Failure for the Sake of It: How to Fail on Purpose
Failure is a glorious thing. It is amazing to fail on purpose, to take note of your failures. So you can revel in them because they mean that you put yourself out there. That’s a vital part of growth, of going for your goals in life, of showing yourself evermore love. Revel in putting yourself out there and going all in for your goals and dreams, and loving yourself wildly, with radical and unwavering compassion. This, my love, is how we heal. One perfect failure at a time.
All of this is a deep practice of self-care and action. To praise your failures and recognize them as a vital part of growth. How delightful?
One of the things I see the folks in my life coaching practice do again and again and is something I have done again and again is to let fear keep them from even showing up, from even trying something new. So life stays the same as always. Same self-doubt, same resentments, same low self- confidence, same chronic annoyed-ness.
Same irritability, same anger, same belly ache, same fatigue, same anxiety. All for not showing up to ask, how can I do this life thing differently?
Now, per my own definition of failure meaning setting an expectation, not meeting it, well, I suppose in some way, not showing up for yourself is not a failure because you haven’t set an expectation for yourself.
You’re just giving up before you’ve even started. But it hits that same tenderness, that same tenderness around fearing your own self- recrimination, for not meeting a goal. That same fear that you’ll be mad at or mean to yourself for not getting it right, for not doing all the things perfectly. For investing time, energy, money, hope in something and having it not turn out how you dreamed.
So you don’t even start. You don’t apply. You don’t make that online dating app profile, you don’t ask, how can I do this thing? How can I heal? How can I live life differently? How can I respond to my parent, my ex, my kiddo in a different way today? How can I talk to me differently? How can I live a life that is so rich with self-care, self-love, and healing?
You just keep keeping on. For sure, that’s safer – I’m putting that in air quotes – in the short run, totally. Much less frightening on that mammalian level because remember, brains do not like change. First from our evolutionary reasons, but gosh, is that really how you want to live?
Now I will invite you to ask yourself with love, gentleness, kindness, if the life you want to live is one in which you see failure as a terrible thing?
Where you fear it because failing could mean something bad about yourself, and you may beat yourself up for that, a life where you don’t start or try or take on something new, something beyond your known means because you’re afraid you’ll be mean to yourself, if you don’t do whatever it is perfectly, if you fail, and so you don’t challenge yourself to grow, if you don’t challenge yourself to commit to yourself, to push beyond your current limits, sure, you can’t fail. But what’s the tradeoff?
If you don’t attempt to walk, if you’ve only ever toddled. To lift that weight at the gym, to go on more dates, to build your business, to take that risk, what’s the tradeoff? A life in which I’m not risking failure is not the life I want for myself, or for you, my beauty, which is why I do this work that I do.
I am a life coach because I want you to live your best life possible. And because I challenged myself to step out of the comfort of my old title, my old roles, and to grow and fail and fail and grow. I know that the best way to do that is to learn to be your own watcher, to learn to look at your own mind, your own beliefs, your own stories about what you make things mean about yourself, your life, capacity, your everything.
Part of setting yourself up to be a champion of failure like myself is to promise yourself that gentleness is always available. When we’re scared to fail, it’s often because we fear that we’ll be mean to ourselves about it, right? I know this sounds so simplistic, but I just want to invite you not to be.
To decide to risk failure on purpose. Having promised yourself that you’ll be kind and gentle with yourself when you do. This is probably not your habit, right? Your brain goes right to, ugh.
But what you get to do is to make that promise. I will no longer get mad at myself for trying and failing.
I will just learn what I can, make a little note about it in my notebook and move on to the next opportunity to fail today.
When I can’t lift what I’d like to lift at the gym, I no longer – because I used to – I no longer berate myself for it. I recognize my own current limits and then add like, two pounds or whatever the next day and work on getting comfortable with that level of growth before I make the next jump.
I felt scared to make this podcast and to put myself out there and to be vulnerable, to put my thoughts, my work into the world, but I chose and continue to choose to risk it because it matters to me that you get this information, so you can change your life if you’re into that kind of thing.
For so much of my life, I let my old perfectionist habit thoughts rule. I labeled failure a bad thing, feared it ahead of time, and allowed that fear to keep me from taking a risk, from having an expectation of myself. Until I got comfortable with all of that risk and all of that chance and likelihood of failure.
Until I had shown myself that I wouldn’t beat myself up if this show is a failure. There was no Feminist Wellness. Then I practiced failing and letting my old stories about it go. I shifted the narrative about myself and my capacity to tolerate discomfort.
I get a lot of joy. I mean, this is the most extroverted Leo thing I could possibly say, but I get so much joy from interacting with you all, so thank you.
You’re here to learn about fear and failure.
So judging from what I’ve heard from you all who listen each week, this podcast has been really helpful in your lives, so I’m glad that I did it. I’m glad that I took the leap and risked failing in this big, visible, public way.
Did I know how to make a podcast before I started? Nope. Did I choose the wrong mic and then have to return it and find out about the new one? Were there 1000 hurdles? Did I choose to sit around feeling confused and overwhelmed about it? Yeah, I did that. I did that for years.
I don’t know how to make a podcast, it sounds so complicated, what if people hate it? What will I call it? What will the intro say? My brain, so scared to fail. And then at some point, a year and a half ago or so, I got tired of all those old stories, of not trusting myself, to not mistreat me for trying.
I decided to make a promise to myself. Whatever came from this show, I would be loving and kind to myself for having tried it. I would applaud me, success or failure, whatever, for having tried. So I took the leap and I know there’s a lot of privilege in there for sure, which is definitely a topic for another show, but I took the leap.
I learned about podcasting. I read books and took courses and did all sorts. I decided I wanted to do it, but I have so much to share and always so much to learn. Yay for learning, says this nerd. And I went for it. I went for a big, massive public failure because, why not?
If it failed, there would be so much to learn, so much acceptance to invite in, so many ways to comfort and love myself up.
So many lessons. If you don’t try, how will you know if you can possibly meet your own wildest expectations for yourself?
It’s just so worth trying, my love.
The only failure is not risking failure.
Fail, fail again, fail better. I have failed thousands of times. I will continue to.
I’ve failed at school and careers and relationships. I’ve failed in a million different ways. And I used to beat myself up for it so much. And I now decline to do so because I don’t need to be another perpetrator in my life. As a survivor, as a recovering perfectionist, I want to say it proudly. I welcome in failure because I don’t fear it in the same way anymore.
I don’t fear my own reprisal for having tried, and my darling, that is so amazingly healing. I can be my own ally and my own accomplice. I can and do have my own back. I have my own back. I want to say it a third time. I have my own back.
I will not be another perpetrator in my own life. And I want so much for you to have yours. That is true self-care, true self-love and action. Having your own back always. You being your own best friend, your own cheerleader, the one who says, “Way to fail, babe. Way to put yourself out there for your dreams. So beautiful that you tried and failed. Let’s learn from it.”
Versus sitting in that old cozy oppressor, bully, mean girl chair with yourself, beating yourself up for trying and failing. Think, feel, act. Take courageous action, my love. You are so worth it.
Don’t let that old fear of failing keep you from giving your life your most courageous go.
What’s the worst thing that can happen? Failure? No. Failure just means you tried and that’s a magnificent thing. I’m already so proud of you.
Collective healing is the key to our collective liberation, so share in the joy of your failure.
Thank you for taking the time to read Feminist Wellness. I’m excited to be here and to help you take back your health!
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