If you’ve spent a lifetime of time, energy, and effort seeking safety from other people and meticulously making sure everyone else is always looked after, but can’t shake the resentment and powerlessness that comes along with this habit, you’re not alone. The good news is that if what you’ve been doing so far hasn’t been working, you can find respite from this pattern and a different path forward, and my guest this week is the perfect example.
Molly Goodman is a powerhouse life coach working primarily around topics such as body image, self-acceptance, and self-trust. She joined Anchored in the fall of 2019 and has been a part of the alumni network since, and she’s here this week to talk us through her life before Anchored and the amazing transformations she experienced throughout our work together.
Listen in this week as Molly shares what bought her to Anchored, the changes she made while she was inside the group, and how being inside helped her understand her purpose as a coach. She’s speaking to the power of our community, and how true, sustainable healing comes from a slow and steady progression in a different direction.
This is Feminist Wellness, and I’m your host, Nurse Practitioner, Functional Medicine Expert, and life coach, Victoria: Albina. I’ll show you how to get unstuck, drop the anxiety, perfectionism, and codependency so you can live from your beautiful heart. Welcome my love, let’s get started.
Victoria Albina: Hello, hello, my love. I hope this finds you doing so well.
I am beyond delighted, truly, to share my recent conversation with Coach Molly Goodman with you. Molly is such a powerhouse. She's an amazing human and amazing coach. I was so fortunate and lucky to have her in the inaugural class of Anchored: Overcoming Codependency, my six-month somatics, thought work, and breathwork course. We had a beautiful time in our six months together. She's been a part of the alumni network since then.
We had a really lovely conversation about her transformation; about everything that brought her into Anchored, the transformation and change that she made while in the program, and where she's at now, which is oh my gosh, such an inspiring, beautiful place. It's just so amazing to compare where she was in life before Anchored and where she is now. It's mind-blowing. I'm so thrilled to share it with you, really as an example of what's possible.
Because I know when I was rolling around, you know, for thirty years in my own codependent, perfectionist, and people pleasing thought habits… When I was in that functional freeze in my nervous system and was so disconnected from my own body, my own felt experience, there weren't models of what was possible.
I didn't really know that this could be overcome. I didn't realize that there was a there “there.” That it was possible to live life in a better way, in a more connected, embodied, grounded way. I didn't know that better communication was possible. I didn't know that following my dreams was possible.
I was just doing what I was taught to do. I was living in a way that I thought would get me the validation that I was constantly looking for. And, having found my own way through, it's just so beautiful to be able to share everything I've learned in my twenty years in health and wellness. Can't believe I've been doing anything for twenty years.
Everything I've learned in my training in somatics, through the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute, with amazing mentors like Jane Clapp and my training as a Master Certified Life Coach with the Life Coach School, plus my own growth, my own experience; sharing all of that is just such a gift.
I'm absolutely grateful for the privilege and honor of getting to do so every day of my life. I'm so grateful to be able to live life on the other side of all those painful survival stories from my youth, and all those survival skills. You know, I honor them, of course for what they are. I'm grateful for them. They got me so far. And, I'm so glad to have the tools I have now, that have gotten me to a place I am really glad to be in.
So, without further ado, I do love a do. I'm delighted to share this conversation with the remarkable Miss Molly Goodman. Well, hello, Molly.
Molly Goodman: Hello, hello. Oh, my goodness, I'm so happy to be talking to you right now.
Victoria: I am so thrilled that you're here. Thank you so much.
Molly: I can't even begin. I sometimes think about the fact that I started this journey with you over two years ago, now. And my brain can't quite comprehend both how fast and how slow time is. Like, what is time? Seriously. Yeah, it's really special to be able to come here and speak with you, and go into what the past couple of years have been like, since I came upon your work and decided to join Anchored. Yeah, I’m excited to share that with you, and your beautiful followers, and podcast family and everybody. I’m excited to dive into all of that.
Victoria: Okay, well, before we do that, would you mind introducing yourself; sharing pronouns, doing land acknowledgments? Telling folks what you do, because that's exciting.
Molly: Yeah, it sure is. So hello, my name is Molly Goodman. My pronouns are she/her. I live in beautiful Washington DC, which, let's see if I can get the acknowledgement correct; I believe it is Nacotchtank, I believe is what it is. But I'm originally from the Boston area, Boston Mass. The Ponkapoag/ Pawtucket area in Massachusetts, for some more land acknowledgement.
I am a life coach and I work primarily with folks around things like those big old issues of; body image, and self-acceptance, and self-trust, and honoring your body exactly where it's at, no matter your size, and just fighting the good fight against that good old fun thing called diet culture. Really, all of that work I've been building on for a long time started to blossom and come to fruition.
I understood what my purpose was as a coach after being coached, after working with you, Victoria. I think it was about a month into my journey in Anchored, when I messaged you and I said, “Hey, I think I want to be a coach.” And, you're like, “Good. I've been waiting for that since the second I talked to you.” I was like, “Cool! We're on the same page.”
I just felt so right, and I've been doing it ever since. So, for the past couple of years now. And, in addition to the other things I do, I work in the performing arts and the nonprofit arts field, I’ve been doing that for ages. I love the blending of creativity and the art, with coaching and finding ways to help humans of all shapes and sizes, figure out how to be more present in their lives and kick that culture’s butt. That's what I'm all about.
Victoria: I love it. I love it. Take that patriarchy. Yep. So, if we zoom back, can you tell us about where you were in your life? What was going on? What were your struggles that led you to join Anchored?
Molly: Absolutely. So, I think you know, if I go back even a little bit further, it was fall of 2019. Having grown up in a very codependent household, struggling with that for quite some time, I didn't really ever have the language for codependency. I didn't quite understand what that meant. I think there's a lot of… You hear about codependency, in particular when it comes to media, or movies, or TV. It's sort of this version where it's like, well, these two people are inseparable so they're codependent, right?
But there's not a lot of nuance in the conversation around it. In the fall of 2019, I was with my then boyfriend. Out of nowhere, we had been together at that point for about seven years, and out of nowhere, he just said, “I need to take a break.” We were living together. I was devastated. It sent me into this sort of tailspin, where I ended up googling codependency, and lo and behold, found you and found the podcast.
I consumed, pretty much, as much of it as I could immediately, and just really dove into it. It gave me language, and it gave me an understanding of “Okay, here's where maybe my struggles can be ironed out. I can understand it. I can look at it. And I can also start to maybe do a little something with it.” So, I started doing that, and listening, and taking note, and really giving myself space to figure it out, from there.
We all know what happened in March 2020, with COVID, and everything happening there. I was very lucky to retain my full-time job. But I also was very scared and very lonely, and not quite sure where my life was going. And, of course, the stars aligned again, and you were put on my path again, with the form of your webinar; all around overcoming codependency. It just was everything that clicked; it all clicked together.
We had our chat. And I realized there's never going to be a right time per se, to put yourself first but I felt like that was my time. I was unhappy. I was struggling. I was so focused on everybody else's happiness, so concerned with making sure that everybody else was okay, and yet I didn't know how to feel okay, myself. That's where this amazing work just all came together at the right time for me.
Victoria: Yeah, how was codependency showing up in your relationship back then?
Molly: So, in a couple of ways, I think. The thing with codependency is that it's not a one-way street. It's definitely a two-way street. I think my ex and I were very much enablers of codependency; he was very much the hero and I was very much the needy “victim.”
It was very much this space where I allowed a lot of things to just slide by. I didn't speak up. I didn't share my truth when things hurt my feelings, I just let them go. I also wasn't getting my needs met, because I was so focused on being the good girlfriend or being the one who was doing all the things correctly, whatever that looks like. We didn't talk about our problems; we didn't have conversations around how to fix things.
I think that codependency showed up a lot where we both did not want to hurt the other person so deeply that we just didn't talk about anything. So, not only was I stewing in my own stuff, I know he was too. And that did not lead to feeling good on any level. There was that desire to shield each other from pain. And unfortunately, in doing so, we just became so much more disconnected, and on completely different paths.
Victoria: Yeah. Isn't it amazing how those things we do to avoid pain creates so much more?
Molly: Right? It's funny how that works.
Victoria: It's really funny; our brains, our nervous system, our inner children think they're doing this friggin’ amazing thing for us. But they're actually just kicking the can down the road. But it's like, okay, I'm going to mix all my metaphors, as usual. It's like they're kicking a snowball down road.
Molly: Yes, it's like picking up other cans as it goes.
Victoria: Yeah, sure, or whatever. Let’s put llamas in this mix. All the metaphors at once. But it just multiplies the suffering, instead of actually leaving alleviating it in any way, shape, or form.
Molly: Absolutely. And. it's one of those things where I think that when we first split up for that little bit in 2019, the codependency was so strong. There was this voice in the back of my head that was like, “I know it doesn't have to be like this, but I don't quite know how to get out of it.”
Having been in therapy for years, having developed this level of self-awareness that I think I had at that point, I was like, “Why am I so stuck here? Why can't I move through this?” Finding your work and finding Anchored, gave me the space to understand, “Okay, it's not that you can't do it, it's just maybe you don't have the right language. You don't have the tools. You don't have the understanding or the space to explore it.”
Being able to do that gave me such a different lens on codependency as well, because, as you always talk about and we've talked about at length, this idea that codependency is a habit that you form. It's something that is practiced over and over and over again. It's something that's learned in childhood. It's also a pattern that you can step out of.
I think prior to that understanding, I felt like, “Well, this is just my lot in life. This is just kind of what I'm going to have to deal with. My relationships are always going to be like this. I'm always going to give too much. I'm always going to feel resentful. And I'm always going to feel like I don't quite have a voice in this room.”
Victoria: Yeah, I mean, I think that's such a common experience, right? Yes, we're really sold that story, that it's an identification; you have to claim it in order to somehow push through it and get to some other side. But you'll never get there because you identified with it. So, you're effectively screwed, right?
Molly: Yeah, absolutely. It's, “This is you. This is your identity. This is who you are. Get used to it.”
Victoria: Claim it. It's important to claim it. Right? That's a vital, important first thing to do. So, I'm curious what you got from Anchored that was different from what you'd gotten in therapy all those years.
Molly: I think the main thing was action items, and being able to take what I was learning and apply it in a way that felt slow and steady, and measured. I'm a big advocate for therapy, and particularly art therapy, which is something that I've been in for years and love it. I think the pairing of the two… From Anchored, understanding; here's how you can build on what you already know. Here's where you can take things a step further.
I think with therapy, sometimes, it can get to a place where you're digging, you're digging; digging up the past, learning all the things about why you are the way you are, why the family system you're in is operating the way that it is, why your relationship is functioning that way. And yet, sometimes it doesn't feel like there's a lot of forward momentum on how to shift out of it.
That's what Anchored really did for me. It gave me the understanding of; okay, here's the next tiny, little step that you can take to move in a different direction. As somebody who has struggled with a lot of binary black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking in my past, being given the gift of; okay, well, just because it's not going to change overnight, doesn't mean that it can't change just a little bit.
That was one of the things that I had never really understood before. I had never really heard that in therapy. I had never really heard, the slow and steady progression in a different direction. That was totally mind-blowing to me. “Oh, not only can I do this at a pace that feels good to me, and I'm honoring my nervous system, and where I'm at. But I also have a choice in the matter.”
I think sometimes in therapy, and I know this is true for me and I'm pretty sure that I've heard other folks talk about this too, you can get swallowed up by all of it. And, feel like you have to accept it for what it is, rather than accept it, and… I think that “and” piece is what I really got from Anchored, that totally changed the game for me.
Victoria: I'm so thrilled to hear that. As someone who's a huge fan of therapy myself, I mean, I love therapy. But yeah, I feel like I got to this point where I had a stress/ distress and trauma PowerPoint that I could just play. And it's like, “I know where all my issues come from. Here they are! Check out this PowerPoint. I made cool graphics, look at that.” But it wasn't helping me, like you said, to actually make boots on the ground, real change in my life, and particularly not sustainable change.
Molly: Hmm. Yep. Sustainability, I think, is one of the big ones in that…With that all-or-nothing binary thinking of either doing all of it or nothing, there's a lot of, “Well, if you make the change, you're going to go for it.” That gung-ho mentality of pull yourself up by your bootstraps and figure it out. And then, that lasts for what, a day? A week, at most?
Victoria: If that,
Molly: Yeah, if that. Being able to understand; okay, you're going to take two steps forward, and maybe you'll take a step back. And maybe then, you'll take half a step forward, and then maybe you'll jump seven feet ahead of you. It doesn't have to be linear. It doesn't have to make logical sense, necessarily. But the fact that there's the ability to honor where you're at, at every stage.
One of the beautiful teachings that I learned from you, too, is just being able to come back to yourself and ask yourself: Where am I right now? What do I need right now? Because so much of codependency, people pleasing, perfectionism is rooted in other people's needs. And, the sheer idea of; wait, I'm allowed to have my own needs?
Not even knowing what they are necessarily, because that's step two. Step one is just recognizing; I'm allowed to need things.
Victoria: Right. The world’s not going to end.
Molly: Mind blown. Yeah. And that your needs can coexist with other people's needs. That you're not responsible for meeting somebody else's needs, especially when you haven't met your own. Understanding, again, how to, very slowly but surely, get to a place where I could understand what my needs are.
To get very real with myself; what do I even value in this life? What do I even want to be doing? How do I want to be spending my time? Who do I want to be spending my time with? And coming at it from that lens. To be able to say, “Okay, yeah. Here's what I value. Here's what I prioritize,” and then, making moves to make that my reality rather than being a passive observer of the circumstances in my life.
Victoria: Such huge transformations. I mean, truly forever life changing transformations. What were the tools in Anchored? What were the skills? What helped you get from there to here?
Molly: So, a lot of them… The basic one was thought work. Just understanding my relationship to my own thoughts, and the stories that I've told myself for years and years. The things that were implanted in me from my upbringing, from society. Being given the tools of thought work and the thought work protocol. To be able to look at my brain, and all the things passing through it, as this neutral space.
Understanding that just because you have a thought doesn't mean that it's true. Just because you think something doesn't mean you always have to think that way. Understanding how to, again, shift that slowly but surely using bridge thoughts. Using that tool of working your way toward the other side, was hugely transformational for me.
Another piece of Anchored that was really special, was being able to witness other people's transformation. I think that's one of the big things that I wasn't necessarily expecting. Because when you enter a space and you enter a program, you're very solo focused and like, “Okay, well, what am I going to get out of this? What am I going to do? How am I going to be in this world?”
And being in that space with other people who were experiencing very similar things, obviously, very different circumstances across the board. But the unique thing of being able to watch somebody else be coached by you and see; they may be in a completely different part of the country or a different part of the world. They have a very different life than I do.
And yet, these core issues are so universal, that I can sit and watch them talk about it, cry about it, yell about it, dance about it. I can watch that, and go, “I'm not alone.” To see myself reflected back in that, was something that I didn't necessarily expect, but was absolutely part of the transformation for me.
Being able to witness that, and witness other people, and have other people witness me, too. Knowing that while you're dealing with things that can feel very isolating, that can feel like you're the only one who has to struggle through these things; you're not. Being given the tools like thought work, and the space like I had inside of Anchored, was absolutely what propelled me forward.
Victoria: Thank you for speaking to the power of the community. Because again, I think it's that we come into healing work, whatever that means, so informed by the white wellness world, and by white settler colonialist thinking. Exactly thinking that we have to bootstrap the whole thing and be in this isolated silo of self-care.
As though community care and allowing ourselves to be cared for by a community was not the deepest self-care, right? And the deepest space for healing and growth. So beautiful. So, what was it like to be coached in that group, to talk about all these sensitive, tender things with all these people?
Molly: You know, I think I'm a pretty open book to begin with. But I know that not everybody is that way. I also, coming from a performing arts type background, I'm like, let's just put it all out there. But I know, there were times where I, clicked join to our zoom sessions, and I was not prepared. I just didn't quite know how it was going to go. Or, I didn't know what I was going to say. And there was that self-conscious little monster on my back going, “What are you doing?”
Your presence, as a coach, is so grounding and so calming that I was able to just drop into that. For anyone that's curious about what that's like… Victoria talks a lot about coregulating, and our nervous system, and what it feels like to be in connection with somebody else.
I think the beautiful way that you set up coaching, inside Anchored, and how it's not where you're on zoom with a bunch of faces, and everybody's staring at you. You set it up so that yeah, everybody's there, and they're in the audience, in the background. But the only people onscreen are you; it's you the coach, and you the client.
It's us together and knowing that just a chat away, somebody is watching and gleaning something from what you're talking about. Being able to cheer you on and say, “I see you and I hear you.” It really does help ground you, in the moment.
I think that if it was set up in a different way, where we were all onscreen together, I don't know that I would have been as comfortable pouring my heart out. Even for someone like me, who does that on the regular.
The nature of the way that you coach… In that, not only are you helping people and your community unravel what's going on, and how to put the pieces back together in a way that works for them, but you're doing it from the lens of, and this is something that I always appreciated, the lens of, where are you at? Meeting you where you're at.
There are times when you show up to coaching, and all you can do is sit across the camera from each other and just sob. There are times when all you can do is just verbal, like process and vomit all the words, and get them all out of your brain and your body so that they're just out there.
I think a lot of the misconceptions around coaching is that a coach is going to be there to tell you what to do. Right? A coach is going to have advice, and they're going to have the answers, and they're going to tell you, “You have this problem, here's how to fix it.”
That's not what it is. That's absolutely not what it is, especially inside Anchored. It's where are you at, let's come there together, and see how we can move our way through it.
That's what was so beautiful about being coached by you in that space. There was this energy of you know your body, you know yourself, that empowerment, that encouragement of, “I'm not…, me Victoria: I am not the be-all-end-all, know-it-all of the world. I am a mirror; I am the person who is reflecting back to you what's coming out. I can ask the right questions to guide you in a different direction.”
That's what I took from it, and how I employ that now in my own coaching. I'm not there to give anybody anything other than a reflection and the opportunity. That's what was so special about being coached by you inside Anchored, is that I was able to see myself through your lens, and then start making changes because you held that space.
Victoria: Thank you, Molly. I'm honored by your words. I am gratefully receiving them. Thank you. Ten, fifteen years ago before working on my codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing, I know as a primary care provider, my energy was so different because I was so awash in my own codependent thinking still.
I wanted, in that context my patients, but I think it very much applies to coaches. I think Anchored is… This kind of work should be core curriculum for everyone, in all the helping professions. If we don't look at those themes within ourselves, sourcing our validation from others, which is how we define codependent thinking, then we're looking for our worth in our clients.
Did they like what I said? Did I ask the smartest question? Are they agreeing with me? Are they nodding along? Are they shining me on? But I don't care because they're smiling. Do they like me? And with love, now I can say it's not my business if the people in Anchored like me. I see that their lives are changing; and that's what matters.
Molly: Absolutely. Absolutely. It's not about whether or not they're going to, leave you the best testimonial, or they're going to say, “Oh my god. Victoria is amazing.” It's how can I show up and be true to myself? As a coach, how can I stay in my lane, stay in my practice, stay in my scope of work, and offer my observation?
Offer what I know, and do it in a way that is very mindful that you get to invite the person on the other end to receive it. They may not, right? There's that ego check, as well. You as a coach and me when I'm coaching, we can say things and it can totally not land, right?
But that's okay and it doesn't mean that you're a bad coach, or a bad person, or any of it. It just means that we all have our own individual ways of absorbing information, and our own preconceived ideas of things, our own lived experiences that color what each say, in different ways.
So yeah, to think about the idea of codependency as a coach, and becoming codependent with your clients, too, is such an important one. Because when I first started coaching, and I was still doing the work that I was doing with you, inside Anchored, I very much felt that way. “Do they like me? Is this working? Is this okay? Can I say that?”
And now, I feel much more grounded. Much more able to listen and actively listen, and do it in a way that's not, “I'm going to listen so that I say the right thing.” I'm going to listen so that I make sure that I heard you.
Victoria: Right. It's such a huge difference. It's the ripple in and ripple out of everything in our lives. Because the way you're doing one thing is the way you're doing everything. Yeah, for sure. Such powerful work.
I'm thinking of all the folks, and all the help, all the physicians, the entities, the PAs, the social workers, all the folks in the helping professions who've gone through Anchored. Hearing, including the coaches, there's always a bunch of coaches every round, just how different their practice is, which is not what they were expecting.
Because most folks come in, they're like, “Yeah, my marriage, my relationship, my sense of self, my relationship with my kids, my parents, my family of origin...” But don't think how this impacts everything about your practice.
Molly: Mm-hmm. Yeah. It informs how you move through the world, in a general sense. One of the greatest gifts that I was given was my relationship to patients. Thinking about, and it's still one that I work on every darn day, but I think there's this piece of me that knows that the good stuff is coming.
And that the more, I'm going to get emotional talking about it, but the more that I know myself, and the more that I trust that the work I've done for me, is going to have that ripple effect. Like you talked about, that it's all going to come back around. That I have to trust that what I put out will come back to me.
You can't do that when you're so solely focused on other people, and what they're doing, and thinking, and saying, and being, and feeling. Giving myself the space to go, “You know what? It's not a race. I'm not trying to be anything other than myself.” The truest form of that is somebody that can take things very slowly and deliberately, and savor it.
I was actually thinking about this, this past weekend. I went to visit some college friends; my old college roommate was getting married. I haven't seen these people in years. Being with them, and thinking about what I was, like five, ten, fifteen years ago when we met, and where I'm at now; it's just worlds apart. Thinking about how your presence is a present, right?
Being present with the people that you love, and that you choose to be with, is such a gift not only to yourself, but to them. I think about all the years that I spent so focused on trying to be something else, whatever that was in the moment. Thinking about what a gift it is to be able to drop into that true presence of experiencing whatever is happening in front of me. Feeding off that energy, of my own energy, and other people's energy and being in that space.
When I think about codependency and people pleasing, and all of those things that kept me in that stuck place of not being able to be present. Of always thinking about the next ten things, and trying to plan, and meticulously make sure that everybody else around me was okay. In actuality, what I was doing was not helping, to that end. I wasn't able to do those things because you can’t. It comes from the inside, out.
Now on the other side of those things… And honoring, yes. Those are the habits and the pieces of me that have developed over time, and they kept me secure in those moments, the best that they could.
Now, I get to experience this. I'm worthy of experiencing this. And it's so much better for me and everybody around me when I'm present, when I'm there, when I show up as me.
Victoria: Wow. Thank you for sharing that. A-#1. I'm thinking about the vital importance of somatics in this work, because somatic practices in bringing us back into the body, help us to source that safety we need internally, to be able to show up in the world and not try to be the puppet master, controller, and the fixer, and the martyr, and the savior in the scene.
To not be in all those roles, but instead to show up, like you said, from our full open heart and our authenticity. And giving from there. You talked about effectively being of service. That everything you give out will come back.
There's a way that, from our codependent thinking, is tit-for-tat, I'm going to take care of you so you'll take care of me when I need it. It's a constant game of who's doing what for whom? And what’s the score around here? Versus, what I'm hearing from you, which is that giving without obligation. Giving because you want to.
Well, I've also seen you become quite the maverick, the brilliant, amazing boundary setter. It's been amazing to see you be like, “And then I set a boundary, and then I set a boundary, and then I set a boundary,” right?
Molly: Yeah, right.
Victoria: And from that boundary of giving, we can be of so much service and can give so much from our overflow, instead of from emptying our cup.
Molly: Absolutely. To that same point, of looking at where was my energy leaking before? And how was I sourcing my safety from elsewhere? And like you said, this somatic work, breathwork, grounding exercises, all the things that we learn inside Anchored: Being able to understand my nervous system. Understand why things were happening the way that they were happening. Why I was having reactions to things the way that I was.
Not demonizing it, but understanding it and saying, okay well, in these moments, if there's a different path you'd like to choose, here's how to come back home to yourself. In a way that feels good. In a way that's going to soothe you, rather than seeking that soothing from somebody else. Because they're also human. And they have their own stuff.
Understanding and coming to learn, and really come to terms with the fact that a lot of my life, I had been seeking somebody else to make me feel safe. Knowing now, as I sit here, fully knowing and believing that I create my safety, and that I am safe with me, is the direct result of all of the work that we did inside Anchored.
All of the coaching, all of the thought work, all of the somatics, being able to get grounded and real and present, is what has allowed me to move in a different direction, and be able to pay that forward. That's what I think is, when I talk about presence, I think of that. I get to be present with myself.
And I get to be present with the people that I choose to surround myself with, in a very different way. I'm not distracted. I'm not coming with an ulterior motive, like you said, that tit-for-tat, what do you owe me kind of a thing. It's open heart; open mind. Here we are.
Victoria: Here we are. Oh, I love that. My cheeks hurt from smiling.
Molly: Mine too.
Victoria: I mean, also, and I will add to what you just said, I think it is once we have that firm belief and knowing in our own capacity to create our internal safety, it's from there that we can coregulate. It's from there that we can ask for what we want and need. But without that old grasping.
Great. So, if I asked you, “Hey, Molly, can we coregulate right now? And if you said, ‘No, I'm not available.’ I now trust that I have that internal strength and that internal love, and I've got my own back to be able to be like, “Cool. Let me go call Leah.” Call a dog from the neighbor.
Molly: Yeah. That's what you taught me, too, of being able to trust your “yes” and trust your “no.” Knowing that when someone says “no,” and when there's a boundary set, it doesn't have to mean anything about you.
Victoria: Nothing at all.
Molly: Being able to look at my life and the places where I was not boundaried, which was, spoiler alert, everywhere… Now, I go, “Okay, well, the people on the other side of this boundary, they may not love it. They may not like that I'm not available for X, Y, Z thing. But that’s neither here nor there, because it's what creates the safety within me.
So, I need that boundary. I need that space. I need that time, whatever it is. To be able to look at it from a space of, it's not that I'm being mean, it's not that I want to be a jerk. It's, I'm not available for that, right. That's probably one of the best phrases that you taught me. I'm not available for that.
It can be applied to so many things. It can be an internal boundary for yourself, too. When you start hearing those thoughts pop up about how you should be doing something, or how this would be the right way to accomplish something, when you're going the other way. Being able to say to yourself, “You know what, I'm not available for that, right now. I'm available for me, in the way that works for me.”
Victoria: Yeah, I say that to my brain, so often. I'm like, “Brain, no, no. Not available for that line of thinking. No, thank you.”
Molly: Not today, honey.
Victoria: “I’m not even going to thought work it. Not today, honey. No thought work needed here.” I don't believe that line of thinking anymore. I understand that my brain’s just pulling out the old card catalog in there of old thoughts. And presenting them to me to see if I want to bite.
Molly: No, no, thank you.
Victoria: No, thank you. I gave at the office, thank you.
Molly: Oh, my goodness.
Victoria: So, what would you say wonderful, Molly, to someone who is having some nervousness or some trepidation about joining the program? Who's like, I've never invested time, energy, money, anything, in just me? And will it work? Well, the nervous…
Molly: …all the questions, all the nerves. Well, I can tell you that I was exactly in that same place. That Vic can attest to the fact that when I got off the call with her, she was like, “Yep, I know. Like, I know.” I just sat there thinking, “How can I do this?” Then, I thought to myself, “How can I not do this?”
Because if you're like me, you've probably spent a lot of time, energy, money, effort in making sure that other people have what they need to take care of themselves. I had never done it either. I had never just said, “This is a thing for me. This is the thing that is next for me.”
I'm somebody that very much gets those sorts of quiet, intuitive hits, where I just know that something is right. That's what I felt when I got on my consultation call with you. But to those people that need to think it over, or learn more, or understand, I would say to you, give yourself what you need to make a decision that is in the best interest of the future version of you.
Thinking about what things can be like, on the other side, even if you don't quite believe that it's available to you, yet. Opening the door to the possibility can give you the opportunity to say “yes” to something that will change your life.
I always say this to anybody that asks me about Anchored and your work, Victoria, I say that it's the best decision I ever made. And I would do it again in a heartbeat. That it is really scary to invest in yourself. It's really scary to say “yes” to something new. You also can trust the process. And trust that there are people that have gone through this program, that are saying the same things that I am, and are on the other side of it saying how transformational it is.
I think that's one of the biggest gifts, is that you get out what you put into it. If you show up, and you're there, and you are ready to, even if it's terrifying, just take it all in. Who knows what can happen for you?
Victoria: Magic can happen.
Molly: Yeah, it can and it's scary and wonderful, heartbreaking and exhilarating, and all of the things. If what you've been doing so far has not been working for you, who's to say this won't?
Victoria: Thank you, Molly.
Molly: Thank you.
Victoria: I think everyone listening should immediately follow you. And, you're amazing work. Sign up for all your everything because you're incredible. Before you share that, anything you want to make sure the good people know about your amazing transformation?
Molly: Gosh, I think the last thing I'll say is, it's an ongoing transformation. It's a daily process of learning, unlearning, unpacking, rebuilding. And the best part of it is, is that it can happen on your own time. Like I said before, it's not a race and you're not in competition with anybody, even yourself.
This work is so powerful. To the point you made earlier, Vic, about the ripple effect; even if thinking of yourself, and you're not quite sure, am I worthy? Am I worth this? Thinking about the ripple effect that it can have in your life, and thinking about how that can move through you and your spheres, give that a think, too. Because that can help put it in perspective, a bit too.
Victoria: It’s a powerful reminder to zoom out. So, where can the amazing people find remarkable you?
Molly: They can find me on the Instagram @mollygoodmancoach, and on my little website at MollyGoodman.com. I'd love to see you there.
Victoria: Yay. Fabulous. Thank you again, Molly, for sharing your experience with folks. And thanks for being part of Anchored, and thank you for letting me be your guide, and walk alongside you on this path. I am humbled, honored and grateful.
Molly: Thank you, I'm more grateful than you know.
Victoria: Thanks for listening, my love. If what Molly shared about her life before Anchored, resonated with you. And, if you want the kind of transformation, and change, and growth that she shared about her life. And, how far she's been able to come around her self-concept, her self-story, managing her mind, her relationships in dating, in life, at work with her family, in love, I mean, it's just all so expansive.
It makes my heart feel so full to hear her talk about it. And if it does the same for you, if you're like, “I'll have what she's having,” then you're going to want to join us for Anchored: Overcoming Codependency.
The next cohort of this small, intimate, when I say small, I mean 25-27 folks outside, max. So, if you are looking for this kind of change, join us in this small, intimate, beautiful, amazing program.
You will get somatic coaching, you will learn nervous system and polyvagal nerditry, so much of it, but you know the way I do; really broken down and taught through a lot of metaphors, because I love a good metaphor. And taught in a way that's really accessible and digestible.
You'll be part of the glorious community that you heard Molly speak about. You'll get to really build deep and profound friendships with folks who really, really get it the way that only we can, right? Only folks who've been in this particular pit of despair can.
Learn more and apply now at VictoriaAlbina.com/anchored. Can't wait to welcome you to the family.
Alright, my beauty let's do it what we do. Gentle hand on your heart, should you feel so moved. And remember, you are safe. You are held. You are love. And when one of us heals, we help heal the world.
Be well my beauty. Talk to you soon.
If you've been enjoying the show and learning a ton, it's time to apply it with my expert guidance, so you can live life with intention, without the anxiety, overwhelm and resentment, so you can get unstuck. You're not going to want to miss the opportunity to join my exclusive intimate group coaching program. So, head on over to VictoriaAlbina.com/masterclass to grab your seat now. See you there; it's going to be a good one!