Ep #225: Live Coaching in Anchored

This is Feminist Wellness, and I’m your host, Nurse Practitioner, Functional Medicine expert, and life coach, Victoria Albina. I’ll show you how to get unstuck, drop the anxiety, perfectionism, and codependency so you can live from your beautiful heart. Welcome, my love; let’s get started.

Hello, hello, my love. My hope this finds you doing so well. The other day in Anchored, we had just the most epic, epic coaching call. I'd say all our calls are pretty epic, because we go deep. That's my thing. I like to deep dive. I like to bring all my somatic experiencing and sensorimotor psychotherapy in a coach training. And all my years of training and experience in coaching to bear on these calls, so that my clients can really feel like each and every week of the six months in Anchored is life changing.

It's so beautiful. It's so amazing. It's so inspiring to watch the folks in Anchored grow. And so, I wanted to share a recent call. Because it's really beautiful to see the power of coaching in action. Or I guess it's a podcast, right? So, to hear it in action. Because so many of us don't know what coaching is like. Before I got coached and became a coach, I didn't get it. I didn't know what it was like.

And I had some trepidation about it, because our brains are built to question and be nervous about things we don't know about or understand. So, I wanted to offer you an opportunity to see the back end of Anchored, to really dive in and experience it for yourself. So, with the direct, specific, and explicit consent of these three members of the Anchored family, my little sailors on the sea of life, I am sharing this call with you.

And yeah, I hope that it's supportive. I hope it's inspiring. I found it really inspiring, and I hope you do too. So, without further ado, here we go, Anchored family.

Victoria Albina: Hello, hello. Let's take a moment and drop in. Just take a little moment I come into presence. So, either closing your beautiful eyes, or simply lowering your gaze, allow ourselves a moment to attune to our breath. A moment to come home to ourselves in the midst of our day. You'll notice, I didn't say a busy day, a hurried day, or a relaxed and chill day. Step out of the duality of labeling and just allow. Just allow.

Attuning to our breath, our heart rate. Asking my perennially favorite question: Where are my feet? Now, I invite you to bring into presence the shape of your heart. What is the shape of your heart today? Is it smooth? Is it jagged? Is it hot and squirming? Cold and collapsed? What is the shape of your heart today?

So, just being present with it, feeling into it, pausing before you assign it meaning, just connecting inwardly. And perhaps, that's where you pause today. Right? With that embodied presence in your own heart. Perhaps mind has curiosity around meaning. And so, you allow yourself to check in with meaning. There's nothing wrong with meaning-making, as long as it's a conscious decision. Yeah.

So, checking in, getting present, exploring the edges of your heart, and giving yourself whatever tenderoni you might want and need today. Whatever sweet love, whatever affirmation, validation, softness, care, and compassion, you may need today. Whatever encouragement, whatever neutrality, just soft presence.

When you're ready, in your own perfect time, thanking your body, thanking your mind, thanking your heart. And either lifting your gaze or opening up those beautiful eyes and coming back. I love [inaudible]. Hi. Hi. Welcome to everyone who came in while we were dropping in. All right.

Speaker 1: Hello, how are you?

Victoria: I’m doing well. How is your demure self yourself today, in your glasses?

Speaker 1: Good. Thank you. I was wondering how I was going to look because I took a shower and just pulled my hair back. And I was like, “How am I going to look, when I look at myself for the first time?”

Victoria: Wonderful as always.

Speaker 1: This is not what I want coaching on, but Genevieve graduates next week. And it's like a very busy week. So, I could tell I'm a little bit stressed, going through lots of work motions, and preparing myself for a couple emotional weeks; family's going to be visiting. All sorts of stuff is going to be happening in the next 10 days. So, it's going to be a biggie.

What I wanted to get coaching on, because I feel like I need more help. Because I'm having this almost a dissociative experience, how I'm approaching dating. And how I'm experiencing it, is that it's very easy for me to create connection with people. And I'm trying to choose people on different criteria than if I'm attracted to them or not. And so, I'm finding it a little bit confusing.

I'm having this experience where it's like, I'm confused whether it's like a yes, it's like meh, it’s definitely not a no, I'm sure that I'm not like doing something that's not okay with me. I have this kind of like, aah. I think there's like some messed up norms in there of like, “A lot of your life is around this pursuit of getting male attention.” And I can see that I like to be wanted, and there's something about that, I enjoy being wanted.

And then there's some confusion in the, “Well, do I want you or am I just kind of like enjoying that you want me? And I don't not want you. But I'm also not that excited about you either.” And I'm kind of leaving some interactions with this feeling of like, “Was that a yes or was that a go-along-with?”

Victoria: So, I think we back it up. “I'm no longer confused about that. Because I'm not looking to fill my cup externally, as much anymore.”

Speaker 1: Right. And in this case, it's like, well, I'm specifically talking about physically here. I'm not like not turned on. My body is not like, “I don't want to do this.” But I'm also not like, “Hell yes, I want to do this next thing.” And then I leave the interaction kind of like, would I have rather of stopped 10 minutes ago? Did I want to go forward? Was I afraid to say… I have this like strange like dissociative feeling where I'm like, “What just happened for the last 10 minutes? And where was I?”

I feel a tiny bit disconnected. And a little like, in this space, I'm not fully in myself and in my body, you know? And things are kind of just happening. And I'm not fully like in my power, in a way that like I'm not in other places in my life.

Victoria: Are you actually dissociating?

Speaker 1: Well, I'd say the only time that this is happening is like when I'm like newly dating someone, like newly getting to know someone. Yeah. It's like, there's something about. You know, I'll notice that I'm like, “Well, I'm not not into this. So, let's see what happens.” And then later on, I'm like, “I wish we would have, you know, cut that off 10 minutes earlier.” You know, we were rushing, I had to go somewhere. That's not how I would have wanted to do that.

Which, then I can't tell, that a judgment of you know, it's like I'm getting in this really kind of confused space. And I've tried to like meditate about it. I've tried to kind of get more clarity and I feel like I'm like in this strange like, disembodied space about that. That I'm just not clear. And it only in the newly dating, like newly getting-to-know-someone space. You know, newly getting physical with someone’s space, that I'm like, “Well, I'm not not into this, let’s see.”

Victoria: But you're not into into it.

Speaker 1: Yeah, it's definitely not like a hard yes. Like I'm just clear it's not a hard No.

Victoria: Yeah. Which, three cheers for that. Right? That you can feel when it is a hard no. Like that's huge. That you now have that wisdom. You have connection with that wisdom that says what a hard yes and a hard no is. And it makes sense that sort of discerning into the gray is the next place for work. Right? That makes sense. But just to pause there. Right, like, “Cool. Like, I get why you're paused.” So, feeling into that gray.

So, you said it's only when you're newly dating someone. So, what about when you've been with someone for a while?

Speaker 1: I feel like, when I've been with someone for a while, I'm much more confident. I feel a lot more like I'm owning my sexual desires, my sexuality, what I like, what I don't like. And I've made so much progress in that space. But I think that's part of what's a little bit confusing, is because I'll leave this interaction like, it feels a little bit like this regression of just like going along with something when you were kind of like, “Yeah… Well…”

It felt like teenage, middle school, making out. That was kind of like, “Meh,” what was I doing right there? Nothing about that felt like empowered or anything. And then like I said, I can't tell if that's like thought work, where I'm judging something. Versus there really was a moment of, if I was being kind of in my body, and I wasn't worried about kind of, like, Oh, I like that this person is desiring me. And even though at this moment, I would like to stop. I'm prioritizing that I like their desire, more than I'm prioritizing my desire to say, “Hey, we only have 10 more minutes. So, let's stop right here. Because I’ve got to go.”

Victoria: How old is the part of you that keeps you from speaking up?

Speaker 1: I mean, because I said a teenage make out session, I think it's like a teenage part of me that's like, “Oh, you know, you got here, you've got their attention. Like, don't lose it.”

Victoria: Right. Is it possible to get in touch with that teenage version of you?

Speaker 1: I think so.

Victoria: Let's see what that's like. See if you can get in touch with her right now.

Speaker 1: Oh, gosh.

Victoria: Oh, yeah?

Speaker 1: Yeah. Okay, I got like, immediate download of information.

Victoria: All right. What did we learn there, Tiger?

Speaker 1: Okay, well, so teenage version of me, I had a lot of, like, judgments that were put on me. Like, nobody buys the cow if you give the milk away for free. Lots of like, you don't do that. Right? And then, I also had, you know, a long-term boyfriend who was very desirable to other girls.

And I got like, a lot of feedback of like, “You're going to lose him because you're not doing what he wants you to do.” And so, it was like this constant push and pull of like, doing just enough, but not everything. So that I could keep like both sides happy.

And, you know, we went out for a long time, and I did not lose my virginity. Like, my girlfriends were making fun of me, by the time we had sex. Like my girlfriends were pressuring me. And nothing about it was for me, and then once we actually had sex, like I lost all of the things I liked. And all we did was have intercourse. Like we did not kiss, we did not make out, we did not do anything once we had sex.

Yeah, it was like two minutes done, that was it. And then I think all the things that I actually liked about; the making out; the exploring each other; everything that was fun, like went away the second that we had intercourse. Okay, so now I'm actually super clear on that it wasn't that I didn't want to on Friday night, it was definitely the judgment afterwards.

Because we happened to be like, on the couch in the living room, it like reminded me of like, teenage like making out. It's kind of like bringing back more of this experience of… I really can feel that connection of like, teenage, I was doing something wrong, I'm going to get in trouble. Like it was something dirty and wrong, and like, we're rushing because we're going to get caught, because we're doing something we're not supposed to be doing.

Versus we are two adults doing whatever we wanted to do. And we chose to take advantage of the 10 extra minutes we had. Versus like, we're rushing. So, like, I can really see now that it was the after judgment, and like the feelings that it brought up. Not that I disassociated in the moment. Because I actually did stop a few times, and then chose like, “We have 5 more minutes.”

Victoria: Where does that agency, that choosing, where do you feel that in your body?

Speaker 1: I mean, it's like totally like, it's kind of integrated and here, versus like, you know, when I felt that teenage thing. It was this shame thing where my shoulders kind of came in and my head was kind of down and forward, like shameful. The choosing is kind of this like, “I'm open. I've like taken a breath. My lungs are open.” And it's like, you know, it's an actual, like, a choice.

Victoria: Yeah, making a heart choice.

Speaker 1: Yeah. It's not like all constricted, versus like shoulders closed type of thing.

Victoria: Collapsed, contracted posture; the teenage one.

Speaker 1: And for sure, like, there was some old story of like, you know, he's going to judge you because of how you let someone, if you don't make them go through all these hoops of how… Then you're going to get judged this certain way. That just definitely became clear, that that was part of the concern that was in my mind.

Victoria: Is that concern also in your body?

Speaker 1: No, it's just really in my head. It's a thought that doesn't serve me.

Victoria: Not anymore.

Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure. Thank you, Grandma Rauscher.

Victoria: Thanks for that thought. Yeah.

Speaker 1: Thank you.

Victoria: So, I'm curious, then, what that ‘teenage you’ might need, so that she can shift her posture from that collapsed to the expansive. I see, when you're moving into that agency in your chest, like at heart center, you're expanding. And I'm wondering what we could do for her? What you could show her, tell her?

Speaker 1: Yeah, well, it seems important that that ‘teenage me’, like I've never really thought about this before, but it kind of seems important that that ‘teenage me’ hears that it was like, okay, that she wanted to wait. There's the message I'm hearing is like, “You're not going to lose what was meant for you. You don't have anything to keep anyone? And if, you know, you're not going to lose what was meant for you.”

So, it seems more than just about sex, you know? And just kind of remembering, like, how much I've learned about just, you know, asking for what I want, receiving what I want. Like, I've just learned a lot about that. And that I have the ability to do that in a way that I didn't have that.

Victoria: Yeah. How does she feel hearing this message? This wisdom from adult you?

Speaker 1: I mean, definitely, like a really at ease. Like when, you know, when I was like, “Oh, I think I’ll get in touch with teenage me.” Like, I had this immediate feeling of like, “Oh, fuck, like, shit. Wow, that was more than I expected.” Like, more freaked out than I expected. And now just kind of like, “Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, we can be integrated with each other. And we can kind of coexist as an evolution of  one another.”

Victoria: “We can coexist as an evolution of one another.” Beautiful. And I love what I'm hearing in there, is you really extolling her virtues. Right? Like you're not negating, right? You're not like, “Eww, shut up kid.” Right? You're like, “Yeah, we're just evolving together.” We're walking each other home. Right? Throw a little Ram Dass in there, whenever possible.

And so, I'm wondering then, to sort of shift the map in your physiology, when you see her, are her shoulder still rounded? Is she in that slumped, shame posture still?

Speaker 1: You know, I actually, I see that less. Because I feel like validating that she knew that she wasn't ready back then, is actually really empowering for her. You know? Because, like, honestly, when I had sex, it shifted a power dynamic with this person, that set a whole bunch of shit and dynamic in motion, that was not good. And there was an intuition that, like, I was not ready for that.

And I think kind of validating that, is important, you know, for her, and then also validating that there is no shame. You know, there is no shame in sex. And there is no shame in being a sexual being. And that part, I think, has already been like… Well, of course, you can still have these moments where those stories come back for you. But I think I'm working on that in many ways, and have been for the last few years. And that's also when, you know, it helps her stand.

Victoria: And is there anything she wants or needs around her posture, right now? Like, would it be helpful to run your hand on her spine, sort of, you know, like a yoga adjustment, right? Just to like, adjust her chest upward. She might not want that.

Speaker 1: So, I kind of asked and tuned in a little bit, and what I heard was just part of why this happens, is just, you know, no breathing, complete contraction, like just the protection walled off. And then, I just kind of put my hand here and I just was saying, like, “Breathe, baby, breathe. You know, it's like, it's okay. You can breathe.” It was like a little bit of like, “Let's just kind of coregulate together, you can breathe.” And that just felt super calming for me, for her.

And it reminded me also of like, you know, Genevieve, when she gets like, dysregulated like, she can't breathe. That's what it was feeling like, she just can't breathe.

Victoria: Hmm. Yeah. How would it feel to take a really big deep breath with her right now?

Speaker 1: Good.

Victoria: Yeah. I also wonder, this just crossed my mind, let's see how it lands. If offering her a tool to support breathing, like, using our “vu” sound, right? That foghorn sound, that calms us out of sympathetic. I wonder if that could be a nice tool for her to have. What does she think?

Speaker 1: I like it?

Victoria: Yeah? Okay. Shall we try it together?

Speaker 1: Sure.

Victoria: Okay, so we're going to take a breath in. And I invite the whole family to join us here, and breathe in. And we're going to breathe out and make a “vu” sound, like a foghorn. And let the “u” go until there's no air in your lungs. So, breathing in and out. “Vu”.

Good. I'm curious what she might say, if you asked her if she feels like you're her ally right now.

Speaker 1: Definitely.

Victoria: Definitely.

Speaker 1: Hell ya.

Victoria: Yeah, right on. Beautiful.

Speaker 1: Yeah. And I also like, just heard this, like, you know, like, “Stop trying to figure it out. You're doing something different. Stop trying to figure it out. It will all… Just keep going.”

Victoria: Yeah, yeah. The less I try to figure it out using my brain, the more I come into presence, and just let myself be with it, the more better it turns out.

Speaker 1: It's much more better.

Victoria: Oh, please, every single day. Like, “Let me find more better, right now.” Right? And the pathway through is always intentional presence. Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Speaker 1: Thank you. I wasn’t expecting that. That's why I asked for help. Because I was like, there's something, I'm not sure. Thank you.

Victoria: Always such a pleasure. Thank you for asking for support and coaching. Thank you. All right, family. We got new family members today. It's very exciting. So excited to welcome them today. Alright, so I'm going to bring Speaker 2 up for some coaching. Yeah, yeah, yeay.

Speaker 2: Hi. So, one thing that came up, that's huge, that was said between your conversation was, she said, like her teenage person said, or she's telling her teenage person, “It's okay to wait. You won't lose what's meant for you.” And I went, “Oh my gosh,” that message, I felt, was meant for me in this situation. So, here's why I want to bring it up.

So, I'm going to be a grandmother any moment now, and it's very exciting. And my son and his partner have said… I would just check in with them, you know, like, not every single day, but a little bit, and just say, “Hey, how's it going? Maybe today's the day?”

Well, my son, last week, texted me and he says, “My partner would appreciate you not communicating with us because she's feeling anxious about…” You know, and I get that. Like, they want their time and everything else. But they've also said, “We don't want anyone at the hospital. You don't get to see the baby for a month, because we're concerned about RSV, and you know, the baby getting infected.”

In my mind, I understand all of those. They're the parents. They are cheering for their baby. They want all of that. But as a grandmother, I only have one son. I think, to kind of get to the issue is, what inner child part of me is feeling that I'm going to lose him. You know, like, something's being taken away from me.

I'm not sure what age person is having that feeling. Maybe that's what we can explore here? That feels like something is going to be a loss, a grief. And I love that message that I'm not going to lose anything here. I'm not being pushed away or rejected. It feels like it. There is an inner part of me that feels rejected. My adult ‘me’ feels like, “C’mon, they have good reasons. Really good reasons.” Who is that in there, that's feeling upset about this?

Victoria: Let's find out. So, I'll invite you to close your beautiful eyes, or simply lower your gaze. You know what to do, beauty. You know exactly how to drop right in. And before we go there, would you actually tell me your three favorite things about kayaking?

Speaker 2: Oh, my God. Oh, oh, yes. I've been doing a lot of kayaking over the last few days, also. There is this amazing relationship and trust that can happen with your body when you're on the water. Like, it's your body and your boat and your paddle become one with the environment. And you trust yourself and the water and the environment; you just become one. And then, you have this experience together.

And the difficulty, is you can be going down this rapid and the water is boiling. You and your boat are doing this, and it's like this, and you're like, “I can drown. You can get hit. You can get thrown out.” But when you practice, when you practice doing the things, it's like someone who rides a horse. If you've ever seen someone riding a horse that loves being on a horse, they're one with the horse. It's like that. It's like being one with everything. And it's the most beautiful feeling in the world.

And one thing that happened to me over the weekend, is I'm in a class, a Whitewater II class. So, we're being challenged to do all of this. I went through this really big hole, my kayak went down like this, and I felt myself rolling over. And my body automatically corrected itself. I stayed upright, and it didn't come from here.

Victoria: It came from your body. So, let's pause. And let's get out of your mind and come in to that sensation of trust, that you just described. Where does that live within you, when I say trust? Yeah, where is that?

Speaker 2: Well, I love that I came to the somatic practice. That was my glimmer. Like when you were letting us go to our glimmer. My glimmer was when I was in that moment of flipping over and I corrected myself, I rebalanced. And then right after that, I held up my paddle and I went, “Whoo!” And so, I can go there right now.

Victoria: Let’s go there. Let's go there. Yeah, Speaker 2. Whoo-hoo, look at that huge smile. Your whole body rises up as you step into trust. Feel that trust in your chest, yeah?

Speaker 2: In my belly.

Victoria: Your belly.

Speaker 2: You just glow. Your whole body is just glowing.

Victoria: Yeah, holding on to this; the ease with which you stepped into this profound, the glowing, glimmering, trust that fills your whole body. Holding it close and lightly. I invite you to bring into your presence, what does trust tell you about this situation?

Speaker 2: All will be well, and it's on the path that it needs to go and wants to go.

Victoria: Yeah, I can see emotion coming up on your face. Yes, if there are tears, let them roll. Let yourself be with that. What’s coming up now for you, my love?

Speaker 2: There was a moment when my son graduated from college, and we were living in Michigan at the time. And he said, “Mom, I don't want to live here because I don't want to feel stuck here.” And I said, “Honey, you can pack up your car. And you can drive west, where your heart desires. And I don't want you to feel like you need to stay here for me. Because I'm going to be fine.”

And when I tell that story, I am so much happier for my son and sad for myself. Because this is what a mother who wants an independent child… I want my child to grow up to be a man. I want my child… My son wants to be a father. He's talked about being a father since he was in junior high. And he is going to be an amazing dad.

And so, this loss is just… It's the archetype of the world. This is in every world story. Every culture has this story of a mother needing to let her son become the man he wants to be it and needs to be and wants to be. And that's what this is about. And it's bittersweet. It's lovely. And it's so painful. But joy is, right…. Like, I guess I can trust that.

Victoria: What arises in your body? I can trust that. It's bittersweet. I can trust it. Yeah, baby.

Speaker 2: It's coming right from my heart. Because this is what love feels like for your child. You would give everything for your child. And that's what I'm doing.

Victoria: Oh, sweet, Speaker 2. It's so beautiful. Stepping further into trust. Every time we turn towards trust, we turn away from story of the separation. Right? We turn away from stories that pin us against one another. The story is, “He's keeping me from the baby. She's keeping me from the baby. They’re doing something to me.” Right? Those stories live in a dualistic framework. That's a ‘me against them’. Taking it personally.

And that's what's at the core of our emotional outsourcing. Right? That that tit-for-tat, against-ness, separation. When we step into trust, it allows us to see that yeah, we're all together. We're each just weaving the tapestry of this life together. And they're weaving you quite a little grandbaby.

Speaker 2: Oh, yeah. This is humanity's story. Right? But on a personal level.

Victoria: Yeah, but also, not personal at all.

Speaker 2: No, no.

Victoria: Right. Right. So then, from that view, does it still serve you to call it a loss? And you may still be in a place where like, “Yeah, girl it's it still feels like a loss. I'm not shifted yet. Back up.”

Speaker 2: Well, you know, this is the part that is so exciting. It's really the ending of one chapter. Because to be a grandmother, I mean, yes, I'm closing the cycle of ‘this is what a mother does’. But when you become a grandmother, and you start this new chapter of building this relationship with this lovely, lovely daughter, granddaughter.

And then to think about all of these stories about… I love to hear children that say, “My grandmother was so special to me.” You know, I get to be that person. So, that's the most exciting thing now, to go, “Forget my son and his partner. Like, I have a granddaughter.”

Victoria: Cutie. All right. So, does it still feel like a loss?

Speaker 2: No. It's like, “I am the luckiest grandma in the whole world.”

Victoria: Oh, my. Oh, well, well now.

Speaker 2: And how sweet of you to link it to my kayaking. Like, I would not have thought to go there.

Victoria: Doing my job.

Speaker 2: Well, done, you.

Victoria: Thank you. I'll be here all week, folks.

Speaker 2: Happy tears. These are happy tears.

Victoria: Happy tears. Happy tears. Quite a shift, huh?

Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah.

Victoria: Thank you, Speaker 2. Thank you. Thank you. I bow to you, Speaker 2, for your open heart and your bravery. And to you both of you. We have time, if anyone wants a short coaching. Yeah, beautiful. We've got about 10 minutes. I have a hard stop at the hour today. Hi, wonderful.

Speaker 3: I have a hard stop at the hour, too. So, so great to be here. And I was just feeling like that, yeah, that pressure to put out. You used that language, back in high school; you were putting out. And it was awful. And I was having my own flashbacks as she was talking. But that's for another time.

I also feel like I'm going in a very similar place, space, for dating that she was in. So, this past weekend, I went to Upper Michigan for my niece's high school graduation. And it was my family and extended family. And I have to say, I really enjoyed aunts and uncles and cousins, and loved those people and loved being around to them, and my sister. But my father. So, in a nutshell, this is what happened.

So, my father is a very like cranky, irritable individual, and always has been, and very quick to anger. And so, there was one moment where it was me and my mother and father in the car, and they're constantly, like my mother nagging and my father basically biting my mother's head off. It's like 10 minutes of it. You know, but I was just there, and sort of there not there at the same time.

But I realized that this also sort of continues to hold me back in my search for, if I am ever searching, for a partner again. Is that my father… So, you know, there's so much heavy drinking in Upper Michigan, like it is the heaviest drinking place. This is pounding beers, pounding beers. It's 3:30 in the afternoon, four o'clock, maybe.

We're at this bar in Michigan. And my father and my brother-in-law, because my brother-in-law's a big heavy drinker, too. There’s like shots in a beer, I counted like five shots on Friday afternoon. And my Uncle, who is sort of this upstanding citizen, I saw him… He’s married to my father’s sister, I saw him judging them, right?

I wasn't really judging them so much, as I was noticing. But that Uncle judging was like, I saw it. So, even though I live a long way away and have my own life, there's something about me not wanting to bring a partner into that situation. Like, it’s that child not wanting someone to witness that adult’s behavior. And that adult’s behavior I can't control. And that behavior has been going on my entire life.

Victoria: What do you fear would happen if you took a partner there?

Speaker 3: They would take one look around and be like, run screaming.

Victoria: Is that your person?

Speaker 3: Reject me.

Victoria: Would your person reject you?

Speaker 3: Probably not.

Victoria: I'm just going to come out here in defensive, like protective energy, like mama bear, of like, fuck, no! Your person will say, “Oh, kitten. Yeah, this is rough. Let me love you up harder.” And I am accepting no less for you.

Speaker 3: It was interesting this time to see and watch this behavior and not have my nervous system react. Because in the past, my nervous system would have been reacting. And in this case, I was just watching this right? And I was thinking that I wasn't getting in the car with this man. You know, I was not going to be driving with someone who's been drinking. Everyone was.

They're all like, “Oh, we can give you a ride.” I'm like, “Are you out of your fucking mind? I'm not getting in a car with any of you. You're pounding drinks like there's no tomorrow, right?” And just watching it and just watching my father, I couldn't help but feel very sorry for him. Because that's how he's always been.

And then, we ordered this massive pizza, and he just sat there and just like, ate, like unconsciously, not the whole pizza, but a good third of it, right? And I was just able to just be there. Other times I would come home from a visit and I will be floored for weeks by what I’ve witnessed. And not anymore. You know, so thank you for this program. [Inaudible] that.

And I have to know, I chose my husband in some ways, because I thought he was a safe person to bring into that space. And I can't be worried about whether or not I've chosen a safe person next time, who you know, like I'm so trying to control, I guess. Control the environment, control what they see, or control people that I can't control. You know, an environment that I can't control, an entire region that I can’t control.

Victoria: And it's an understandable desire, right? Particularly for us as kids who felt no friggin control. Like, file under, ‘of course you did’. Right? Like the biggest ‘of course you did’. And so, for me, what's helped me step out of that desire, is to do what we always do. Which is ask what is the wound beneath it? What is the need beneath it? Right? What is the inner child under that desire, really need?

Speaker 3: To be acknowledged. To be attended to by the adults in the room who are half in the bag.

Victoria: Right. So, you're the sober adult in the room. And once you can [inaudible], you can already be that sober adult for yourself. Can, yes. As you continue to practice stepping into that fully, and sort of flex those muscles and build that trust… It seems like trust is a theme for today, right? You build that trust with those little kids inside; they can look to you and not those half in the bag grownups.

And from having your own back in that way, then you pick the partner who can coregulate with you. And that's the magic sauce. That's what's happened in my own life. Sort of looking for others to create a sense of safety for me, I created it for myself so I can cocreate with someone else.

Speaker 3: Thank you.

Victoria: Wow, thank you so much. Thank you for raising your hand and asking to be witnessed and held and attuned to. We are so here for you.

Speaker 3: [Inaudible].

Victoria: I love having you here. I’m so glad you're here.

Thank you so much for listening. Wasn't that incredible? All three of those women just brought it, and did what we do in Anchored. Which is, they were incredibly vulnerable, open hearted, direct, and were able to really tap into the depth of their own lived experience.

And I want to thank them once again for their vulnerability and openness and for agreeing that I could share this recording with you, with the world, for our collective growth. So, thank you, to them. Thank you, to the entire Anchored family for holding us all up. Thank you, to you for listening.

And if you want what they're having, you can have it. The next cohort of Anchored starts June 20, 2023. And it is likely to be the last cohort, probably for about a year, is what we're thinking. No promises. You know, I'm not saying… Like, nothing's written in stone yet. But I'm working on a lot of other really exciting projects, and so Anchored we'll be taking a wee hiatus likely. I will be confirming that very soon.

But if you want in, if you are ready to join the Anchored family, this is it my love. This is the when. So, head on over to VictoriaAlbina.com/Anchored to apply now, to reserve your seat. It is filling up fast. It always sells out, each and every time. It is a very, very small group, like in the 20-something, 30 people, because we keep it really intimate.

You get a lot of one-on-one time with me, which most coaches, master coaches, who run groups like this, don't actually coach in their own groups. But I do, still. And I'm not judging anyone. I'm just saying, if you want to join a group where you actually get the head coach, that's me. You get me. You got tons of time with me.

And I can't wait, I'm really looking forward to meeting you. To welcoming you to the Anchored family, and to working together towards your best and highest good. So, check it out. Read more at VictoriaAlbina.com/Anchored. You can apply there, get on a call with me, or we'll talk about the program, get y'all enrolled, and off we go.

All right, my darlings, I'm sending you tons of love. Let’s do what we do. A gentle hand on your heart, should you feel so moved. And remember, you are safe. You are held. You are loved. And, when one of us heals, we help heal the world. Be well, my beauty. I’ll see you in Anchored, and I’ll talk to you soon.

If you've been enjoying the show and learning a ton, it's time to apply it with my expert guidance, so you can live life with intention. Without the anxiety, overwhelm, and resentment, so you can get unstuck. You're not going to want to miss the opportunity to join my exclusive, intimate, group-coaching program. So, head on over to VictoriaAlbina.com/masterclass to grab your seat now. See you there; it's going to be a good one!