You Don’t Have To (You Get To) Change Your Story
Have you been rolling around in “have-to” stories? Are you feeling burdened by all the things you “have to” do today?
You’re not alone. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the stories of the things you “have to” do—from brushing your teeth or following a specific nutrition plan, to meditating or showing up for work. We can lose sight of our own power and agency to choose to do these things when we’re telling a story that starts with, “I have to.” We can miss out on the joy that comes from recognizing that our “have to’s” might be loving acts of self care. I shifted away from telling a “have-to” story and found peace, love and joy by telling “get-to” stories. You can make that shift too.
We’re going to take a look at these words, “have to” versus “get to.” We’ll dig into how the words we use to describe our lives and choices affect the way we feel about how we’re living.
We can choose to suffer or not. We can find joy in life, despite the situation or circumstances. You have a choice in all the daily activities of life—eating gluten, dairy, sugar, drinking alcohol or coffee, working out, not working out, taking your supplements, your medication or going to work.
When it comes to the story we tell about our lives, the science backs me up. I believe in the cognitive behavioral science-based framework of the think-feel-act cycle. Life happens, we have thoughts about it, and because of our thoughts, we have feelings. We take action based on what we feel and the results we see, or don’t see, in our lives are based on this cycle, which starts with our thoughts.
When we want to change our lives to feel a different way, we “get to” change the way we think about our lives to make a new action possible. We get to write a new story.
Think the same old thoughts—feel the same old ways. Take the same old actions—have the same old results.
If you look at the actions you need to take to get new results and you’re thinking I “have to” work out or eat vegetables then you will feel upset, frustrated, angry or resentful.
That negative thought loop keeps you from a baseline feeling that enables us to take action even when we don’t want to, which is feeling neutral about the action we need to take—not negative or positive.
It’s from that accepting place that we can get shit done in our lives instead of staying in the negative holding pattern of being angry at life.
It’s impossible to take life-affirming action from a negative place. Negativity breeds negativity. Acceptance creates space for new beginnings. To say it quite clearly, the destination will feel just like the journey.
Let’s say you’re like most people in the northern hemisphere. You see summer coming, you think—beach, bikini. You start to feel terrible about yourself, so you starve yourself to lose weight and feel like crap the whole time you’re dropping those 20lbs. Beating yourself up, shaming yourself, et cetera.
It’s unlikely you’ll feel joy and deliverance when the scale gets to a specific number. You’ll likely just find something else to critique yourself about.
Instead, if you decide to shift your nutrition and movement choices from a place of self-love and acceptance and choose to stop buffering with overeating, your journey will feel different.
If you take yourself out for a walk every day because you promised yourself you would and it feels great to learn to trust yourself again, then the journey towards health will feel like a beautiful one.
As these new choices become habits, the destination of being someone who eats in line with their intuition and who moves because it’s life-affirming, will feel like a gift you’ve given yourself rather than a burdensome slog towards that perfect beach body.
We can shift the story of the journey with just a few words to create the space that will allow you to shift your thoughts and feelings.
Then you can take the actions that will get you the results you want in this one precious human life.
Those words are, “have to.”
I see “have to” as an external pressure, something forced upon us, something we don’t own. “Get to” is an internal motivation based in empowerment and agency. “Get to” is by you, for you. Your body, your choices, and you “get to” choose which language works for you, which one serves you.
I know I used to say, “I have to,” all the time with this womp-womp energy. I’d say things like: I’ll be with you guys in a minute, I “have to” meditate. I “have to” work out. I “have to” call that friend back. In doing my daily thought work, I’ve come to see how much my thoughts around self-care and my job as obligations made them feel like a “have-to” versus a “get-to.”
One of the most powerful shifts I’ve made in my health and wellness is to choose a new thought about the things I choose to do, and that starts with recognizing that I can make choices in this life.
I “get to” work out and I “get to” eat food that makes me feel amazing. I “get to” own my part in an argument or disagreement and I “get to” apologize.
I “get to” feel my feelings, to process them through my body and right on out. I “get to” take care of myself, my family, the folks in my care, and that is a massive privilege.
“Get-to,” is a mindset, even when life feels like a set of “have-to’s.”
Only you know whether this is the right framework for you to approach the challenges you face in your life, but it can’t hurt to try to change your story. For most of the folks I work with in my practice, starting to shift your thinking away from “have-to” to “get-to” leads to a sense of freedom and empowerment.
Each moment, you “get to” choose whether this idea is helpful. I want to honor that this concept is complex to put into action. As a mental exercise, it can be helpful for many of us. We each “get to” choose what we want to do and we “get to” recognize when it’s safe and possible to apply this framework.
When it comes to the daily tasks of my life, I “get to” do so many things in order to have a healthy digestion and mental health.
I don’t “have to” do any of these things. I can eat gluten. I can drink alcohol and caffeine. I can skip my meditation and my workout. I can do all of that. There will be consequences, and I can choose to take those consequences on.
As always, my message is one of balance and deep self-love, about listening to your perfect human body and showing up in the healthiest, most checked-in way possible.
Most days, I choose the path that keeps me feeling balanced, sane and well. The path that allows me to show up for myself, for you all, for the people I love. Doing the daily things that keep me well doesn’t feel like a burden when I recognize that I don’t “have to” do any of it, not a single thing—I “get to”, and I’m so grateful.
We can also apply this framework of changing our story beyond the things we actually may want to do to the things that we experience as burdens or challenges.
One of the ways I hear these “have-to” stories showing up the most for my clients is around housework.
I was socialized as a woman and was socialized to clean, to do chores, to be a good little Latina. At some point, a patriarchal story about a clean home being a sign of womanly success got into my head, particularly as a Latinx femme.
My partner, an amazing human, sees housework differently than I do. This was a source of tension for some time because I was coming to the issue with a specific story about how it should be done. As a feminist, I have a lot of thoughts about equal distribution of labor and the importance of cooperation.
I’ve done a lot of thought work on this issue and have come to think about and talk about my own standard for cleanliness, tidiness, et cetera from a place of “get-to” and not “have-to.”
“Have-to” feels terrible and was leading to discord in an otherwise phenomenal relationship.
I’ve come to realize that if I want the house to look a certain way right now, that I “get to” choose to keep things looking how I want them. It doesn’t matter if my partner doesn’t want to do the things I want them to do. They are an adult and they do plenty around the house. They don’t “have to” do anything they don’t want to do and I don’t “have to” get mad about it or frustrated about it.
I changed my thoughts to change the way I feel, which allows me to take action from a place of feeling empowered. Dropping the rock of being annoyed, frustrated, resentful with my partner has opened up such a gorgeous space for us to find compromise and cooperation.
You may be thinking, “Hey, Vic, yeah, so this is cool, but I “have to” feed my kids, I “have to” pay my taxes, I “have to” go to work.” But the truth is, you don’t. You can choose not to feed your kids or look after them, but you might lose them pretty quickly one way or another. You don’t “have to” pay your taxes, but why don’t you ask Al Capone how that one works out? Probably not a great plan.
There are consequences for not doing certain things in our lives, for sure, but that “have-to” energy sucks. It sucks the life, joy, peace and calm out of your life.
We “get to” pause and go back to the science.
Folks who choose to sit in gratitude have reduced levels of circulating cortisol, less stress chemicals in their body, and have less incidents of everything from heart attack to cancer.
Gratitude is a beautiful practice, and when you sit in the “get-to” the gratitude just flows.
It’s that simple.
As humans socialized as women, we’re told the story that there are a thousand things that we “have to” do—be thin, be pretty, remove the hair that nature puts on our bodies, make children and raise them, not speak up in meetings lest you upset the boss, not rock the boat at home by asking for what you want, not own your sexuality and be a good girl. I call BS on all of that.
You “get to” do what you want to do for your own life. No one else gets to write your story. If you don’t want to do a task, you don’t “have to” do it. If you don’t want to shave your legs or your underarms, don’t. Just know that someone might say something about it, and that’s cool. That’s just them voicing their thoughts about your body and you don’t “have to” make it mean anything.
Meanwhile, if you want to shave or wax or whatever, go for it. Again, your body, your choices, your story. I want to invite you to ask yourself, when you’re feeling annoyed by a task, find yourself buffering against doing or feeling something, spiritually bypassing a sensation provoked by your thoughts:
Ask yourself, is this something I truly “have to” do? Is that a fact? Or do I “get to” do whatever the thing is?
Can I find a way to hate doing it just a little bit less just for today? Could hating it a little bit less open up some space to just get it done?
If you decide that you don’t want to clean up someone else’s mess, don’t want to do your job, eat vegetables or skip the gluten, remember that you don’t “have to”. But if you choose to, do so without resentment, recrimination, anger at yourself or others.
You made that choice as an empowered adult human. Own it, my love. I hope that this new framework is helpful for you. I want you to feel so amazing in your body. I want you to feel so healthy, strong, happy, and well.
You “get to” choose what that means for you and how you want to get there.
Completing self-care tasks by grumpily checking things off a list is unlikely to get you the joy and confidence-filled life of your dreams.
Take a deep breath, you got this, and you “get to” live your life to the fullest. Breathe into those moments where you hear yourself saying, “have to,” give yourself a little love. It’s just an old habit. See if you can shake yourself free from those old thoughts and shift it to see where you “get to”.
Thank you for taking the time to read Feminist Wellness. I’m excited to be here and to help you take back your health!
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