your life. Because the self-care things you name can so often be buffering against the thoughts and the feels we aren't processing. They can be really useful, conscious distraction, which we've talked about here on the show, right?

It's a really important nervous system tool to know, when our nervous system is done and says basta. I'm not available, as a nervous system, to feel this anymore right now. I've hit my limit, friend. So then, you go get a massage room, mani-pedi or whatever, but not using those things as a distraction. It's what I heard you speaking to.

Margot: Yeah, right. Like you just mentioned, as we do this work, we don't have the need for it as much anymore. You know, there's nothing wrong with those things. It's good to enjoy them, want them. But just feeling that this lack, or like I need to partake in all these things, like you said, it's buffering against what it is that we don't want to do.

Victoria: I think it's also disempowering. It takes our agency away, to believe that a circumstance, a situation, a manicure or massage, can change our lived experience more than we can.

Margot: For sure. Yeah, and that's again, looking outside of yourself to make yourself feel better. It’s another example.

Victoria: I need the glass of wine. I need girl’s night. I need this break. Versus, I can change the way I'm thinking. I can connect with myself somatically. I can process this through my nervous system. And then, yeah, I want what I want.

Because that's also interesting, we were talking about consent, but there's also this thing for humans socialized as women, particularly within codependent systems, where our wants are not valid in and of themselves.

Remember, we talked so much about over-explaining, over-justifying, right? And how challenging it is to say, “Babe, can you take out the garbage? I'm not working after five.” Instead, we say, “Well, you know, I had this thing that I really wanted to do after work today. I've been planning it for a long time. And, I really want to do it. So, maybe I could actually leave when you stop paying me, which is five o'clock.”

Which loops me all the way around back to where we started talking, which is that somatic presence and having your own back.

Margot:  And, you know, we're so well indoctrinated into that whole patriarchal system and everything, and the way we were raised in our family’s or whatever culture, that we don't recognize that and we just function that way. So, you know, diving into that whole self-care idea, and taking your power back, and taking your responsibility for yourself, that also and sort of putting it out there all the time.

Victoria: It's so empowering, so empowering. And in my lived experience, and what I've seen in Anchored, is that it's from that place where we've taken our agency back. The locus of control is firmly within us, and we're able to manage our minds and process our feelings and be with ourselves, in a real and true way.

From there, we are able to co-regulate our nervous systems with someone else, in a fully embodied way. We're able to ask for what we want and need from that ‘I've got me’ place. And I think we're much more loving members of our communities and of the collective. We're able to give from our overflow.

Margot: Exactly. When I'm thinking about this, so often it's on a very unconscious level, like you don't realize you're doing it. But you know, when you're used to habitually, you know, behaving that way, then yeah, it's very hard. I mean, you're always looking outside yourself.

And when you are able to take that power back inside, it shifts everything for you. And like you said, you're able to show up differently, and have a different relationship, because you're even relating differently to people. And, the whole energy changes.

Victoria: Yeah, sure. For sure. I hear you speaking to the power, yes, of individual healing, but within the context of being pack animals. Being members of communities and collectives, and coming back to the fact that we do need each other as humans, and that can feel safer.

Margot: Yeah, and, even in my travels this summer, during the program, when I was with my daughter and my grandkids. I could show up totally different with family. You know family can trigger so many things. With my brothers and sisters, with my daughter, with my grandchildren, I just move differently. And you feel and think and respond differently.

It just comes naturally, as you're, you know, shifting through this and growing. For me, it was a lot more clarity. And I was able to see things better, and to be in relationship with people where it was a more equal exchange. And I was, you know, being able to stay within my own space, and being totally there with them, at the same time, and totally sharing. That was great to experience.

Victoria: I bet. Yeah, that increased capacity in our nervous systems to be vulnerable, and to not have our bodies respond to it as a life threat.

Margot: Exactly. And I know myself, in the past, when I've been triggered like that, I'm saying things that are just coming out. Not really thought through in reaction, your reaction. You're reacting from an old part of yourself. And so, to not experiencing that in the moment, it's just amazing.

Victoria: It's huge. It's huge. And it lets us, from there, be of service. Which I think is the vital part of this work. Is moving from a life based on obligation and ‘has to’ and I have to perform my identity this way to be lovable. Which blocks us from truly being of service, because we're doing it because we think we have to or it'll look right.

And instead, part of the healing is learning to be of service, and then learning to be of service from that full, open heart.

Margot: Right. Yeah, yeah. Being able to drop the resentment and anger, too. It’s a choice and it's an abundance that it comes from, not a lack.

Victoria: Ah, oh, I love that. Yeah. Giving from abundance. Yeah. Yeah, thank you for giving us your beautiful self in Anchored. And now, in your work as a coach and in all your relationships, from that profound sense of abundance.

Margot: I can't thank you enough for creating this program. This masterpiece you've created, it's just amazing. And being able to be a part of it, like I said, life changing; forever thankful.

Victoria: So, Margot, I know everyone listening to this is going to want to follow you, is going to want to learn more about and from you, and the amazing coaching work you do. Where can the good people find you?

Margot: I have my website, which is And you can go there to get my freebie, which is a free meditation. On Instagram @margothanleycoaching, you can find me there. And, on Facebook.

Victoria: Wonderful. Yay. Magnificent. Well, Margot, I want to really thank you for being here with us today. Thank you for joining me on the journey that we took together through Anchored. Thank you for being such a vibrant part of the Anchored familia. And thank you for being you.

Margot: Thank you, Victoria. Thank you for everything.

Victoria: Thanks for listening, my love. I truly hope that Margot’s story is as inspiring for you as it is for me. It is such an honor and a privilege to work with each and every member of the Anchored community. And it's so lovely to be able to share these stories with you.

If you're liking what you're hearing… If you find yourself applying the lessons you're learning in the show… If you want what Margot shares about her own transformation. If you're like, “I want that. I want to live differently. Relate differently. Be a different kind of coach,” then the time is now.

The next Anchored group starts up soon, and there are some spots available. So, if you have been thinking about joining Anchored, now is the time. We're heading into the winter, it's the cozy season. What a beautiful time to build new friendships with folks who get where you're coming from. Who understand where you've been. And are doing this deep work to shift their own thought patterns, the somatic or bodily resonance in their human forms.

To be with people who get it, and who are dedicated to changing their experience. Along with a beautiful community, you'll get six months of coaching with me. Not just every week on our live calls, but every single day in the Slack community. We are not on Facebook; we are on Slack, in a private channel.

It's just a beautiful way to expand your capacity to live as your authentic self. And, I don't want you to miss out on this opportunity. So, take a moment, head on over to Read more about the program and if it resonates, take a moment to apply. You can get on a call; we can talk all about the program. It'll be so lovely. I look forward to having you join us in Anchored.

So, my love, let's do what we do. Gentle hand on your heart, should you feel so moved. And remember, you are safe. You are held. You are loved. And when one of us heals, we help heal the world. Be well, my beauty. I'll talk to you soon.

If you've been enjoying the show and learning a ton, it's time to apply it with my expert guidance, so you can live life with intention, without the anxiety, overwhelm and resentment, so you can get unstuck. You're not going to want to miss the opportunity to join my exclusive, intimate group coaching program. So, head on over to to grab your seat now. See you there; it's gonna be a good one!

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