Your Future Self

The concept of the future self is the version of yourself that is yet to be. We all talk about our future self all the time, but in this unintentional way. “Next week, I’m going to… In a month, when we go on vacation… When I graduate my PhD, I will… Someday, when they change, I’ll finally be happy.”

And what I want to encourage you to do is to get intentional about it. 

We get to decide to think about and dream up our future self, as an active practice towards creating the life we want.

This is particularly important for us, from our codependent, perfectionist, and people pleasing habits. Because, part and parcel of these habits, is to focus on everyone else in the world instead of ourselves. We live from external authority. Doing what he thinks is best, what she would like, what makes them happy, instead of living from our own internal authority, based in our authenticity.

We can use the concept of our future self as a way to connect in with our most authentic self, and to take the steps to step into being that version of us, that’s our very most favorite one. 

Our subconscious mind has created thought habits, beliefs, stories about ourselves, based on what we learned in childhood and from the world. And we believe these stories because we have neural grooves in our mind. In our minds, the stories that we have heard and thought over and over and over again become neural grooves; the thoughts our brains automatically go to, without our even thinking about it. Which is why thought work is so incredibly important. 

A key part of thinking new things about ourselves is to start to imagine what we want to believe about who we are, how we are; to get meta and think about our thinking.

There are three biological imperatives for human mammals. From those biological imperatives, those mammalian drives within us, making change is challenging, right? Because the body says conserve energy at all costs. And so, in order to be able to meet that drive within us, that says; don’t change. Living in this way that’s been painful, harmful, sad, frustrating, etc. 

What’s really needed, what’s vital here, is to learn how to pause and to hold space somatically for that change. 

Not just in our minds, but in our bodies. And to be able to build the skill, because it really is a practice and a skill of holding space for discomfort. Not just pushing it aside, not just moving on to the next thought work, or the next distraction, the next buffer. But rather, really learning to sit in the discomfort of the potential discordance between who we’ve been, who we are, and who we want to be.

Somatic, or body-based practices, broaden our capacity within our nervous system. I like to call it the window of capacity.

These practices expand our window of capacity, and allow us to slow down and to not get reactive. To stay in ventral vagal and then not go to sympathetic or dorsal, so we can be with our future self. And we can really hold space to create this new concept of ourselves, by resourcing our nervous system in that moment. We do that by connecting in somatically, because when our bodies are on board, then we don’t need to rely on willpower.

Let’s get real, willpower is some weak sauce compared with embodied somatic alignment. 

Because when you can feel in your body, this new sense of self, you’re ready to become it. Likewise, willpower doesn’t hold a candle to learning to manage our minds around who we want to be in the future.

So, we start with getting clear about our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, now. Locate the resonance of those feelings in our body. Check in with our nervous system. And from there, we can decide if we want to keep or change our habitual thoughts, stories, and reactions. Which are skills that, thought work paired with somatics, give us. Thought work also teaches us how to create a new reality. Because a key part of the process is aligning our nervous system and our thoughts, so we can take action to become the “us” we most want to be.

For example, if you’re working to overcome people pleasing, you start by envisioning a future version of you, that is very different from the you you’ve been showing up from. 

And in so doing, you’re intentionally creating the new version of you with stronger, more loving and flexible boundaries. Because remember, boundaries aren’t brick walls, they’re flexible. That’s the beauty of them.

We do this, this visualization work, because the evidence shows that visualization changes our brain chemistry, which is just stunning. There are functional MRI studies that back this up. We really feel into and visualize that new version of us, so that when your habitual thinking, from your reptile brain says, “Just say yes, that’s the path of least resistance. They’ll like you so much better if you just abandon yourself again; that’s what they’re used to,” you notice it.

You feel what that feels like in your nervous system. You honor that, you breathe into that, you regulate your nervous system around that. And you then come back to your nervous system resources within yourself, to support change.

We connect in with our nervous system resources so we can bring more flexibility into our nervous system. So, we can ground ourselves and can stay in presence when life gets life-y. By grounding ourselves in who we want to be, how we want to show up, and staying dedicated to that, we stay in presence.

When we are present in our lives, not checked out, not freaked out, but present, we are most in our power, and can reconnect with our agency to make the next right choice towards the future we most desire.

And it’s vital to understand with love that of course our primitive brains want us to do what they’ve always done, right? Even when that thing has always sucked for us. 

So, as we walk through the remedies, the how-to, and as you start to bring this practice into your daily life, I want to remind you to connect in with our three C’s: compassion, curiosity, and care. So, you can show up for yourself with so much love along the way.

When we access our true desires for the future, which I know I can already hear you saying, “True desires for the future? I have no idea what I want to watch for TV. I have no idea what I want to wear today. I’m an indecision machine.” I hear you. I see you. 

It is super common, from our codependent thinking, because we’ve always had that external focus to not know what we want.

And that’s why this practice is so super incredible and life changing for us. Because it’s an opportunity to sit down and really ask ourselves who I want to be. And in that process, we build a self-image that allows us to live into it. To choose our own adventure.

What’s beautiful about this, is that it reminds us that the circumstances in life don’t have to create certain thoughts and feelings within us. 

We do get to choose how we want to interact with, respond to, react to the circumstances of life.

You really do get to play a huge role in deciding how you’re going to think, feel, and act about your own lived experience. So, how do you do it? 

To start, I like to think about the future self in three time frames. 

Because when we just start to think broadly about “the rest of my life,” it can be a little overwhelming to the nervous system, in the mind. The inner children may say, “Whoa, that’s too much.” So, I pause. 

I think about short-term:

• Who will my future self be, at the end of the day? 
• At the end of the week? 
• End of the month? 

Medium term: 

• End of the year? 
• Next three to five years? 

Long term: 

• 10 years from now? 
• And up until the end of your life?

The thing to do is to ask yourself:

• How do I want to think? To feel? To be? 
• What actions do I want to take? 
• What goals do I want to set for my life? 
• For this month? 
• For today? 
• For the next 550 years? 

And, of course, you’ll have a different set of goals for each timeframe.

You can ask yourself what you need to believe about yourself, your capacity, your ability, your possibility, in order to move towards that goal? 

So, for today, you might want to let your partner have one feeling, without stepping into fix it. For this week, you might want to notice one time when you felt the urge to people please and didn’t. For the next year, you might want to focus on being a person who notices the ways you show up from codependent thinking. And, to practice being a person who lives from interdependence, in all your relationships.

Notice I used the word “practice,” right? I’m not saying you’re going to have it done and dusted in a year, but we are noticing, we are practicing, we are shifting, and we are really connected with the future self who does that. Who doesn’t mean to or want to, but who does it.

In the next year, you might envision yourself as a coach who has launched their business. 

In the next three to five years, you could envision your future self as someone who’s partnered in a healthy way, or who has a successful business, by your own standards, or whatever that means to you. 

In the next 10 years, you could picture a future self who is in a mutually supportive, reciprocal relationship. A you who has done and is doing the work to show up from your authenticity, and from deep self-love.

Then, the next step is to write out what the heck that means. So, what does it mean to be in your authenticity? 

Get really detailed. What does it mean to show up with deep self-love, self-trust, self-care? Write it out. The more detail you can get, the more you can feel into it.

From there, I like to visualize my future self, and to decide who she is, on purpose. 

I like to spend five minutes in the morning, and for my folks with perfectionist leaning thought habits, set a timer, right? Because we build self-trust, when we set a timer.

Who will I be today? How will I show up today? Who is the ‘me’ that I’m living into and embracing today? As well as, the medium and long-term.

And when I do that, it’s not just thinking and writing. I do recommend pen to paper, if that’s within your physical capacity; it’s a beautiful thing to do. Another thing that often works, for my brain and my ADHD-ness, is to do voice notes. I’ll record myself talking it out, and I’ll use one of those transcribing apps that can be really beautiful.

And, I’d like to bring my nervous system in through my senses. 

• So, what does your future self eat? And, how delicious is it? 
• How does she eat? 
• Does she eat with peace and calm in her heart, which I think is the most important part of any nutrition plan? 
• What are the scents in her life that she’s brought in? 
• Is she a lavender lover? 
• Is she more into juniper, pine, and cedar? 
• What does she do on the daily? 
• What’s her morning routine like? 
• Does she give herself breaks throughout the day? 
• Does she let herself rest? 
• What’s her evening like? 
• What does she wear? 
• What are the clothes feel like on her body? 
• What do they look like?
• What does she think? 
• How does she relate to others? 
• What are her boundaries like? 
• What does she say when someone invites you to people please them? 
• How do you show up in conflict, or with people, or in situations that have been challenging for you historically? 

What this boils down to is:

• What is working now that you want to be the same and perhaps to do more of? 
• What is not working now and hasn’t worked historically, that you want to do differently? 
• How do you want to show up differently? 
• Does future you worry less? Try to fix others less? Ask others to rescue you less? Self-abandon less? 

Is your future self able to regulate her nervous system? 

Is your future self someone who stands strong in her integrity? Really write it out. Really visualize that “you.” 

Next, how do you want to feel in these three time frames? How do you want to feel about accomplishing your goals? And we do this, of course, without bs’ing ourselves, right? We don’t do ‘positive vibes only’ with ourselves, with goals. 

We don’t say, “My future self will be 100% happy all the time,” because, come on now, we don’t do that.

Instead, we might say, “I am able to be present to all my emotions. I’m able to meet them somatically, through my body. I’m able to manage my mind regardless of what comes my way. I am able to regulate my nervous system 80% of the time, and the other 20% of the time, when I do get dysregulated, I give myself so much love, and grace, and care.”

You can also decide, “I’m not available for emotions that don’t serve me to stay in,” and hear me clearly, to stay in. So, when I feel one of those emotions, I will start with accepting them, honoring them, loving them up. And instead of holding on to them in a way that hurts me, I will process them through my body to release them. But my future self, no longer spins in emotions that don’t serve me like; self-doubt, self-criticism, beating up my past self, judging myself, or others.

And you can decide ahead of time what you’ll do when your most common challenging feelings arise. For example, “When I feel disappointment, I will ask myself; what expectations and judgments am I bringing to this interaction that are creating disappointment for me?” Isn’t that lovely?

So, go through the top emotions that you feel in any day, week, month, year and do this work. 

Decide ahead of time what you’re going to do when they arise. And my love, I see you. Please don’t let this be another perfectionist thought-fantasy, my darling, tender, sweet, little buttercup.

From our codependent thinking, we want to control everyone and everything because we think that will help us to feel safer. And so, we have the habit of focusing on others in this very perfectionist way, instead of creating our own lives. And, we can get wicked perfectionist in our own lives, too.

Instead of deciding, “In five years, my partner will have worked through all of their codependent habits. In 10 years, my kids will show me respect, always.” Instead, focus on you. 

How will you show up to meet yourself and your partner? How will you show up to meet your kids? Your parents? Your friends? Your co-workers? Your boss? 

Regardless of how they show up, how will you meet yourself, not from perfectionism, but from giving yourself grace and being compassionate, curious, and caring?

I’ve done and do this work all the time. In little ways, for the hyper short- term, and for the medium and long-term, too. So, for example, if there’s a task on my to-do list that my brain wants to avoid, I’ll think of the “me” in five or ten minutes, the “me” at the end of the day, that will be so stoked to cross that task off of the old task list. I think of the “me” that is committed to meeting my goals. And that gives me the impetus to get to it, and to do the thing now, for the benefit of future “me.”

I also love to do this work when I have a decision to make. When my current brain is bouncing back and forth. You know, the pro-con list is in full effect, do I stay or do I go now, right? Do I do the thing or not do the thing? 

Instead of torturing myself that way, I will picture my future self and I’ll get really in contact with her through some meditation, and I’ll ask her what she wants me to do, and how she wants me to show up.

I’ll also ask my body, because I believe and trust my body now, in a powerful way. 

When I make decisions from my future self, I know my intuition is guiding me. 

And I can’t possibly go wrong. Which is pretty friggin’ rad, when I think back to how much analysis paralysis and indecision I used to roll around in. Because my future self never tells me to worry, to stress out, to spin indecision, or to ruminate.

It’s a purely coregulatory, ventral vagal relationship. Because the thing to know, is that we can coregulate with our future selves. How cool is that? I do it all the time. And it’s also so calming and supportive to connect in with that version of me, to ask her for advice. Because I know she always has our best interest at heart.

I found my future self gives really great guidance; she really helps me to put my focus exactly where it needs to be, to move my life forward towards stepping into being her. And that keeps me focused and directed towards that growth.

I want to say this, doing this work is not frivolous or a luxury, it is 100% worth the time; this work is vital. When we prioritize our inner work, we show up to create the lives we want, by stating it in ‘I am’ statements. As my future self, I am more loving, less grumpy, less irritable. I am less resentful. I am more generous, emotionally. I am a being that is embodied. I am standing in my integrity.

When we do that, when we live into that, it ripples out into the world. 

When we are living lives we love, and don’t have to escape from through buffers or retelling lousy stories about ourselves, we are ever more able to give from our overflow. 

To be kinder. To give more. To be the loving shoulder someone cries on. Because we are showing up from ‘I want to’ energy, not obligation energy, which is that energy that says, “I have to do this, to prove my love, so that they will know I am worthy.”

Because your future self knows, trusts, and believes that you are wildly worthy of all the love, all the good things. And it makes all the difference in our lives, and thus the world. Because when our cups are full, we’re able to volunteer, to donate, to show up for the communities and causes that matter to us. And, we are able to be agents of massive change when we step into this loving relationship with our past, present, and future selves.