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Ep #76: Acceptance and Closure

Acceptance and Closure

Welcome to the final installment of my mini-series on apologizing. Over the last few weeks, we’ve taken a really deep dive into the anatomy of apologies and mastering the language of apologies, and today, I’ll be sharing what to do if someone won’t accept your apology, how to accept an apology yourself, and how to give yourself closure when you don’t get the apology you want.

What do we do when we’ve done our work to clean up our side of the street and make amends but the other person can’t accept our apology? I’ll be sharing the rule of threes that I like to implement in this case, as well as two directions we often go in when we’re living with codependent, perfectionist, and people-pleasing thought habits (and the remedies to these thought habits, babes. I got you).

Tune in today as I show you the classic move for codependent thinkers when their apology isn’t accepted and the steps you can take when an apology is given to you. Closure is a huge element in wrapping up this topic, and so I’ll be showing you how to give it to yourself and why this is entirely possible.

Let’s connect! Send a text message to 917-540-8447 and drop your email address in there and we’ll send you a present. I love giving you all presents and connecting in more ways, so get on it!

If these topics I share with you here on the podcast resonate for you and you want to work with me, you have a chance coming up soon as I open up enrollment for my six-month master class, The Feminist Wellness Guide to Overcoming Codependency. We start in the fall, so click here to complete a short application!

As a special thank you for leaving a rating and review about the show on Apple Podcasts, I have a whole suite of meditations to send your way. They cover boundary setting, inner child healing, and grounding yourself in your body. Click here to get them!


What You’ll Learn:

  • What to do if someone won’t accept your apology.
  • A recap of the 6 steps to apologizing.
  • The rule of threes that I like to implement when someone won’t accept an apology.
  • How to accept an apology.
  • 2 directions that can be tempting to go in receiving an apology, and the remedies to these thought habits.
  • A classic move for codependent thinkers when their apology isn’t accepted.
  • How to give yourself closure when the apology you want doesn’t come.
  • Why you can find closure within yourself without getting an apology at all.

Listen to the Full Episode:

Featured on the Show:

 

Full Episode Transcript:

 

In this, our final episode in this mini-series on apologies and apologizing, we talk about what to do if someone won’t accept your apology, how to accept an apology, and finally, how to give yourself closure when that apology you dream of is just not forthcoming.

This is a huge topic for those of us living with codependent, perfectionist, and people-pleasing thought habits because our egos and our sense of self can get so wrapped up in those two little words, “I’m sorry.” If this is resonating for you, my tender love, if you want some support around these important issues, keep listening. It’s going to be a good one.

You’re listening to Feminist Wellness, the only podcast that combines functional medicine, life coaching, and feminism to teach smart women how to reclaim their power and restore their health! Here’s your host, Nurse Practitioner, Functional Medicine Expert, Herbalist and Life Coach, Victoria Albina.

Hello, hello my love. I hope this finds you doing so well. It is so hot here in New York City. Every day I’m like, okay, I have sweat all that a human can sweat in a given day, and then the next day I manage to sweat more. At least I know my detoxification pathways are doing their job. Sweating it all out.

We have been doing this super fun thing. So we have this little roof deck and it’s six flights above New York City. No elevator. Just saying that out loud. But we have been going up there to work because both of us like being outdoors more than we like being indoors, and at least there’s a breeze and it’s kind of nice to be up there.

But you guys, it’s hot. So we’ve been filling planters, we’ve been lining them with plastic bags. We’ve been reusing the same one, don’t worry, we’re being ecologically minded, and filling it with water and just sitting there for hours with our feet in cold water.

A listener DM’ed me that she recommended putting lavender and peppermint in there, so I’ve put those two essential oils in and I got to tell you, it so upped the cooling factor, so hats off to her. Thank you for that. And you know, we’re just mammals, just mammaling along in this heat during a pandemic, during a revolution. Just doing.

So my goodness, what a journey we’ve taken together talking about and thinking about apologies. And I will say, you know how much I value collective healing and being connected around this work because these thought patterns, codependency, people pleasing, perfectionism, they are so isolating.

They leave you feeling like you’re the only person in the world who thinks and feels this way, and you’re all alone on an island with these super tragic thoughts. And it’s just not true. We’re in this together babes, and I have loved hearing from you all.

Those of you listening in with your kids, those of you finding the courage to apologize, those of you learning how to tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy scenarios, some of which merit an apology and some don’t, it’s just been so lovely. Please keep connecting. It is just dreamy when you DM me, follow me on the Instagram, @victoriaalbinawellness over there. Drop me an email at podcast@victoriaalbina.com.

And texting. So fun. It’s so fun. I almost forgot to tell you about it. So you can send me a text to 917-540-8447 and this is a free service. You get lots of little love notes from me. And if you want to drop me your email through that text message service, I will send you my meditation downloads for free because I love you, because you matter.

So today, we’re going to talk about what to do if you apologize and the other person just isn’t having it, how to accept an apology, and we’re going to talk about closure and what to do if that I’m sorry you’re looking for just doesn’t come.

So here we go. Let’s talk about what to do when the person to whom you are apologizing is not having it. So you’ve gone through all the steps of apologizing. You have one, expressed your intent to apologize and started with a thank you. Two, explained briefly what went wrong. Three, taken responsibility. Four, expressed your sorrow, apology, regret. Five, offered a way to repair the harm. And six, have asked if the person is ready to forgive you.

Now is when we usually hold our breath and hope that the other person will say, “Of course, it’s all good, no worries.” But in reality, that doesn’t always happen. So then we take our ball and we go home. Just kidding. Don’t do that. When the person we’ve apologized to is not ready to accept the apology, we get to be the ones who go into acceptance mode.

When we have done our work to clean up our side of the street and make amends and for whatever reason, the other person can’t meet us where we are, our first job is to remember it’s not about you. The other person, the person who has experienced harm has their own set of thoughts, beliefs, values, and experiences. Their own thought protocols going through their mind.

And if the apology isn’t sitting right with them, that’s their prerogative. You have done your job and if you can, with confidence, know that you have done your best and the ball is no longer in your court. You get to accept that the other person isn’t where you are and you get to give them space and to honor their need for that, their boundary.

I’ll say it again. Give them space, my love. You can be sad or hurt or frustrated, but that isn’t the other person’s problem to deal with. It’s not theirs to manage. When they have been harmed and not ready to accept the apology, they get the gift of space.

You have no idea what’s going through their minds, bodies, spirit, heart, and it’s really none of your business anyway. So when we apologize and that apology isn’t accepted, we start by giving the other person the time and space to process in their own way.

Since part of giving a true and sincere apology involves offering ways to repair the harm, we get to follow through on that. There can be a temptation to say, “You won’t accept my apology? Well, then forget you, I take it back.” And this is such a classic move for codependent thinkers.

So what happens is we get super vulnerable and then we get scared when we’re not received exactly how we wanted to be, however we expect it to be, and so we react from that scared inner child place. Baby, it makes perfect sense. And I get it, and I’ve totally been there.

And my sweet love, the only person you are hurting with words like that is yourself. You have done the hard work in making that apology, so do not take it back out loud or in your own heart. Your apology is a symbol, a symbol of your care, of your hope to make things right, a symbol of your desire to grow and to grow together in relationship.

A symbol of how much you value your connection with this other mammal. Just because the other person needs more time to take that in, needs more words, needs the apology repeated, my beauty, that doesn’t take anything away from you. Does it feel icky, uncomfortable? Sure, of course it does.

Will you want to check your phone every 14 seconds to see if they’ve reached out to let you off the proverbial hook? Duh. We are humans and being a human is challenging. But when we can start to work on our thought patterns and here, we’re seeing thought patterns, thought habits around wanting other people to be happy for us to be happy, you see how that’s what’s happening?

When you can see that, you can shift how you experience reality. You can feel better, stronger, and more confident in who you are and the choices you make. Would it be awesome for people to accept your apology right off the bat? Sure. It would feel good in the short-term, but my love, then how would you learn? How would you get to grow into stronger relationships if you didn’t get that feedback? If you didn’t get the opportunity to sit in the discomfort of someone else being uncomfortable in relationship to you and what you said or did.

When someone isn’t ready to accept your apology, you get to give them space. And you then get to work to make the changes that you said you would. Maybe it means you do more to help around the house or maybe you’re more mindful of your colleagues’ pronouns, or maybe you ask before dispensing advice, which we talked all about in episodes 27 and 28 around emotional consent.

Baby, you get to do whatever you said you were going to do to repair that harm, and you get to get to work on it. Once you’ve done that, you can circle back to either check in or to apologize again. No author publishes their first draft. If your apology didn’t sit right with the other person, again, for whatever the reason, you get to accept that and to do your work to show that you are putting the effort in to make amends, to make that change.

And you can then circle back to see if the other person is ready to accept your apology. And I recommend this as a thoughtful step, even when the person immediately says, “That’s cool, I accept your apology.” It never hurts to check in the next day to see if they want to talk more.

Okay, so for example, let’s say you made what you thought was an innocent joke about a friend’s partner, but it didn’t land so well. And they’re telling you they’re upset. So you do the work of apologizing, you do those six steps we’ve discussed, and the other person is not ready to accept the apology.

So you give them space and time, you do the work of being mindful of your words, speaking the truths that help, rather than hurt, and then you can approach them again. You might say, “I want to apologize again for what I said about your partner. I know those words hurt you, and I really appreciate your telling me about me and I’m really sorry. I’ve been working hard to speak more mindfully and to think about how my words affect others. I wonder if you’re ready to accept my apology.”

This is intentional. Asking other people to forgive us is asking them to put in the effort. It’s asking for their labor and their absolution. We ask instead for them to accept our apology as a way of saying that they see that we’re working hard to make things right and are ready to enter back into a relationship with us with more trust.

Let’s say you’ve done all that and the other person still isn’t having it. Well, there’s no right answer here because every situation is different and every relationship has its own quirks. But I like the rule of threes. You’ve apologized once and it didn’t go how you’d hoped. Okay, accept it, give space, make the changes you committed to, and try for apology number two.

Still a no go? Deep breath, acceptance, space, more time, and then you can try for apology number three. If that one also goes nowhere, I would suggest that you let it go. But like, really in your heart let it go. Assuming you have made three sincere, honest, wholehearted efforts to apologize and if the other person can’t accept the apology, that is what it is, my beauty.

You can know that you’ve done your best from a loving place. The closure in this situation needs to come from within. You get to do the work on yourself to make sure that you have acknowledged your part and the other person’s harm without harming yourself.

You get to adjust your words or behaviors going forward to ensure stronger relationships. You get to grow and change, which is what this whole being a human thing is all about. What is so important right now is to remember that when we are in this apologies world, we get to tune into our spidey senses.

We get to be on guard for manipulation and codependency. If we’re in relationships where those two things are the norm, the story may change. That is, we get to be super aware of how we are relating to others and any manipulation they may be attempting to engage in so we can stay firmly grounded in our sense of self.

A client told me about a recent event while she was visiting her parents’ home. Her mother had asked her to change some of the linens and to make the bed for family coming to visit from out of town. After doing her best to prepare the rooms, her mother huffed in and undid all of her work. Changed all of the sheets and put different linens on all of the beds. But like, every single one.

And her mom also added comments like, “Don’t you know what sheets we use for guests?” This was not a one-off and my client was able to see how this was a pattern of control and attempted manipulation in which her work was criticized and undone. Especially in this situation which she’d been given no specific directions about how to do it in the way that her mother thought was correct.

So two important points here my darlings. My client, let’s call her Martha, can absolutely do thought work about this situation to not let it bother her, to not take it personally, and that’s what we worked on in our session, like totally and for sure. And we’re talking about apologies here. So Martha felt this desire deep within her that came from her socialization as this woman’s daughter, she felt her training to always apologize rear its head.

And here, does Martha need to apologize? I’m going to give that one a hard no. And absolutely my beauties, this can be tricky and nuanced but it’s so important. When the words we have said or the actions we have taken harm others, yes, we get to apologize, regardless of what we believe for ourselves.

Like if you were to flip the thing around and you can see that I can do my own thought work about this and so I could look at the circumstance, thought, feeling, action, result, and I wouldn’t be upset, but that’s not what happened. So if someone else is saying you’ve done something wrong, because we’re loving humans in the world, we can apologize.

But in this situation with Martha, she was set up for a fall. So it’s a different ball of wax altogether. How do I identify and deal with this sort of manipulation, gaslighting? This could provide content for about a billion podcast episodes. But the quick hit is that this kind of attempt to manipulate is real.

Codependent thinking is real and while we need to apologize for true harms, for real harms, not those that are setups, to make other people feel better by putting you down. So Martha practiced saying, “Okay mom, thanks for letting me know you wanted it done differently.” Instead of, “Oh, sorry,” which was her ingrained impulse.

She had been trained to apologize for these sorts of things. And Martha felt better about herself in the situation, knowing she actually had nothing to give a real or false apology for here. She had actually done nothing wrong.

Now, while we’re talking about closure, we need to address something that we haven’t talked about as much in this mini-series. What to do when we are the ones on the receiving end of an apology or we aren’t, but we think that we should be.

We did address a little bit of how to accept an apology in our episode on language, but let’s hang out here for a second longer because it’s really important. When you are feeling uneasy, upset, hurt, offended, you get to check in with yourself about what you’re thinking that’s creating those feelings for yourself.

You get to do the work to see what your own mind is doing and saying, what old stories about yourself, your place in the world, your relationship to other people, your worth, your value you may have on repeat. And then you get to decide what you need. Maybe you need an apology or you want that, or maybe you really need to pause to step away and to do some thought work on your own, to manage your mind around whatever happened, whatever manual or expectations you may have for that other person in that moment.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about with the manual here, we talked all about manuals and expectations way back in episode 20, so listen to that one next. If what someone said or did to you hurt you and then they come to you to apologize, you get to decide whether or not you are ready to accept that apology.

You get to decide if you say, “It’s okay,” or if you say, “Thank you for apologizing.” And there’s a big difference between those two statements. Feel into them. Oh, it’s okay, or thank you for apologizing. It’s good to remember that when someone is apologizing, their nervous system is working overtime.

While yes, we get to and really need to be honest about our relationships and what we need and where our boundaries are, when we’re talking to someone else who’s trying to come to correct to us, another human just human-ing along and trying to do their best, we can also extend some grace and some love.

So in receiving an apology, it can be tempting to go in one of two directions. One, the cousin of false apologizing, which we talked about in the last few episodes, is false forgiveness, which is a classic move in codependency and people pleasing because we want people to like us and to not feel anything negative in our general vicinity, even and sometimes especially when we feel they F-ed up.

So we just say, “Oh, it’s okay,” when it’s really not okay. When we are hurt and need more than a pat, I’m sorry. It’s a false forgiveness because it’s not coming from actually forgiving and moving on. It’s coming from the desire to avoid conflict, to sweep it under the rug, to move on, and that serves no one.

Two, another option is to globalize, to make it all so big, to bring in all the hurts from the last 20 years to bear on this one moment, which may sound like, “Sure, you’re sorry for that, but what about all the other times? What about three weeks ago? What about that time in Vegas?” Et cetera.

The remedies to both of these thought habits are to stay present in the moment and to tune into your body and your true needs. You can always go with, “Thank you for apologizing,” while you’re working on not betraying your own needs or sort of ignoring what you really want by false forgiveness.

You can tell the other person, “I accept your apology and I want to talk about how we can prevent this from happening again,” and then you get to speak your piece and to tell that other person what you need or where your boundaries are.

One thing at a time though, my darling. Stick to the issue at hand and pull your brain back from its attempts to globalize or to make one thing about all the things. While also noticing patterns of behavior which are super important to acknowledge and address, like if someone gets chronically offensive, defensive, insults you, or whatever behavior pattern doesn’t work for you.

Here is another opportunity to stay in your own space. Just like sometimes the other person isn’t ready to accept our apologies and we need to give them space and time, sometimes the person whose words or actions caused us harm aren’t ready to hear our feedback and suggestions.

Keep breathing my love, you’re doing great. Most folks are doing their best, including you. So on the topic of closure, let’s check out another scenario. The oh so common the bastard’s done me wrong, where is my apology? All of us, if we wanted to, can list the oh so many times we’re owed an apology and didn’t get it.

When our brains were telling that story, “You have done me wrong and I deserve words.” So what do we do with that? Well, we do our thought about work about it. We take a look at this story to see if we like the reason why we feel we are owed an apology, to see if it’s really what we want or if we actually want some self-love and self-care.

I don’t know the answer for you, and for me, sometimes it’s one and sometimes it’s another. Sometimes I’m projecting my own insecurity or worry onto someone else, and feel I am owed an apology, when I really just need to back up and look at my own thoughts and where I’m rolling around in my misery.

And sometimes I do my thought work and I say, “Yes, there was a harm here, let’s discuss.” So we can go to the person who we feel harmed us and we can demand that apology. Sometimes it works, often it doesn’t. Or we can do the thought work to find our way towards closure without the apology at all.

Yup, I said it. You can find closure within yourself without getting an apology at all. Is this concept new to you? Maybe. Is it challenging? You bet. But most things worth doing are challenging and stretch us to see ourselves in the world differently.

So here’s some raw truth about that mea culpa that you want from that person who did you wrong and doesn’t seem to know or care or notice. On some level, the healthiest thing to do may be to accept that in all likelihood, you’re never going to get the apology you want from them and living in the hopes of them apologizing, carrying around the raw wound that is resentment is unlikely to get you the peace of mind or heart that you want.

My beauty, my sweet tender kitten, the closure you’re looking for lives within you. And yes again, that is super challenging, and yes, I want everyone in the world to own their F-ups and to apologize and to be responsible emotional adults, but it’s just not always the case.

So you get to take back your life. Not to sit around waiting for someone else to make it better. You get to make it better for you in your own mind. And does that mean that the other person isn’t responsible for what they did? Are they off the proverbial hook and are declared blameless? Do you have to ever trust them again?

No, no, and no. Absolutely not. But you do get to stop wishing and dreaming and hoping that the person who did you harm will come correct you because that keeps you stuck in thinking and feeling that you’ll only feel right in the world once they utter the magical words, “I’m sorry, I apologize,” and that just isn’t so.

The fundamental truth that underlies this idea that you do not in fact need an apology for closure is that you create your own thoughts. Not anyone else. When we feel hurt or slighted, it’s because of what someone said or did intersected in a not so awesome way with our thoughts, with our feelings, our morals, our ethics, our emotional landscape, our inner children.

And that in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. There’s nothing pathological about being a person whose feelings get hurt. I have feelings and they get hurt all the time, especially when something touches a tender old wound. That’s just human.

What I hope to help you understand is that when we are harmed and we wait on someone else to apologize, we are giving our power away. Let’s say someone calls you a racist or xenophobic name. That bumps up against your ideas of racial equality, how we treat other people, humanity, your moral compass around identity-based discrimination, and it hurts.

It hurts a lot because those words are enough no matter how you understand your reality. Those words hurt and for a good reason. And sure, I mean, you could say if only I weren’t allergic to racism, that wouldn’t have hurt. But like, baby, that’s not a helpful use of thought work in my book.

Our morality, our sense of justice, let’s not be so quick to give those up. When I was in high school, and this just popped into my brain, I remember a classmate, and this is a real story, who didn’t – I’ve always been good at accents, so even though English is my second language, I speak English with I guess an American accent.

I’m not going to embarrass myself by doing other accents, but my Irish is very good and in Spanish, my Mexican accent’s great. My Puerto Rican is not super great, but I could work on it. I live in New York. But point is, I don’t have much of an accent in English and I definitely don’t have the accent that my parents have.

So this woman, girl, we were in high school, she didn’t know I was an immigrant. And so she was going on and on about how terrible immigrants are at lunch one day. And I looked at her, and I was like, “You know I’m an immigrant, right? You’re totally sitting here dissing me.” And it was the 90s, so we said dissing me.

And she looked at me, and I’ll never forget this. She looked at me and she said, “Not your kind of immigrant. You’re fine. It’s like, you know, the other immigrants.” And I just say there like, stunned. Like I remember – that was dorsal vagal shutdown. That was immobilization and freeze. I just felt like my blood was like ice.

Now, that’s where I’m not good at American. I don’t know if that translates well. It was like, hielo la venas. Like ice in my veins. And I just was like, que? What? And even telling that story makes me want to barf. I mean, it was so ridiculous and she went on and on and on and then dug herself in deeper about how there’s those kind of immigrants, those kind of Hispanics, but then there was me.

And it was this racist, xenophobic like, yuck. And yes, it hurt. Again, because my thought landscape includes the thought, don’t be a jerk. Don’t be racist, don’t be xenophobic. These are my beliefs. And to be those things is so F-ed up, so mean and wrong and bad for so many reasons on every possible level.

And when we’re talking about thought work, thought work as a practice, as a thought exercise comes with a choice. You can change your thoughts if you want to, but when it comes to this kind of discrimination, these are not thoughts that I’m interested in changing because I don’t ever think they’re okay on any grounds and I’m going to hold onto that T, those thoughts.

And so what I suggest here is that we can hold onto our beliefs and thoughts and do the work of finding closure for ourselves. So I can say this woman, this girl was out of line. This was so problematic. And I can find closure for myself around it, even though she’s probably never going to apologize because she was raised to believe those things.

And I mean, who knows? It’s been 25 years or whatever since high school. Maybe she would apologize now. But the point is rather than sitting in the hurt that the comment initially caused, I can feel where the hurt is in my body and I can examine the thoughts and beliefs that the comment crashed into to see why I felt hurt.

And I get to decide whether or not to revisit the comment with the person who said it and let her know how it made me feel. I get to decide in general if and how I want to interact with this person going forward. And in this case, I chose to say something, to call her on how problematic that comment was and to not sit with her in the cafeteria anymore because high school.

And sure, I can sit around being pissed until she apologizes, I can not friend her on Face-whatever. I can do those things and I can avoid her at reunions or gossip about her behind her back. But I have a lot of other things to do as I work to investigate my hurt and to decide what to do with it.

And in the aftermath of any hurt, you get to choose. You get to give yourself the closure you want and need with your own thoughts, especially when it’s evident that the other person doesn’t realize they did harm or you tell them, but they’re just not seeing it or getting it, which is what happened in this situation.

She was like, whatever. So when the other person isn’t available for a loving, real conversation about their responsibility to act in respectful ways, you get to recognize, while it would be nice if the other person apologized, the work that needs to be done for your own sake is on your end.

And that’s what I’m getting to here. You get to choose to speak up, to say that you’re upset or hurt in moments particularly of prejudice or discrimination, especially as a white or white-passing person, I do believe you have a responsibility to speak up and you get to do so, knowing that an apology, especially not a loving six-part one like we discussed and practiced here together may not be forthcoming.

You don’t have to agree with or condone or approve of what someone, anyone did or said to accept that that’s what they do and say. And to give yourself the gift of closure again for you, not for them. Whether they apologize or not, your thoughts, your closure has nothing to do with them and you don’t even have to tell them. It’s yours. For you. For your mind, body, heart, and spirit. Not about them in the least.

Because they’re often in their own world, and you live in yours, where you get to hold onto hurts and yes, I am talking about the big hurts as well as the little. Or you get to give yourself the closure. They did a thing, it’s about them, not about me. I can forgive or not. I can trust them again or not, but I don’t have to hold onto this hurt in my tender heart where it multiplies.

And my sweet love, I’ve had so many hurts in this life that I know the other person won’t ever apologize for. And I know that holding onto wanting that before I can move on and live my own life to the fullest gets me nowhere. Like when that person I was dating in Boston in the early 2000s cheated on me. That person is unlikely to ever apologize.

And I get to move on, to not hold onto it. And I get to choose not to globalize it and to decide that I’m not going to trust anyone ever. Another example is that a family member I love dearly told me three days before my partner and I had our love celebration, which is what we called our party we had celebrating our love instead of a wedding.

And they told me three days before that they weren’t coming because they “don’t approve of our lifestyle.” Okay, so oh my god, ouch. That really hurt. There was so much crying. I cried so much. It hurt in so many deep places, in so many ways.

And I know that human. I know them very, very well. And I know that it is wildly unlikely, and I’m saying unlikely because people surprise you and change, but it is unlikely that they will ever acknowledge or apologize for the harm they did.

So I wrote them a letter telling them how I felt, explaining how I was hurt, and what they had done to our relationship, and I left it at that. And then on the day of our party, I got all dolled up and enjoyed the F-ing F out of our amazing party, celebrated that love is love is love, and that we are so lucky to have so much of it in our lives. Both together and with our incredible friends who are our family.

These years later, I’m not sitting around waiting for that person to come to me with an apology because I’m not putting my own life on pause and I’m not carrying around a resentment. Because remember, like we talked on and on about, in episode 64 about resentment, resentment is drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.

So I decline to do it, thank you very much. And yes, my beauty, it would be optimal if all the people, everyone, whoever hurt any other human or animal or the earth were to apologize and take ownership, but we can’t rest our happiness and our sense of self on someone else. We don’t have to forgive them. That’s not what I’m talking about.

Instead, we can make choices for ourselves with full recognition of the reality of what we experienced, how painful it was, how F-ed up, how wrong. And we can learn the lesson about how that person shows up and we can show ourselves how we will show up to take care of us.

We learn from it, we grow from it, we establish new boundaries, we develop new relationships, we realize how we want to be treated in the future, what’s acceptable in our lives. But we don’t have to hold onto the story that anyone else saying I apologize is something we need because that’s just keeping you hurting, my tender kitten.

And to be clear, I’m always out here for your autonomy. You don’t ever have to choose to give yourself closure and move on. And I say this with full sincerity and total loving energy. You can choose to stay angry forever. And I really do mean it. It’s totally yours to choose.

Choosing to shift the story needs to come from that empowerment place, that place of really feeling like I am choosing my own adventure in this life and no one gets to choose it for me.

Alright my beauty, I want to send you and the parts of you that are hurting, your sweet tender little parts so much love. And I want to say it right to your little inner children that as children, it may have served you so well to attempt to prove your own rightness to yourself because you may be hurt all the time that you were wrong.

And I get that. Baby, I feel that and my inner children are nodding along like, yup, we got to prove or worth and value here, we can’t be wrong. So she’s wrong, he’s wrong, they’re wrong, they’re so bad and we are worthy of love.

But that’s a false equation. No one has to be wrong for you to be worthy of love and care. And you get to listen into your body, your spirit, to do your thought work and to remind yourself that you are so perfect and amazing, that you’re growing and learning. Whatever apology is asked of you, whatever someone else does from their own wounding or their own thinking that you don’t agree with, you are perfect and amazing.

Alright, thanks for listening my love. It’s been so – I know I said this at the top of the show, but it bears saying. It’s been so amazing to hear from you in my DMs and over email, to podcast@victoriaalbina.com that you’ve been enjoying this show.

Listener, let’s call her Rosario in Puerto Rico writes, “Estoy escuchando la serie sobre apologizing con mis hijos de 10 y 12 y now está cambianda la vida en esta casa – gracias mil!” In English, “We’ve been listening to the apologizing series with my 10 and 12-year-old children and it has changed our home life. Thank you.” And to that I say, Rosario, thank you. Thank you so much for sharing these resources with your kiddos, for really diving in to do this work. Thank you. And I am always grateful for the kind words and to hear that the show is supportive for you and yours, and thank you for sharing it with all the people in your world.

My love, if you’re ready to dive into doing this work in your own life with a dedicated, experienced, loving coach by your side, that’s me, it’s time to check out my six-month high-touch small group life coaching program, The Feminist Wellness Guide to Overcoming Codependency.

We start up at the end of September and the class is already filling up from the waitlist. So if you are a 10 out of 10 super-duper ready to change your life, I’m here for you, my beauty. Head on over to victoriaalbina.com/masterclass and you can get all the information you need there, and there’s a quick little application. Fill it out, give me as much detail as you’re willing to, and my staff will be in touch, we’ll get you on my schedule to talk about whether the program’s a good fit for you.

I’m so excited. I love this course. It’s just such a joy. It’s such a joy for me. I could really talk on and on about how much I love this work but I shan’t bore you. Alright my loves, let’s take a nice deep breath in and out. And remember, you are safe, you are held, you are loved. And when one of us heals, we help heal the world. Be well, my beauty and I will talk to you soon. 

Thank you for listening to this week’s episode of Feminist Wellness. If you like what you’ve heard, head to VictoriaAlbina.com to learn more.

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VictoriaAlbina

Victoria Albina

Victoria Albina, NP, MPH is a licensed and board certified Family Nurse Practitioner, herbalist and life coach, with 20 years experience in health and wellness. She trained at the University of California, San Francisco, and holds a Masters in Public Health from Boston University and a bachelors from Oberlin College. She comes to this work having been a patient herself, and having healed from a lifetime of IBS, GERD, SIBO, fatigue, depression and anxiety.

She is passionate about her work, and loves supporting patients in a truly holistic way - body, mind, heart and spirit. A native of Mar del Plata, Argentina, she grew up in the great state of Rhode Island, and lives in NYC with her partner. A brown dog named Frankie Bacon has her heart, and she lives for steak and a good dark chocolate.

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