I’m back this week with another tale of magnificent transformation from a member of the Anchored community. Monica Schrock was in the very first cohort of Anchored, and they’ve been in the alumni program for the last year and a half. They’re a freelance marketer, copywriter, and basketball superstar, and they’re going to inspire you to see what’s possible for your life.
Codependent, perfectionist, and people-pleasing thought habits all thrive in the veil of inauthenticity. We cannot possibly show up as the fullest expression of ourselves while also continuing on in those habits because they demand we be someone we aren’t for everyone else. Monica’s return to authenticity to claim the multiple identities that are a beautiful representation of all they are has been such a delight to bear witness to, and I can’t wait for you to hear about it.
Join us this week as Monica lets you in on their favorite takeaways from being inside the Anchored community and alumni program. They’re sharing what helped them most in creating profound shifts in their life, and the deep wounds and patterns they’ve healed to find so much freedom in who they truly are in this world.
This is Feminist Wellness, and I’m your host, Nurse Practitioner, Functional Medicine Expert, and life coach, Victoria Albina. I’ll show you how to get unstuck, drop the anxiety, perfectionism, and codependency so you can live from your beautiful heart. Welcome my love, let’s get started.
Victoria Albina: Hello, hello, my love. I hope this finds you doing so well. This week I am bringing you another tale of magnificent transformation from a member of the Anchored community. Monica Schrock is a phenomenal copywriter, a glorious, amazing human, a basketball superstar, and has been such a delight to work with in Anchored. To see their transformation has been mind-blowing, heart opening; just such a gift.
Every single day I'm just blown away by the amazing humans I get to work with in Anchored and I'm so grateful. It is from that gratitude that I share this conversation, that Mon and I recently had, about their experience in Anchored, and everything they've been able to accomplish. From this profound new self-love and self-trust that they've stepped into, through this process; through somatics, thought work, breathwork, and the amazing Anchored community.
I share this because I remember, back in the day, when I was so mired in my own codependent, perfectionist, and people pleasing habits. When I was so detached from myself; I didn't have models. I didn't have role models of people who had overcome these habits, and who could testify from the other side just how amazing life can be when we step into our embodiment, and our power.
Monica is an example of exactly that. So, I share this in the hopes of inspiring you to really think about how beautiful your life can be. Which is not to say your life isn't beautiful, like come on, but just to really inspire you to see what is possible. Monica is an example of that. So, I hope you enjoy this conversation, and I will let them take it away.
Hello, Monica. Welcome to the show.
Monica Schrock: Hello, so stoked to be here.
Victoria: Thank you. Thank you for being here. So, I'd love to invite you to introduce yourself. To tell the people who you are and what you do, and your pronouns, of course.
Monica: Yes, yes. Hello, everyone. I'm Monica. I'm a freelance marketer; it’s what I do. I do copywriting and marketing, and I love basketball, and my pronouns are they/them or she/her. I live on unceded Cowlitz land in Vancouver, Washington, calling in from. I'm just really excited to be here and to talk to one of my favorite people.
Victoria: Aww, the feeling’s so mutual. So, you were in the original, the very first group of Anchored.
Monica: Oh, yeah. The debut group of the latest iteration. I forgot about that.
Victoria: I know, right? It's like 1,000 years ago. Really.
Monica: Yeah. Was it only two though?
Victoria: Um, yeah. Yeah. Wow.
Monica: Which does feel like 1,000 years…
Victoria: It does feel like 1,000 years ago, because it's like pandemic years. So, those were like dog years, so you multiply by seven.
Monica: Exactly. Yes, it was at least fourteen.
Victoria: But it was 2020, was when all of my programs and years of teaching came together in this latest iteration, which is Anchored. So…
Monica: May 2020. Much needed, for sure.
Victoria: Oh, yeah. For sure. So, tell me why did you decide to join Anchored? What made you interested in the program?
Monica: Well, I was introduced to you, funnily enough by I think, two people that I knew. And I just had watched a few of your Instagram things and checked you out. I think one of my old colleagues, y'all were in a breath work… What? Maybe like, I don't know, breathwork group or something, together.
She had told me so much about you, and I was just like, “Oh, wow, this sounds like something that I'd be interested in.” Especially for the anxiety portion of it, which is what brought me in. I was like, “I know I have anxiety, and this looks helpful.”
Then, we started working together a little bit and I was able to learn even more about what you do. More and more, I read about the program and what you were developing, I was like, “Uh-oh.” There was a moment where I was like, “Oh, I'm not a codependent person. I don't…” and then I read one of your explanations of the codependent parent dynamic, and how that impacts the child. And I was like, “Oh, that's me. Okay, here we are.”
And so, when you had talked to me about it, I was like, “Okay; anxiety, codependency, people pleasing, perfectionism. Sure. Yeah. Sounds great. I'd rather not… I'd rather not any of those. So, let’s do it.”
Victoria: When given the option, I'd rather not any of those.
Monica: I’d rather not. Yeah. The mix of your vibe, your qualifications, the way you move through the world, plus the way I've been moving… I had been moving through the world, and my lived experience, all contributed to me joining the group program.
Victoria: Right on. And so, what were your favorite takeaways from being in Anchored?
Monica: Oh man, there's a few phrases that I… You even said it to me again on a coaching call yesterday. I even forget the phrases sometimes. But there are a few phrases I even say to myself still, that I remember from Anchored. From when we were going through the program, not from the alumni portion of it.
One is; what if that wasn't a problem? Which I say to myself all the time. In certain situations, it leaves my mind and I'm like, “Well, this is a problem.” And then, I can come back to the call and you're like, “But it's not.” Which is really helpful.
And another one, that really gut punched me when you said it, in a good way was, you can't achieve your way to loving yourself. Which I'm getting there with it. It's a hard conditioning to deprogram after chasing that for a long time. But that was something that was a huge takeaway. I was like, “All of this, for other people, isn't going to help me love myself.” So, that was that was a huge one, too.
I think another one is, that I told myself all the time… And all these little gems are the big things, like takeaways, that helped me get through moments is, you can't control other people's thoughts, but you do not have to be available for them. It was the huge one for me.
I'm like, “Okay, I don't have to be available for that. Whatever story that person's writing about me, in their own mind, is not mine.” Which was a huge one for me. And worrying what people think about me in certain situations.
In certain situations, they don't care. But certain people, what they think about me, and just being like… The important people in your life. Where you're just like, “But I still can't control their thoughts, even though they're really close to me, and really important to me.” Which was a big takeaway, because they have the most impact, usually on me.
Victoria: Yeah, that makes mammalian sense, though, right?
Monica: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Lizard brain sense.
Victoria: I remember when that clicked for me. That, “Oh, like as a mammal, of course, I want the people in my pack to care about me; to love me, to protect and defend me when the marauders come,” right? That makes… Freaking science. I need them. I literally need them. And my nervous system needs them to coregulate with. They can have their own storyline, and that can be okay.
Monica: That can be okay. And I can have my own, and that can be okay, was like the main thing for me.
Victoria: Yeah, for sure. For sure. It's that line between, I can care about what they think, without taking it on and making it my problem?
Monica: Yes, yes. And all those things… I think the biggest takeaways from Anchored honestly, and this went farther into being in the alumni program for the last year and a half, I think the biggest takeaways have been really just breaking away from that. Being able to have my own storyline, and think about my own identity and my own experiences.
Which I was constantly just minimizing, constantly. And not talking about, because of dynamics with parents and stuff like that. So yeah. I think the biggest takeaway for me is, I can be clear that I'm non-binary, and I'm bisexual. And another big thing was, seeking help for mental health stuff that I wasn't able to see before. So, those are like, I think the hugest takeaways from the program. Which are pretty big.
Victoria: Yeah, sure. Codependent thinking, perfectionism, people pleasing, they all thrive in this veil of inauthenticity. Because you cannot possibly be the fullest expression of yourself, and continue on in those habits. They cannot work. They are mutually exclusive, because they demand that we be someone else for everyone else. So, I love what you're saying about a return to authenticity and thus, being able to claim these multiple, beautiful identities that are a representation of all that is Monica.
Monica: Yeah, that's so true. And you know, what's funny? It’s when I shared with people closest to me, they were like, “Yeah. Duh.” I’m like, “Cool. I appreciate that.” They're so happy for you though, but… Totally.
Victoria: But also, “Duh.”
Monica: I love that. I love that.
Victoria: We create these whole stories of… Because we catastrophize, we globalize, we go to black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking. And we create…
Monica: That binary thinking.
Victoria: Totally. Yeah. So, what are the things that helped you to step out of those kinds of habits, and step into this authentic version of you? That's so dope, by the way.
Monica: It feels so good. It really does.
Victoria: You’re even shiny.
Monica: … even just expressing it. Yeah. So much… So shiny. Even just expressing it outwardly, and feeling safe to do that. Because I think for me, I'm like, “I’m thirty-five, and I just found out these things, really.” Authentically, I knew, but I'm just being able to express it outwardly, a lot more. I'm just like, “Oh, I just want to talk about it.” Because no one… It's so empowering.
I saw people in my life who were able to step into being more authentic, and that helped me. Then, having the space, to not people please and be perfect for other people, in Anchored, really helped with that. It's definitely an intersection.
I did an identity workshop for a board that I'm on, for a nonprofit. That was… And when they were like, “Write down your identities. Are you cisgender? Are you…?” I started writing, and I was like, “Um… What?” Because I’d never written it down before.
I’d never written down my identities, which is like… And in that moment, I was like, “Oh, my gosh.” That was smack-dab in the middle of being in Anchored, so it was a very intersectional experience, how that happened, for sure.
But I think it was also, I don't know… The pandemic has been, definitely eye-opening in that sense, where I was just… I don’t know, it made a lot of people stop and think about their stuff. I think it is the most simple way of like saying it.
Even though I didn't get to stop professionally, I was very busy, which I'm both fortunate for, but also, it was tiring. I still had this kind of moment at the end of 2020, where I was like, “What is happening with me? And I need to take a moment and think about it.” Because of all the tools that you’d given us in Anchored, it was a lot easier for me to work through it, I think.
Victoria: So, can you tell us about those tools?
Monica: Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, the thought work protocol, it's very helpful. Very helpful because I am a very internal processor, as you might have gathered. It takes me a while sometimes, to come along somewhere and talk about something.
So, having that tool to be able to do that, before I come on the call, or I decide to talk to someone in my life about it, or I don't even have to because I do it, and then, I'm like, “Okay,” it's really, really helpful. Especially with patterns that I've done my whole life, because they're just the patterns. Or, people I've let into my life, my whole life, because it's the pattern, you know?
Then, being like, “Oh, wait a minute. I've seen this before; from myself or someone else. This usually doesn't work out well.” So, that's the huge one. And then… You know what's funny? The somatic practices that you've given us for tools, too was something I wasn't catching on to in the beginning. Because, not that they weren't great, because they were great. I was like, “I know this should be working,” but I just couldn't feel my body at all.
And so that was like, a combination of some other mental health stuff that now I can like, feel my body and feel the feelings in my body. So those tools you gave us are like, really helping me now. And it's really jarring at times. Not the tools, but just the feelings. Oh, I was like, “The feelings are very jarring.”
So, the somatic practices are really helpful in those moments where it's like, you know, feel the ground, like, you know, what sounds do you hear? Like, what are you feeling? What are you hearing? What are you, you know, all the senses, so I can like, kind of just get back to, “Okay, I'm okay. I'm here. Okay,” that was really helpful.
Victoria: Yeah. Right on. Yeah. Orienting is one of my favorite nervous system exercises. It's so simple. And I find, you know, particularly with somatics, the more simple it is, for me, the more effective… My nervous system wants these things to be incredibly simple.
And when we remember the science, that in an activation, whether we're going into sympathetic or dorsal, your nervous system, your mind, your body, forgets who, when, and where you are. Because it's going into an old story, right?
And so, orienting, looking around what you're describing, naming what you can perceive with your senses, what you can feel, just reminds your body like, “Okay. I am me. I am zero. We're good.”
Monica: Yeah, yeah. And the breath work, that reminds me of the breath work. I forget to breathe all the time. Like, sometimes I'm like, “Oh my gosh, Monica, breathe. Why are you holding your breath, right now?” So not helpful. So, the breath work like sessions have just really helps, you know, remind me in like just everyday life like, “You need to breathe.” Like, I even have a Post-it® on my on my monitor that's like, just says: Breathe.
Victoria: Oh, I love that. Oh yeah, we need these simple reminders, right?
Monica: Yeah, yeah. Water and breathing, you know.
Victoria: Water and breathing, yeah. We're just taller toddlers, right? We really are taller toddlers. Yeah. So, I know you loved being in the Anchored community, in the familia. I know that you've kept these close connections with people from your cohort. Tell us about the experience of being in that group. Because people get nervous, which makes sense. And they say like, “I don't know these people. Am I going to share this vulnerable stuff with them? Will they be kind?
Monica: Oh, yeah. Oh my god.
Victoria: I know you’re introverted identified too. So…
Monica: That's true. That is true. You know, the group doesn't feel like, it doesn't have an extroverted energy. It really doesn't. Like, I definitely don't get drained from having interactions with folks. And it being on Slack, you know, really helps. Because you really get to decide how much interacting you're doing regularly. Like, you know, the coaching calls, like you're there, but it's mostly still chat, because it's like, you know, it's webinar style. So, we're not just in like, a bunch of squares talking about vulnerable things.
Victoria: Like, that would be so terrible.
Monica: That would be so terrible.
Victoria: Brady Bunch format.
Monica: Thanks for not doing that format.
Victoria: Oh my God, yeah. That would be like Trauma Uninformed 101. It’s Brady Bunch style.
Monica: No Brady Bunch style sharing with a bunch of people looking at you. Or, at least you seeing a bunch of people.
Victoria: Right! Like filing their nails, drinking coffee, yelling at the dog. Yeah.
Monica: And there's no like, there's not a rule you need to be on camera, even if you're on a coaching call. You know what I mean? Like, these are the options we have. But also yeah, I've never, ever, has ever an unkind thing happened in the community or group. Everyone is so, so supportive of what everyone…
Because I think also, like, even, like personal experience, universal experience, like even if what someone sharing isn't exactly what we've experienced, like, we know, we're coming here for similar situations. So, it's something that we can see ourselves into. So, I don't know, there's just like, a camaraderie there, too, where it's just like… Yeah, you know?
And even if we don't like… It's not a place to get unsolicited advice. It's a place to just support each other through those moments. And I love when you ask us, kind of like, what do we do in certain situations, so we can share our thing, and it's not advice. It's just us sharing our thing, you know? Which is really great.
And then yeah, a few people, I went through the first cohort with, yeah, just keeping in touch outside of the group. I mean, a lot of us are still in the group, which is great. And just like, even like, working together, and like having coffee chats outside, and just you know, yeah, just it's very bonding, you know, and not in a bad way, a trauma bonding way, like in a good way.
Victoria: Right. Yeah.
Monica: It’s like a distinction. I think it's a really important one to make.
Victoria: Don't come here to get enmeshed. Just come here for more love.
Monica: For more love, yeah. And it's just yeah… I don't think I've… This is probably the only place I've been… Oh, no, not probably it is 100% the only place that I've felt okay, sharing, like really hard things. And, you know, it's like, I remember one call when I was just like bawling, because I couldn't figure out what was going on with myself.
And like, I've always been scared to talk about like, what my brain is doing. And I just like knew, in that moment. Whenever I share about it at all, I'm like, “Oh, my God. Like, someone's gonna lock me up somewhere.” But when I shared with you, I was like, “I know. I know, this is going to be okay.” So, I think that just kind of speaks volumes to like, the nature of the space that you've created for us.
Victoria: Thank you. I'm honored by that. Yeah. So, what would you say…? So, if you think about what things were like, concretely, before Anchored, and what things are like, now, what has changed in your life?
Monica: Oh, yeah. You know, I just like, I feel like everything else in the world that's happening, including relationships, including anything in the world, does not determine my feelings. Like, does not determine my thoughts. Like I can, like regulate those on my own, which is huge. Because I think, you know, with the amount of anxiety I was experiencing, it was just like one tiny thing and like, you know, I could like spiral for the rest of the day, and then my day was pretty ruined, to be honest.
Or, one thing that, you know, my mom would say, or if someone said something that reminded me of another situation, would just kind of like throw me off. And now, I have the tools to not be thrown off for the entire day. If something happens, I can just be like, “Okay,” you know.
Even something as simple as… And I think it's like, some of these simple things are really powerful, where it's like, if I see an email, that's a little bit like jarring or passive aggressive, you know, something we just experience, I can just look at it and be like, “Cool. I'm gonna deal with that later,” when I deal with that. And I don't think about it until I deal with it, which is huge for me.
And I think even the small things, like seeing a piece of mail when my like US Postal Service®, like preview comes up that says, like, you know, it's from the government, or it's from the like, tax board or something. Like, I'm not like freaking out the whole day before it gets here. Which I know those are small things, but…
Victoria: They’re huge, though.
Monica: They’re huge things.
Victoria: I mean, I always say it's the quotidian bullshit that makes up a life, right? Yeah, this has little everyday things.
Monica: Yeah. That just stack up. They just stack up. Yeah.
Victoria: Right? Well, I mean, if we think about it from a nervous system point of view, and we think about our window of, what the literature calls the “window of tolerance,” our window of capacity to manage life, and stay regulated, and ventral vagal, all of those little things, right? Put like another drop of stress into the cup. And another drop, and another drop, and then you're so much more likely to go into sympathetic, and go into fight-or-flight, freak-out, anxiety, worry. Or, just like collapse on the couch, foot on the brake in dorsal, right?
Monica: Yeah. I was there a lot. A lot, before. Like, a lot of numbing, a lot of not like, yeah, just can't face the feeling. Oh, there was another takeaway from the program that I just thought about. Which was just huge for like, this part of like, how it's changed my life…
You know, I was always like, “I'm anxious.” I remember you telling me like, “Okay.” You know, asking, of course, you always ask, “If you can share, if you can, like, just say something very candidly.” I'm like, “Of course, that's my style. I just like to be… just tell me.” And you were like, “I think that your cover-up emotion is anxiety. So, I'm gonna, like, I'm going to ask you to really think about how you're feeling, right now.”
Which was, like, huge, because… Yeah. You know, it took a while, but then I was like, “Oh, I'm angry. Like, I'm actually angry. I'm not anxious. Like, I'm really mad right now.” Which was, like, really good to feel after just being anxious about everything, for so long.
Or like, “Oh, I'm really sad.” You know? Which is something just like, I just tried to, like, walk out entirely, for so long, you know. But you know, for many reasons.
And that's, like, that's been a huge, huge change in my life. And I think just being like, what if that wasn't a problem? Is a huge one. Because, like, you know, those things being a problem has deterred me in the past. Of like, experiencing a lot of things, and enjoying a lot of things, and just saying ‘yes’ to things that I would normally, you know, kind of say ‘no’ to. Because I was like, “Oh, I don't…” you know, all the like, future tripping in my mind about whatever thing, you know.
So yeah, experience wise, like having, you know, more experiences, more fun, less anxiety… Being able to like, kind of relearn relationships in my life with people, and not be as impacted by their thoughts or their behavior towards me, I think, is a huge one, too. Yeah.
Victoria: Yeah. Those are all super huge. I mean… I have loved being, you know, getting to bear witness to you learning to map your nervous system. And to see your thoughts, and to not just name the feelings under it. I watched you be able to feel the feelings under it. Which is like, that's a big deal…
Monica: Which was not happening. No. It was not.
Victoria: It was not.
Monica: Of course, no judgment there, right? That's why you did encourage… like, that's the point. Like, come in and learn to live in your whole body. Right? Not just from the neck up. Oh my gosh, and the other huge thing is like how much my body has improved from it, just like feeling wise. Like, you know, I was an athlete for so long. And for so long, for the last however many years, my body's been like a very foreign object to me. And it's like, getting back into it, and feeling it, and being able to, like, kind of nurture it and move it, is massive, you know?
Victoria: Yeah. And what has helped you it? Was it the somatics? What helped you to be able to do that?
Monica: Yeah, I think it was definitely the somatics. Like, really just taking time to feel my body, a little bit and not just being like, “Oh, I don't have time for this.” You know, “I don't have time for this. My brain is just too much to deal with. I don't have time to deal with my body.” Was a huge one.
Victoria: Yeah. You know, I've never heard it really said exactly like that; that managing your mind gives you the time and space to attend to your body. But I feel like that's what I just heard.
Monica: Yeah, it was huge. Like, I was still busy managing my mind that my body was just like, “No way, I can't even think about it.” Which I knew they were connected, I wasn't like, unaware. But I just like couldn't, I couldn't do it. So, being able to manage my mind and not have those reactions to circumstances in my life, I could just be like, “Okay, I'm going to take care of my like, whole body now. And I'm not going to worry about that, and have that occupy my time, and take away from my time with me.”
And like, another huge thing was just, you know, that self-trust factor that we like, work on reinstating after so long of like, you know, self-abandonment and things like that. It’s huge. Because again, as like a college athlete, and being that for so long, I was like, “Oh, I can just go into doing what I used to do.” But I'm like, “Yeah, cool. I'm not twenty-five; I'm thirty-five.” And that's fine, you know? That's totally fine.
But also, I'm not going to be doing what I used to do. And instead of being like, “I'm going to do this, this many times a week, for this much time,” and then not doing it. And then, being like, “Well, you suck. And you didn't do that. So, we're not doing that anymore, because you can't do it.” It's more like, “Okay, let's just like start here. And if I can do that for a little while, then yeah, we can like up it. But let's do a little for consistency.” Because that's better than doing nothing consistently.
Victoria: Totally. So, it sounds to me, like you learned how to take kitten steps…
Victoria: towards your own goals, right? Instead of spinning in a perfectionist fantasy, in which you have to perfect or forget about it.
Monica: And do it right the first time. Like, or do it “right.” Like, whatever that means. Do it right the first time, which is whatever someone else's version of right... I mean, that's helped with writing, too. Of, just me totally being like, cool. My job is to create a draft of something because I do copywriting. And I've learned, from years of doing it, that sometimes when I write a draft of something, that could mean that someone just saw something they don't want. Which we both didn't know, until I wrote it.
Which is like, a perfectionist me could just really reel on that, you know? Just for a long… And then not want to like… And then feel like just resistant to fixing it, because I'm scared of it not being right again, you know? Which now, I'm like, “Okay, like, cool. This is part of the process. Like, now we know this isn't what you want. Now, we're going to get the knowledge out a little more, that I need to give you what you want. And then, we're moving on. I'm confident that we'll get what we want in the end.”
And that's something that's just like, so much easier to work with for myself. Being consistent is such a thing I've heard so many, like, it’s just a thing we hear all the time in our life. Like being consistent, which is, which I know is a good thing, but what I learned in your program, too, is like, sometimes people are being consistent in a way that we think is not consistent. But they are consistent in the way that their behavior is. And maybe it's not like it doesn't serve us.
Like I remember on a call, you were like, “No, this person is being consistent. They are showing you that this is them. Like they don't…” which was like a huge… Sorry, tangent. But the takeaway was like, “Oh, this person is being consistent. They're not being inconsistent. They're being inconsistent in the way that I want them to behave towards me. But they actually are being consistent in the way they actually treat me.”
Victoria: Yeah, I think that points to an important thing we learned in Anchored, which is to start to see what we're tolerating in life, that doesn't serve us. And, what we're putting up with, what we continue to say ‘yes’ to. Because it's one of the core lessons, right? Because if we don't believe in our self-worth, then like, of course, it's fine if we're treated like crap again and again, right? Like, that’s fine.
Monica: Yean, and sometimes it feels subtle. It feels subtle sometimes, you know? Where just like, “Wait a minute.” Yeah, I had a friend where I was like, “Oh, this person…” I brought them up in a couple of calls and I was like, “This person is consistently like, putting me down but in a very, like backhanded way,” you know? And now I've walked away from that, because I'm like, “Dude, I'm not your… I'm not here to make you feel better about yourself, in whatever way you're doing...”
So, it's just like, those small behaviors that I was like, “Oh, well, that person is just like going through a thing. And it's like, fine, you know. Like, of course, they would treat me that way. And of course, it's okay. Because, I'm used to being like, that person for people.” But like, now, it's like, “Oh, no. I'm not doing that. Whatever insecurities are happening, like, I can't be the one to like, make you feel better about them. It's just not... It's not my role. It's not gonna be my role anymore.”
Victoria: Yeah, and I think you know, that's a thing. And also, of course, the neighbor’s now mowing the lawn, like right next door. So, anyone who can hear a lawn mower, that's life. I traded in Brooklyn sirens for the Hudson Valley's lawn mowers, it's fine.
Monica: It’s always something.
Victoria: Always something, you know? Well, yeah. So, that made me think about roles, right? And all the inner child work we do in Anchored, of looking at our childhood roles, and how they're showing up in adulthood.
Monica: I mean, it's the same. It was the same for me. What I did for someone in my childhood is what I've… I like, continuously seen, as with friends, I'm like, I'm that person. Yeah, because it's normal. And, like, I don't want to say comfortable, because it was not comfortable. But it was, I mean, it was normal for me. It was my normal, in a way, where I was like, someone feels bad about themselves, and like, I can take it because like, I don't feel bad about myself.
But then, it's like, “No, I'd rather support you in working through that. If you want me to be here to listen to you. But I don't want to be the person that you put down so you can lift yourself up like that's…
Monica: Even if you hide it with a compliment, but it's not really a compliment.
Victoria: It's not cool. Yeah. And it is, it's pretty awesome to see folks… You know, there's a channel in our Slack group, about asking for help and getting it, and asking for it and hearing no. What's your experience with those kinds of things?
Monica: Oh, I love that. Because I'm not great at asking for help. I think it's maybe like a common thread.
Victoria: Super common. I mean, it’s us. Right?
Monica: It's us. And, just like, kind of conditioned, we know, through that codependent cycle of childhood that, like, there is no help available. So, you know, you gotta figure it out. Which I know now, is not the case. So, being able to practice that…
Because I think it's like, a lot of times, we'll see, you know, snippets of things on like, Instagram, or read an article that's like, you know; when you're feeling this way, ask for help, or do these things. And you're like, yeah, cool, but like, I've never done that. So, I don't really know where to start, like, do I just do it? Do I just ask?
Victoria: Will the world end?
Monica: Will the world end? Will someone say ‘no?’ Which they might, you know. Will someone say ‘no,’ and I'll never ask again? Like, that kind of vibe, right? So, it's like, having that place to practice, in either direction, was really helpful to be like, you know, it's that like, practice of like, you know, of rejection in general.
Or, like, you know, that doesn't mean that you're not gonna get the help you need, or you're, you know, you're not gonna get the job, or you're not gonna get the thing. It's just kind of like, practicing that, like, dynamic, I think, and it not shutting me down.
Victoria: Right. Yeah, I mean, that rejection wound. Yeah.
Monica: It’s deep. It can be deep.
Victoria: It can be deep, which is why we go in there with the somatics. Because, you know, I love thought work. I'm all about thought work, but I don't think it works when the wound is that kind of a core childhood wound. You know, like, it's not enough, often.
Monica: And then, that wound of like, goes back into that, like, you can't achieve your way to loving yourself thing. Because that wound for me was like, “Oh, I'm gonna reach farther. I'm gonna do more. I'm gonna try harder. Because, even though I know this will never be enough for them.” So why? Why am I doing that?
Is this enough for me? I think is like where I've come to like, “I don't care if it's enough for you, because it's enough for me.” And if you need someone else to give you that level of whatever thing, then that's cool. Doesn't have to be me. I'm not everything to everyone. And I’m fine with that.
Victoria: I love that reframe.
Monica: Yeah, right? Thanks for teaching me that.
Victoria: My pleasure. Always here for it.
Monica: It's that authenticity, right? Coming back to that. Like, that's what it is, like, this is me. Like, this is what I'm willing to do. And this is what I'm not willing to do. This is who I am. Maybe that'll change.
Victoria: Yeah, you might want to do the thing at some point. But right now? You're not available. Yeah. And what are the things that helped you to get in touch with that authenticity? And to, like, really connect with it?
Monica: Yeah. I mean, the like, managing of the mind was huge, for sure. Because without being able to do that, I would just like, spiral like, a lot of time. And there's no like space to think about who you are, and what you want, when you're just spiraling about little and big things that happen to you throughout the day. You know, so that was a huge one to stop spiraling about all those things.
Because then I can sit and really think about it. And you know, I think also the people around me who were very supportive, you know, in the group and in my life, and being able to see who those supportive people are in my life, because of learning these tools in the group, was huge.
Where I'm like, I know who I feel safe to share things with, and who I feel safe to talk things through with in my life, also. And that was really, really helpful to do that. And then also just kind of like realizing that, you know, not that I needed this too, but it is just like sometimes validation is something like, we're humans and validation is helpful.
I think realizing, that what people liked about me, that like everyone always tells me is like, “You're just so you. You just do whatever you want. And you're just like, you're not worried about like trends or you know, anything like that?” And I'm like, “Oh, yeah, no, I do.” And I don't see that sometimes, because I'm too worked up in my mind, too amped up.
But like just hearing that from other people, I was like, “That is like how I move through the world.” And I can I just own that, like, I don't really have to fake anything anymore. Like, you know, or put on or feel like, I'm too much for people. Or, feel like, you know, because of like, who I am, in my experience, that I have to, like, minimize or like, dim myself. Like, no. Because people don't see me then. And people see me when I don't dim myself, you know. And I want to be seen, I wasn't seen for so long.
Victoria: Right. Right. And I think that's one of my most favorite things that happens in Anchored, is the mirroring. Yeah, like, yeah, it is validating. But to me, it doesn't feel like validation. Because it’s not filling that hole in your heart that says, “I'm not worthy.” It's like, “Hey, here's a mirror. Monica, you're friggin’ amazing. We see it. Do you see it? We see it.”
Monica: Yeah. It's so true. It is validating. Yeah. And then you get to just kind of like, do that for yourself.
Victoria: Yeah. And practice receiving it. Which I think can be so….
Monica: My gosh. Really, just threw…
Victoria: Sorry, monkey wrench. But….
Monica: Yeah, the receiving part. That was definitely hard. That's the hardest part for me. Yeah. Yeah. But I've been practicing it, and just saying thank you. Not like, self-deprecating afterwards. Not having to like throw a compliment back because I feel bad. Just saying thank you.
Victoria: Saying thank you.
Monica: Your head’s really a nice shape. Thank you.
Victoria: I think I don't think there's a better compliment on this planet, that you have a nice head shape.
Monica: You have a nice head shape.
Victoria: It's really… I've been striving towards that for…
Monica: I think that's just a forever thing. Whatever head shape…
Victoria: It’s hilarious. I love how your brain... What are brains… That your brain was like, “What's a great compliment? You have a superlative head shape.”
Monica: A superlative head shape. I know people will see… for the people that won't see this on Instagram, I have a very buzzed head right now. Yeah, so it is…
Victoria: Prominent. And you do, I mean, I won't deny it. You have a superlative head shape. But yeah, you have a good hairline, too.
Monica: Thank you.
Victoria: Yeah, no. It’s important. Look at you practicing? How do you feel in your body?
Monica: It felt really good. Yeah, it felt really good. Yeah. Compliments are nice. Yeah.
Victoria: Wow. Yeah. I mean, compliments are nice for me now because I can take them. They used to give me all sorts of like, like that low-grade sympathetic. Like, “Aaaaaah.”
Monica: Where before it was like, “No, I don't have a nice head shape.” No, I'm not ready. No, to whatever.
Victoria: So, you'd go to negating. I would go to this feeling of obligation, like, “Crap, now I have to compliment you.”
Monica: Oh, that too. 100%. Yeah. And I now, I'm like, “Don't do it.”
Victoria: Don't do it.
Monica: Don't do it. Unless, it's earnest. If it's really earnest, like, I will, and I will do more of that. Just like, I will give more of that out of the blue, now. Because I'm like, oh. I mean, but I don't know. Hopefully, you know, they like it too. But if not, that's like, okay, whatever. However way they receive it right now. It's totally fine.
But yeah, I did. I also felt that, where I was like, “Oh, I have to find something.” Then I’d go even like a step further and be like, are they gonna think this is genuine? Are they gonna think you're just throwing them a compliment, because they threw you a compliment? Then, it’s just this weird dynamic.
And then, if they throw you a compliment that's like, I can tell is an insecurity for them, then I just totally seized up and didn't know what to do. Now I'm like, “That's not mine. Thank you, I do have a nice shaped head.
Victoria: I love how we go, like, from our codependent thinking from like, twenty-seven different layers of mind reading, right?
Monica: And like, reading their body energy, their facial energy.
Victoria: [Crosstalk] really fast. Nervous system fast. Yeah, yeah.
Monica: Just like staying in our own bodies. Like staying in our own embodiment in those moments. Like, I'm not going into your body. I'm gonna stay here.
Victoria: I'm gonna stay right over here. It's pretty dope.
Monica: Pretty dope. Yeah, very, very cool. Very cool. Very just, I mean, yeah, it's just… Life changing is the word, really. I mean, there's been a bunch of tools that have just, in the last two years have like changed my life, for sure. And people can tell, also. Not that, that is like the end-all-be-all of it, but people have definitely like been like, “I can tell. Like, you're being like, you're just being you. You're doing what you want to do. You feel like… I can feel that you're happy.” And before, like they couldn't, like well, I mean, I wasn't so… They weren't wrong.
Victoria: They read you correctly.
Monica: Yeah, they read it correctly. But they're just like, “I can feel that you're just doing your thing.” And that's like, that's who I am. That's like, you know, that's what I've done for so long. And it just was like, lost for a while. And I think it needed to be, for me to, you know, deal with those deep wounds and break those patterns that were making it harder for me to be me. It’s a good feeling.
Victoria: Oh, it's so beautiful to see you reclaiming your life, your sense of self, your sense of worth, your relationships from your family blueprint, from the patriarchy, from all of your conditioning and socialization. Codependency. It’s amazing.
Monica: I mean, it’s a lot and just being grateful to, like, more grateful to myself for you know, getting through some really tough conditioning, like you said. Identity things from growing up in a place that did not validate my existence, my full identity, right? And just like being grateful to my body, for getting me through this far.
Being grateful to myself for just like, you know, resiliency is like a hard thing in general, but just like the, you know, being like, “Wow, you did this while you were feeling that bad. And we don't want to do that again, right? At all. But like, thank you for keeping your life, here in this like, in a state that is manageable to repair.” You know what I mean? Like, it's not a reality, all the time. So, I'm very grateful to myself. I'm super grateful to you, too.
Victoria: Yeah. So, then I'm curious from all of that conditioning, and all of those stories, what led you to be able to invest in yourself and to say, “I'm, I'm worth spending time, money, financial resources, in this big way?”
Monica: Yeah. That's a great question. I think like, because it's a hard one. Right? It's a hard moment for a lot of us; capitalism makes it hard. Sometimes. It does. But I think, you know, I think for so long, I don't know what the like catalyst was, and maybe it was just like, watching and listening to your stuff. It probably was, you know.
Because for so long, I put resources into like, other people and other things and things that weren't me. And things that were just kind of, like, you know, this is the life you should have, but I'm like, “Yeah, but I'm not happy with it. So, like, why am I putting all this time, and resources, and energy into, you know, just patterns that didn't serve me, to things that were just…” you know, were part of the numbing.
I mean, for me, it wasn't so much like shopping, but it was those things where it's like I would, when you're feeling really bad, you like buy something. And that's that kind of like, dopamine shot. They feel like… Or, like other dopamine shots, like not actual shots, but like, you know, just moments of dopamine surges that you just try to get, because I want to be able to, like, call this in or move through things a lot easier.
And I think for me, at that point two years ago, my relationship with money was still fairly complicated. It's way less complicated now. And I think I can contribute a lot of that to Anchored. And also, yeah, no, yeah, 100%. I was gonna see if there was anything else, but I don't think so.
Because it's like managing the mind has made me really understand like, my self-worth, and like, what I want to do, what I don't want to do, what the value of my work is. Like, before I was just so anxious about not getting work.
And about, you know, I lived in Los Angeles, and there were moments where I had, like, $4, in my bank account, or nothing in my bank account, or, you know, there were moments that were… But I wasn't able to get out of that thinking about like money and about my relationship with it, and about what is possible, and what I could make room for, without managing my mind.
So, I think it was just a moment where I was like, this seems super legit. And I like the vibe. And I've invested in my business before, I've invested in… And I'm like, it's time to invest in myself. Which actually feels like maybe it's kind of cliche, but also, I think it's that moment, where it's like, what's more important to me, than me? And how I interact with the world? Really, there’s nothing more important than that.
Yeah. When I looked at all the support we were gonna get, like the investment, I'm like, “Yeah, that checks out. Like, we're getting a lot of support. We're getting a lot of tools that are, you know, I now know, are life changing.” So, I, you know, maybe had a little leap of faith, but it was an educated leap. It worked out. So, I think, you know, for me, it was a combination of like, being sick and tired of my patterns and my relationship with spending money.
Victoria: Yeah. What would you say to someone who's having some nervousness, some trepidation about joining the program?
Monica: Yeah, I mean, I've definitely, like, talked to friends about it before and like… Because they see the change in me too, you know, and it's like, everyone's ready when they're ready. But I think I would say, like, choose yourself, above all. Because, you know, you can't have the relationships you want, with anything; with the world, with people in your life, with yourself, with your work, with your play, with your intimacy, like anything, if you don't have that with yourself.
So, I think like, you know, thinking about, I would say, think about what you really want your life to be. And just know that this program can change it. I don't think I've seen anyone, in the alumni group, whose life hasn't been completely transformed, and now has a space to, when those obstacles come up, move through them faster, with more ease, with a community that knows what we're going through.
I think that, in itself, is something that like, if you're nervous about it, know that, like, there's a lot of other people there that are working through this stuff, and Victoria's there, and you're gonna get through it faster. Those moments that are like agonizing now, won't be. And I think that's like the biggest thing I could tell someone.
Victoria: Thank you so much for that, Monica.
Monica: Yeah, my pleasure.
Victoria: And thank you for being a part of Anchored. It really has been such a gift and a privilege. And I feel so grateful to know you, and to have been by your side on this journey.
Monica: Thank you. I just got goosebumps. I want you to know, because I'm like, it's been a journey. And I'm just, yeah, just, it's so validating to be like seen by you, and know that you see what I was going through. Or, you saw what I was going through, and see it now. And it's just like, yeah, I don't think, yeah, I don't think you know how much it's meant, but it has.
Victoria: Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. So, you do amazing work in the world. Where can the good people find you?
Monica: Oh, yeah.
Victoria: What are you up to? You have a new project coming up soon, right?
Monica: I have a new project coming up. Yes, it's really exciting. So, I've been a freelance service provider with marketing and copywriting since I was twenty years old; I'm now thirty-five. So, that's a good fifteen years.
Victoria: That's a solid chunk of time.
Monica: That’s a solid chunk of time. And I've really enjoyed it, I really like it. And I help, you know, anywhere from nonprofits to small businesses, to entrepreneurs, you know, everyone in between. I like variety, which is why I do this. And I've noticed that freelance service providers, you know, don't have a lot of support in the world for how like, kind of, it's just a process that's hard to learn. People don't teach it; they don't teach like freelance service provider things. Things we should, we could know, like, you know, things that support us, things that support clients, how to create packages, how to price ourselves. All these things that are not given to us.
So, I'm creating or I've created a program that helps freelance service providers do that. Like create a foundation of how to position yourself in the world, so you can get business, as a copywriter or marketer, or a podcast manager, or a graphic designer, or web developer, or whatever your service is.
And then, have a community of support, of getting through those tough things with clients, or celebrating those great things in your career, in your personal life. And then being like, “Oh my gosh, like, how do I price this custom proposal? How do I do these things, I don't know?” Or, also referring business and getting business from other people.
So, it's called Square Up, because I'm all basketball, all the time.
Victoria: I love that.
Monica: There’s a saying in basketball, you know, like; if you're not squared up to the basket, you can't shoot your shot. So, that's pretty much what we're doing. Like, we're squaring you up to what you want. So, you can shoot your shot and you can, you know, get consistent projects and clients with your freelance business. So, I'm very excited about it.
And you can find it at unsociallyinclined.com. My business Instagram is @unsociallyinclined, but also, I invite people… You can follow me @moneyshrock also that's where I share things, like personally and fun things. And I love to invite people to follow me there as well.
Victoria: So fun.
Monica: Well, thank you. Thank you.
Victoria: Yeah. All right. Thank you, be well. Kisses.
Victoria: Thank you so much for listening to that delightful conversation with Mon, aren't they such a charmer? God, they are so great. And they are an example of what is possible, when you dedicate yourself to the work in Anchored.
If you have been contemplating joining us, if you are learning so much from the podcast, and want my loving care and support, my guidance, my coaching, and the support of this beautiful, authentic, powerful community to take your life back, to change the way you relate to yourself and the world, you're going to want to join us for Anchored.
Head on over to VictoriaAlbina.com/Anchored to learn more, to fill out a short application, and to get on my schedule for a call, with me, to talk about all the details. I can't wait to read your application. I can't wait to talk with you. I can't wait to welcome you to the Anchored familia where you will be held with such love, such care.
You will be a part of this incredible community of folks really doing this work to change our lives, to reclaim our tender ravioli-ness with joy, with embodiment, with agency. Ah, it's so exciting. I can't wait to see you there. VictoriaAlbina.com/Anchored is the place to start.
Alright, my beauties. Let's do what we do; gentle hand on your heart, should you feel so moved. And remember, you are safe. You are held. You are loved. And when one of us heals, we help heal the world. Be well, my beauty. I'll talk to you soon.
If you've been enjoying the show and learning a ton, it's time to apply it with my expert guidance, so you can live life with intention, without the anxiety, overwhelm and resentment, so you can get unstuck. You're not going to want to miss the opportunity to join my exclusive intimate group coaching program. So, head on over to VictoriaAlbina.com/masterclass to grab your seat now. See you there; it's gonna be a good one!